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IN LOVING MEMORY OF DEWAYNE HAL STRATTON
Dedications…
Jennifer Williams for being a brilliant muse; for having lived this life alongside me, and for having relived it all over again each time I finished a poem and Facetimed her to read it aloud. You are my best friend and always will be. Your unwavering support is unparalleled. I love you to the moon and back, my sunshine girl. You are my favorite person.
Daniel Jones for allowing me to stay in his home for the summer in order to clear my mind and write this. You are my oldest friend and have never let me down. Whether we were six and playing on the playground at Hodson Elementary School, thirteen and hiding in sewers, or twenty-one and meeting up in New York City, you have always remained a true homie. I love you and am eternally grateful for you. You can call me anytime, anywhere, and I will answer.
Soph Brown for being one of my first friends in Arkansas. You truly helped build the foundation for the life I would ultimately believe in and live. You taught me how to have friends again. Your constant reassurance and love has been one of the most spectacular and important things to happen in my life. You have never once made me feel crazy, irrational, or unlovable: there are not enough words in this world to thank you for that. You are my rock.
My family for being the ones to nurture me and love me as I move through the strange beauty that is my life. My mother for teaching me the power of unconditional love. My siblings for teaching me what strength looks like. My nieces and nephew for being my greatest inspirations.
Foreword
This book is dedicated to all of the drug addicts in the world. Whether you are actively using, are in early recovering, have been sober for 15+ years, this is for you. Our collective struggle is one that I will never be able to ignore. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through. It takes true strength, courage, and spirit to move on from the world of drugs/dealing. Wherever you are at now, know that coming back to the light of reality is possible. You have it in you. You are so unbelievably worthy of love, even in the moments you may not believe it.
This collection may be incredibly triggering, I am warning you now, but I hope by the end of it you find a bit of peace. At the very least, I hope you know that you are seen and heard: that your story matters. Your life is worth living, I wish you the best on your journey of rediscovering that. Please, find your light, find what makes you feel alive, and then fight for it every single day. It will be worthwhile, I know that to be true.
The Basics
[10 years old]
I met my best friend when we were 10 years old
She lived down the street, we practically shared a home
Her mom is mine, and mine is hers, too
Even way back then we were a dangerous two.
Going to school hungover in fifth grade
Pitied and hated by Mrs. Langlinais
Sleeping on the couch in the corner
Not sure if we were early risers or out of order
Started smoking and drinking too early,
Jumped into adulthood in a hurry:
By thirteen my girl had a job and I had an addiction
And we were always ditching school to get high and make pancakes in her kitchen;
That’s one of those things that will never change
My best friend will make me breakfast, whether we’re in Oklahoma or LA.
What I’m really trying to say, what I want you to understand
Is that we weren’t bad kids, but we lived on another planet.
I think we were born a little too wild
And we needed so much freedom, even as a child.
We had to run free, do what we want, say how we feel
Chase after anything that made us feel real.
Road trips and bong rips,
Overdosing and IV drips.
We have seen it all, too many things
Got real acquainted with how desperate life can be
Drugs can do some real funny things
Can show you everything you could be
Then take it right back just like that
And spit in your face and call you a jackass.
But damn, if it wasn’t a thrilling ride
I wouldn’t trade a second of my life
We might have been little kids getting high
But we turned it into an appreciation for our lives
In high school I looked like a crackhead, on the low,
But there has only been one time that I’ve actually done blow
So small and so young,
A crazy life story so intricately woven
Only a select few are strong enough to be chosen
To have the ability to withstand it all,
To be hit by the force of the entire ocean and still stand tall;
To shine so bright that even under the Oklahoma skies we don’t feel small.
Bushes to Trees
[11 years old]
My best friend lived down the street from me
“Meet me on the middle over here”
Her side was the park, our favorite hideaway, an oasis
Mine was the house with the bushes, where we had all of our races
Every time we passed that house we jumped the bushes like they were hurdles or like they were nothing
Looking at the size of them now, getting over it would really be something
That’s where our friendship started: jumping green
And when it turned into something different, we were still on the same team
Cause those bushes turned to trees
And the game turned into selling weed
And doing ecstasy
And too many triple c's
A little crackhead and a little junkie
My girl has always been the one by my side to prove how much she loves me.
The people you grow up with are the ones you never forget
And when they’re the same people you do drugs with, they will always know you the best
Better than you expect
More intimately than the rest.
My girl’s face stays the same no matter what kind of drug
And I always come back to Earth when I’m fucked up as soon as she gives me a hug.
Perhaps it’s not right that we know we’ll always have each other and we’ll always have someone’s bathroom floor
But we have it and I couldn’t ask for more.
The bushes aren’t the only ones that have grown fuller and brighter
My life has been clicking together, like the sound of a lighter
Because bushes turn to trees
And I turned into me.
A