passion for her. His arms cradled her, but his lips devoured her. Their teeth clashed as his tongue slid into her mouth. There was no mistaking how he felt about her.
And there was no mistaking how she felt about him.
He pulled back, breathless, his arms gently releasing their grip on her waist. In this dim light his dark chocolate eyes looked almost black. Darker than the bottom of his soul.
He’d blindsided her with that kiss. For a second all her rational thoughts had vanished, as had the sinking feeling in her heart.
They stood together next to the Thames, their warm breath visible in the cold air as her rapid heartbeat quietened to a mild canter.
She had to stay focused.
She had to think of the future.
Hers. And Iain’s. She needed more than his passion. She needed more than his protectiveness.
She needed his heart and his soul.
His hands rested on her hips. ‘Lexi, I’m sorry about my behaviour. When I saw him touching you like that—assaulting you—I saw red. It just descended all around me. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on him. I couldn’t wait to get him away from you. I didn’t want him near you.’
There was tension in his words—as if he’d just taken himself back to the moment again. He thought she was angry. He thought she wanted to talk to him about the incident with Jack.
‘I was filled with rage. I wanted to punch him senseless.’
She lifted her hand and put it on his chest. ‘And I might have let you.’
He shook his head. ‘But I never behave like that.’ He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment then gave her a sorry smile. ‘But, with hindsight, you seemed to have got the better of him yourself.’
She nodded. ‘But that doesn’t mean I didn’t appreciate the help.’ This wasn’t the conversation she wanted to have. She didn’t want to waste a second of her life talking about Jack Parker.
She could tell Iain was nervous. Maybe he was worried about how he’d manhandled Jack in front of her. But Jack Parker and his welfare was the last thing on her mind right now.
He knew something was wrong. Even though his hands were on her hips, he couldn’t look her in the eye. They were fixed over her shoulder on Tower Bridge.
‘I need to ask you something, Iain.’
‘What is it?’ His eyes had met hers now. He looked worried. For the first time since she’d known him he looked afraid. What did Iain have to be scared of?
Maybe she should start slowly.
‘I need to ask you why. Why do you think you felt like that?’
Confusion swept his face. ‘Why do you think? Because he touched you, because he assaulted you. He should never have laid a hand on you.’
She breathed in slowly through her nose. ‘And you didn’t like that?’ She was trying to be controlled. She was trying to be measured. Iain meant the world to her and she was going to have to be strong to do this.
‘What about us?’
He stiffened, his shoulders pushing back and down, his body arching away from her. ‘What do you mean, “What about us?”’
She ran her tongue along her lips. All of a sudden her mouth was instantly dry. She could do with some of the wine she’d refused at the award ceremony. She knew exactly what she was doing. Even if Iain didn’t.
‘Where do you think we are going, Iain?’
He shook his head. ‘I don’t understand. Where did this come from?’ He reached up and touched her cheek. ‘You know how I feel about you.’
She held her breath, trying not to turn her head towards his cheek. She had to stay strong.
‘I care about you, Lexi. You know I do.’
Care.
A gentle word. A quiet word. A word without passion and without soul. Nothing like the passion he’d just shown her. Her heart could break in two right now.
Her gaze swept down to the wet street. Black, totally black. Just like the sensations that were coursing through her body.
‘Care. It’s an interesting choice of word.’ Even she could hear how detached her voice sounded. How disappointed.
He wasn’t looking at her again. She understood. He couldn’t look at her. He couldn’t give her any more. Put him on the spot and he just shut down.
This was pointless. She wanted more than Iain could ever offer her. It was time to walk away.
This was a disaster. This whole night had been a disaster and it was nothing to do with Lexi not winning the award.
She deserved better than him. He should have watched her more closely—kept an eye on her. Jack Parker would never have got his hands on her then. He shuddered to think what could have happened in there.
He hadn’t been able to protect her. Just like he hadn’t been able to protect his wife.
But now Lexi was asking him difficult questions. It would be so much easier to shrug them off and just continue as before. Their relationship was developing slowly. But he still couldn’t be honest with her. He wasn’t ready.
But her trembling lips were breaking his resolve—no matter how hard she was trying to hide them.
‘I don’t care about you, Iain.’
His head shot around to face her. ‘What?’
She shook her head firmly as a single tear trailed down her cheek. She lifted her hand and pressed it against her chestbone. ‘I love you. I didn’t want to. I don’t want to. But I can’t help how I feel.’ She looked at him with her big blue eyes. ‘But I know you don’t feel the same, Iain. I can tell. I can feel it.’
He opened his mouth to speak but she lifted her hand to stop him.
‘Don’t. Don’t make this any harder than it already is. You can’t share with me—not really. There are permanent shadows around your eyes. The only time they vanish is when we make love. And it’s not enough, Iain. It’s not enough for me. I can’t compete with a ghost.’
‘What?’ Her words resounded around his head. ‘You think you’re competing with Bonnie? Why on earth would you think that?’
‘Because you won’t let me in.’ Her answer came back straight away. ‘I need more. I want more. I want you to love me like I love you. We all have secrets, Iain. Things that we don’t share with anyone but the people we love.’
His eyes fixed on the black flowing water, rushing and tumbling past them. This was it. It was time to tell Lexi the truth. They had no future together. But she had to know it was because of him—not because of her. And not because of a ghost.
‘I don’t deserve you, Lexi. I don’t deserve anyone. All I do is hurt the people I love.’
Her brow wrinkled. ‘This is about Bonnie, isn’t it? Why on earth would you say that? You’ve told me about Bonnie, and about your children. That was a tragedy. A horrible thing to happen to anyone. But it was bad luck. Horrible, horrible bad luck. But why does that mean we can’t have a chance?’
Her words were swimming through his head. Juggling back and forth with the blackness and feelings of guilt. The horrible weight of responsibility.
It was almost as if someone had pushed a little button, flicked a switch somewhere inside him. He couldn’t think about the ‘right’ words to say.
He couldn’t think at all. He had to get this over with. Once Lexi knew the truth she would happily walk away.
‘Because it was my fault!’ he yelled.