Future Ratboy and the Attack of the Killer Robot Grannies. Jim Smith

on the side of her head.

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      The bubblegum blob she’d been chewing on started to balloon out of her mouth, blowing up to the size of a baby elephant. She crunched her lips shut and the balloon floated into the air, bouncing on the pavement towards my shiny full-stop nose.

      ‘I am NOT a ratboy, my name is Colin Lamppost!’ I shouted, as the balloon tried to swallow me whole.

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      ‘RATBOY! RATBOY! RATBOY!’ squawked Not Bird, and I tucked him under my arm, twizzled round and forward- rolled into the bin, which immediately started to roll away, thank coolness.

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      ‘Operation Don’t Get Swallowed Whole By A Bubblegum Balloon!’ I cried, zooming down the High Street inside my wheelie bin. I leaned left and we skidded down an alleyway, crashing into a wall.

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      The bubblegum balloon floated past the end of the alleyway, followed by MAVIS 3000 and DOREEN XL97-220, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

      ‘It’s just like ATTACK OF THE KILLER ROBOT GRANNIES!’ I said,crawling out of the wheelie bin and giving Not Bird athumbs up.

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      ‘NOT!’ squawked Not Bird, giving me a thumbs down with the thumb bit of his wing.

      I looked up and peered ata man with thirteen eyes.

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       ‘No need to be scared, little ratboy!’ smiled the man with thirteen eyes. Not that he was a man exactly, he was more of a man-sized fly.

       His arms and legs had hairy spikes sticking out all over them, and on his back, neatly folded up like a see-through tablecloth, hung a giant pair of wings. Next to him was a woman-sized fly and two kid-sized ones.

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      ‘My name isn’t Ratboy, it’s Colin Lamppost!’ I said, and the man-sized fly chuckled.

      ‘Very nice to meet you, Colin! My name is Dindle Frogshnoff, and I think I might be able to help you,’ he buzzed, shooting his hairy hand out to shake.

      So I shook it.

      Even though it was pretty scary looking.

      But not as scary looking

      as a robot granny claw.

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      ‘. . . and that’s how I ended up standing here talking to you!’ I said three hours later, once I’d told the Frogshnoff family my whole story.

      ‘Fascinating,’ yawned Dindle. ‘Now, as I said three hours ago, I think I might be able to help you - I was an orphan once too, you see . . .’ he buzzed, and my plug-tail twitched.

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      ‘Hang on a millisecond, I’m not an orphan!’ I said, smoothing my nose-whiskers down with my tongue. ‘We’re just stuck here for a bit until we work out how to get home, isn’t that right, Not Bird?’

      ‘NOT!’ screeched Not Bird.

      Mrs Frogshnoff patted me on my aerials and grabbed Not Bird, giving him a little cuddle. ‘NOT!’ he screeched again, wriggling out of the cuddle and lowering himself down on my head like a wig.

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      ‘I understand, Colin,’ buzzed Dindle. ‘But until you DO get home, you’ll need a place to rest your head,’ he smiled, looking at Not Bird, who’d dozed off and was snoring NOTs.

      He pointed up the street to a tall brown building with a shop at the bottom of it called ‘Bunny Deli’. On its roof sat a gigantic plastic cheeseburger and chips. Next to them stood an enormous blue cup with a stripy red-and-white straw sticking out of it.

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      The cheeseburger looked like it’d been designed on a computer. Its bun was all jaggedy like the pixels on a screen, and the chips were zigzaggedy instead of straight like I was used to.

      My TV belly rumbled, and I patted it, realising I hadn’t had anything to eat in millions of years.

      ‘Lets go see if there’s any room at my old orphanage!’ grinned Dindle, flapping his wings and buzzing off towards the giant cheeseburger.

      I shouted, running after him.

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      I followed the Frogshnoff family up the street, wheeling my bin behind me. ‘Don’t worry Not Bird, I’ll find a way to get us home!’ I said to Not Bird, who’d woken up from his nap and was fluttering next to me.

      ‘NOT!’ he squawked, dodging a lamppost, which is my second name, in case you’d forgotten.

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      ‘Dindle!’ smiled a fat lady standing outside the tall brown building. She was quite a bit older than my mum, and had ten arms. Her hair looked like it was made out of an enormous smelly green mop, and her nose was all pointy like a beak.

      Apart from that, she seemed quite nice.

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      ‘Bunny!’ buzzed Dindle, and I guessed her name must be Bunny.

      ‘Ooh, it’s good to see you, Dindle!’ grinned Bunny, hugging Dindle with her ten arms, and his thirteen eyes bulged out of their hairy sockets.

      ‘And who do we have here?’ she said, peering down at me.

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      Dindle explained how I’d been zapped into the future and turned into a half rat, half boy, half TV.

      ‘My name’s Colin Lamppost,’ I said. ‘And this is my sidekick, Not Bird.’

      ‘RATBOY! RATBOY!’ squawked Not Bird, pointing his beak at me, and I nudged him away while staring through the window of Bunny Deli. Inside were three weird-looking kids, sitting at a table, chatting and laughing.

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      One of them was a boy with two faces. He was wearing a shiny red suit with two little wings sticking out of the hood. Covering the top half of his two faces were two masks, one for each set of eyes.

      Next to him sat an alien with a big bald blue head. His eyeballs were black, and he had pointy, dinosaurish teeth.

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      The third kid was a girl with round glasses and five arms - two on each side and one in the middle. She was wearing one of those long white coats scientists wear, except with five arm-sleeves instead of the usual two.

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