name, she gave me this lopsided smile, said it was Jude, and asked me mine. I teased her, told her she was proper handy with an axe for a girl. She teased me right back, said I’d fix her dad’s thresher a lot quicker if I quit staring.
We’ve been together ever since.
I don’t know if I love Jude or if she loves me. All I know is, Jude’s the only person, other than Rona, who smiles when she sees me. And I need to hold her one last time.
As I creep into the farmstead, their dog Bram woofs off a few half-hearted barks and rattles his chain, but he knows my Kyle stink and soon shuts up. Across the yard, the loaf-like outline of the thatched house appears out of the darkness. No lights are on. They’re all in bed already. As the only daughter, Jude has a sleeping place to herself in the lean-to at the far end. I tiptoe round there and do the soft tap-tappety-tap-tap at her window that tells her it’s me. Soon as I hear the telltale creak of her floorboards, I scuttle off to wait in the hay barn.
Jude takes her time.
Long enough for me to worry she’s not coming. Or telling her father.
Finally, she slips inside the barn to join me. I flick on the solitary glowtube and see she’s alone, a threadbare work jacket thrown on over her night stuff.
She scrunches her face up against the light.
‘Is that really you, Kyle?’
‘In the flesh, or what’s left of it.’
I open my arms out to her and hold my breath.
‘It is you!’ she says. She comes running, throws her arms round me and buries her face into my bandaged neck. I’m so relieved, I hoist her up off her feet and spin her around. When I put her down again, she smiles up at me.
But as I go to kiss her, she pulls away.
‘I don’t get it,’ she says, looking confused. Her chin wobbles. ‘The last thing Rona told us was that you were close to –’
‘I’m tougher than I look.’
Jude gives me her slow-nod sceptical look. ‘What’s going on?’
‘I’ll tell you later, but first things first.’ I pull her closer, slip my hands under her jacket and feel how she’s still lovely and warm from her bed.
‘Ew! You’re all cold and wet,’ she laughs.
I kiss her and she kisses me back, pressing herself against me. Her hands are at the back of my neck now, pulling my head down so she can reach me. How it happens I’ll never know, but she knocks one dressing off. It’s only loosely taped on, more for show than anything, and comes away with a slight sucking sound.
‘Oh my Saviour, I’m sorry.’ Jude pulls back, her eyes big with concern. We both glance down at the bandage lying in the straw. ‘Did I hurt you?’
‘No, I’m fine.’ I try to turn away, to stop her seeing, but I’m too slow.
I feel her go rigid. ‘Kyle!’
With the toe of my boot, I scuff uncertainly at the straw. When I look up, I’ve made up my mind. I can’t just say goodbye. It’s mad, but all the horror, the fear and loneliness, I can’t keep it inside – I need to tell her. Maybe if I can make Jude understand that I’m still me, everything will be all right again.
I sit her down on a hay bale. ‘I can trust you, can’t I?’
She nods stiffly, but I see her wondering.
‘Don’t be scared,’ I say.
I unbutton my shirt. One by one, I peel off the rest of Rona’s dressings and show Jude how my wounds have almost completely healed. I hold her tight when her eyes flood with panic. I shush her and stroke her curly hair.
She’s petrified, trembling like a newborn lamb.
‘It’s not what you think,’ I say.
Thank the Saviour she doesn’t scream, but when I relax my grip, anxious not to hurt her, she makes a break for it and I have to grab her again.
‘Jude, stop. I’m not going to hurt you.’
A long time goes by like this. I do everything I can to calm her. I whisper she has no reason to fear me. Her mouth opens and closes, but no words come out, only a low moan. It’s an ugly feeling, me making her skin crawl. Not that I can blame her. She sees my unnatural healing and that means only one thing – human on the outside, inside a monster. No wonder she’s terrified.
‘Let – go – of – me,’ she says.
This time when I release her she cringes, but doesn’t run. She won’t let me touch her again, but she looks able to listen. Quickly, I make up some crap about Rona finding an ancient wonder drug in her medchest.
Jude stares as I babble on, her chest heaving, until I run out of words. She knows I’m lying, I can tell.
‘If anybody sees you like this,’ she says shakily, ‘you are dead. They won’t listen; they’ll kill you. And Rona too. You know that, don’t you?’
‘Uh-huh,’ I say. What else is there to say?
We sit there, in the circle of light, the darkness crushing in on us. I try to read her face, but there are too many shadows. On the way here, I had so much I wanted to say to her. Now, it all seems so pointless. My impossible healing shouts more loudly than any words can.
‘What will you do?’ she says.
I hesitate, wondering what I should tell her.
‘We’re going away, to someplace nobody knows us. We’ll be okay.’
‘Going away? Where?’
‘I don’t know. But that’s why I came, to say goodbye.’
Tears shine in Jude’s eyes now.
‘It’s too late for that,’ she says, very quietly.
‘What’s that mean?’ I say.
But she won’t look at me and I get it now – she thinks I’m gone already.
‘You’re wrong,’ I say. ‘I know what it looks like, but I don’t feel any different inside. I’m the same as ever, I just heal faster. I’m not evil, Jude, not even bad!’
I try to smile and reach for her hand, but she snatches it away.
‘Don’t touch me!’
I curse and she flinches, like she thinks I’m going to rip her head off or something. Next thing, she’s on her feet and backing away. I scramble after her, sensing she’s about to run. And I can’t help it, I’m angry now.
‘Look, this isn’t my fault!’
She trips over something in the muck and straw.
I swear I only grab her so she doesn’t fall backwards, but she gasps loudly and I’m sure she’ll scream. Without thinking, I clamp my hand over her mouth. She flails against me, tries to push me away, but I’m too strong. Her eyes bulge.
I pull my hand away, brace myself.
‘You said you wouldn’t hurt me,’ she sobs.
I shake my head and try to get a grip on my temper. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. But you mustn’t scream. If your father finds us here, sees me like this, then it’s like you said – I’m dead. And so is Rona. You don’t want that, do you?’
She stares at me, but says nothing. Which says it all.
‘You won’t tell, will you?’
Jude shakes her head, but I see her little finger trace the Sign of One. I’m so stunned, I let go of her. She gives this huge gulp and darts to the side door. Beyond the spill of light, I hear her fumbling at the latch and her ragged breathing.