making me nervous with all these weird stories from your past.
J x
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Um . . . I’m sorry . . . what?
It was two years ago. But only a little pee. It wasn’t like I wet myself. She just came out of nowhere and it gave me a fright.
Dancing with a balloon is a reasonable and funny thing to do. It’s what Oscar Wilde would have done. It’s a scathing comment on our society of dependent and irrational figures who consider themselves incomplete without a significant other.
Love, me xxx
From: [email protected]
Subject: It is confirmed, you actually are insane
Maybe don’t ever tell anyone else about that pee story.
Ditto the balloon one.
J x
From: [email protected]
Subject: Quick question
Do you still want to be friends with me now that I’ve set Josie Graham’s hair on fire? I completely understand if you don’t.
Same for Danny. If I were you guys I wouldn’t want to be friends with me.
Love, me xxx
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Quick question
Are you kidding? If we didn’t have you as a friend, who would we laugh at?
We need you, if only for entertainment value.
J x
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Quick question
Who did you laugh at before I came into your lives?
Love, me xxx
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Quick question
The weirdo who used to live next door to Danny and sang songs from musicals while wearing a chicken suit.
I think the chicken suit was something to do with his job. Can’t be sure.
Anyway, when he moved house last summer, Danny and I were gutted. But then you totally filled that gap when you arrived in September.
J x
From: [email protected]
Subject: Now I’m really depressed
Wait. I replaced a guy in a chicken suit who sang songs from the West End?
THAT’S WHO I REPLACED IN YOUR LIFE?
I should have set myself on fire today.
Love, me xxx
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Now I’m really depressed
You know, if you really wanted to fill the gap left by the chicken-suit man, you could sing songs from musicals in lunch breaks.
My personal favourite is Fame because I’m fun and amazing. Danny’s is My Fair Lady because he’s basically an old man and apparently it’s based on some play that no one cares about.
Just a tip if you really want to win us over.
J x
From: [email protected]
Subject: HA
My stage career started and ended when I was forced to be a shepherd in a nativity play. I walked on to the stage, saw everyone staring, burst into tears and ran straight back off. Into a tree.
Why, I have to ask, was there even a tree involved in the production? Last time I checked, there were no trees in stables at Bethlehem. Our drama teacher was clearly an idiot.
Also I can’t sing. Not one note. Sorry to be a disappointment in comparison to chicken-suit man. So as much as I want to stay your friend for the rest of time, I can guarantee you - never going to happen.
I am, however, naturally gifted at setting people on fire.
Maybe my career lies in some kind of flame-inspired capacity. Ooo! Maybe I’ll be really good at welding metal with blowtorches or something! THEN I COULD MAKE A SUIT JUST LIKE IRON MAN!
That would be so cool. I need to speak to our DT department. I’m guessing they’ll have access to blowtorches? They need to take advantage of my skill set now while I’m young and malleable.
Love, me xxx
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: HA
What’s Iron Man? Is it one of those Marvin comic book characters that you’re obsessed with? Like that stretchy person?
J x
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: HA
OK, firstly it’s Marvel, not Marvin.
Secondly, please do not refer to Mr Fantastic as ‘that stretchy person’.
And lastly, yes, Iron Man is a comic book character. Tony Stark develops an iron suit with repulsor beams and flight ability so he can take on bad guys.
Everyone would want to be my friend if I had one of those!
Love, me xxx
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: HA
Now, you see, it’s times like this when I genuinely worry that you’re being serious.
J x
From: [email protected]
Subject: Trust me
I am being serious.
I’ve just sent Dog on a mission to find Dad’s tool kit. He might have something in there I can experiment with.
Love, me xxx