he sees no more through Bony!…why, I put him up to more in three minutes than he gets from’s paper all the year round. Says I, ‘Am I a gardener as knows his business, or arn’t I, Mills? Answer me that.’ ‘To be sure y’ are, Craig,’ says he—he’s not a bad fellow, Mills isn’t, for a butler, but weak i’ the head. ‘Well,’ says I, ‘you talk o’ Bony’s cliverness; would it be any use my being a first-rate gardener if I’d got nought but a quagmire to work on?’ ‘No,’ says he. ‘Well,’ I says, ‘that’s just what it is wi’ Bony. I’ll not deny but he may be a bit cliver—he’s no Frenchman born, as I understand—but what’s he got at’s back but mounseers?’”
Mr. Craig paused a moment with an emphatic stare after this triumphant specimen of Socratic argument, and then added, thumping the table rather fiercely, “Why, it’s a sure thing—and there’s them ’ull bear witness to’t—as i’ one regiment where there was one man a-missing, they put the regimentals on a big monkey, and they fit him as the shell fits the walnut, and you couldn’t tell the monkey from the mounseers!”
“Ah! Think o’ that, now!” said Mr. Poyser, impressed at once with the political bearings of the fact and with its striking interest as an anecdote in natural history.
“Come, Craig,” said Adam, “that’s a little too strong. You don’t believe that. It’s all nonsense about the French being such poor sticks. Mr. Irwine’s seen ’em in their own country, and he says they’ve plenty o’ fine fellows among ’em. And as for knowledge, and contrivances, and manufactures, there’s a many things as we’re a fine sight behind ’em in. It’s poor foolishness to run down your enemies. Why, Nelson and the rest of ’em ’ud have no merit i’ beating ’em, if they were such offal as folks pretend.”
Mr. Poyser looked doubtfully at Mr. Craig, puzzled by this opposition of authorities. Mr. Irwine’s testimony was not to be disputed; but, on the other hand, Craig was a knowing fellow, and his view was less startling. Martin had never “heard tell” of the French being good for much. Mr. Craig had found no answer but such as was implied in taking a long draught of ale and then looking down fixedly at the proportions of his own leg, which he turned a little outward for that purpose, when Bartle Massey returned from the fireplace, where he had been smoking his first pipe in quiet, and broke the silence by saying, as he thrust his forefinger into the canister, “Why, Adam, how happened you not to be at church on Sunday? Answer me that, you rascal. The anthem went limping without you. Are you going to disgrace your schoolmaster in his old age?”
“No, Mr. Massey,” said Adam. “Mr. and Mrs. Poyser can tell you where I was. I was in no bad company.”
“She’s gone, Adam—gone to Snowfield,” said Mr. Poyser, reminded of Dinah for the first time this evening. “I thought you’d ha’ persuaded her better. Nought ’ud hold her, but she must go yesterday forenoon. The missis has hardly got over it. I thought she’d ha’ no sperrit for th’ harvest supper.”
Mrs. Poyser had thought of Dinah several times since Adam had come in, but she had had “no heart” to mention the bad news.
“What!” said Bartle, with an air of disgust. “Was there a woman concerned? Then I give you up, Adam.”
“But it’s a woman you’n spoke well on, Bartle,” said Mr. Poyser. “Come now, you canna draw back; you said once as women wouldna ha’ been a bad invention if they’d all been like Dinah.”
“I meant her voice, man—I meant her voice, that was all,” said Bartle. “I can bear to hear her speak without wanting to put wool in my ears. As for other things, I daresay she’s like the rest o’ the women—thinks two and two ’ll come to make five, if she cries and bothers enough about it.”
“Aye, aye!” said Mrs. Poyser; “one ’ud think, an’ hear some folks talk, as the men war ’cute enough to count the corns in a bag o’ wheat wi’ only smelling at it. They can see through a barn-door, they can. Perhaps that’s the reason they can see so little o’ this side on’t.”
Martin Poyser shook with delighted laughter and winked at Adam, as much as to say the schoolmaster was in for it now.
“Ah!” said Bartle sneeringly, “the women are quick enough—they’re quick enough. They know the rights of a story before they hear it, and can tell a man what his thoughts are before he knows ’em himself.”
“Like enough,” said Mrs. Poyser, “for the men are mostly so slow, their thoughts overrun ’em, an’ they can only catch ’em by the tail. I can count a stocking-top while a man’s getting’s tongue ready an’ when he outs wi’ his speech at last, there’s little broth to be made on’t. It’s your dead chicks take the longest hatchin’. Howiver, I’m not denyin’ the women are foolish: God Almighty made ’em to match the men.”
“Match!” said Bartle. “Aye, as vinegar matches one’s teeth. If a man says a word, his wife ’ll match it with a contradiction; if he’s a mind for hot meat, his wife ’ll match it with cold bacon; if he laughs, she’ll match him with whimpering. She’s such a match as the horse-fly is to th’ horse: she’s got the right venom to sting him with—the right venom to sting him with.”
“Yes,” said Mrs. Poyser, “I know what the men like—a poor soft, as ’ud simper at ’em like the picture o’ the sun, whether they did right or wrong, an’ say thank you for a kick, an’ pretend she didna know which end she stood uppermost, till her husband told her. That’s what a man wants in a wife, mostly; he wants to make sure o’ one fool as ’ull tell him he’s wise. But there’s some men can do wi’out that—they think so much o’ themselves a’ready. An’ that’s how it is there’s old bachelors.”
“Come, Craig,” said Mr. Poyser jocosely, “you mun get married pretty quick, else you’ll be set down for an old bachelor; an’ you see what the women ’ull think on you.”
“Well,” said Mr. Craig, willing to conciliate Mrs. Poyser and setting a high value on his own compliments, “I like a cleverish woman—a woman o’ sperrit—a managing woman.”
“You’re out there, Craig,” said Bartle, dryly; “you’re out there. You judge o’ your garden-stuff on a better plan than that. You pick the things for what they can excel in—for what they can excel in. You don’t value your peas for their roots, or your carrots for their flowers. Now, that’s the way you should choose women. Their cleverness ’ll never come to much—never come to much—but they make excellent simpletons, ripe and strong-flavoured.”
“What dost say to that?” said Mr. Poyser, throwing himself back and looking merrily at his wife.
“Say!” answered Mrs. Poyser, with dangerous fire kindling in her eye. “Why, I say as some folks’ tongues are like the clocks as run on strikin’, not to tell you the time o’ the day, but because there’s summat wrong i’ their own inside…”
Mrs. Poyser would probably have brought her rejoinder to a further climax, if every one’s attention had not at this moment been called to the other end of the table, where the lyricism, which had at first only manifested itself by David’s sotto voce performance of “My love’s a rose without a thorn,” had gradually assumed a rather deafening and complex character. Tim, thinking slightly of David’s vocalization, was impelled to supersede that feeble buzz by a spirited commencement of “Three Merry Mowers,” but David was not to be put down so easily, and showed himself capable of a copious crescendo, which was rendering it doubtful whether the rose would not predominate over the mowers, when old Kester, with an entirely unmoved and immovable aspect, suddenly set up a quavering treble—as if he had been an alarum, and the time was come for him to go off.
The company at Alick’s end of the table took this form of vocal entertainment very much as a matter of course, being free from musical prejudices; but Bartle Massey laid down his pipe and put his fingers in his ears; and Adam, who had been longing to go ever since he had heard Dinah was not in the house, rose and said he must bid good-night.
“I’ll