what, I should have told him everything at once. But he was silent. So keyed up that I heard a noise in my ears, I said without looking at him:
“I think I always hated her from the very beginning.... I struggled.... Or, no, no, don’t believe me; I could have but I did not want to save myself; I wanted to perish; this was dearer to me than anything else ... and even now, even this minute, when I know already everything.... Do you know that I was summoned to the Well-Doer?”
“Yes, I do.”
“But what he told me! Please realize that it was equivalent to ... it was as if some one should remove the floor from under you this minute, and you and all here on the desk, the papers, the ink ... the ink would splash out and cover everything with blots....”
“What else? What further? Hurry up, others are waiting!”
Then stumbling, muttering, I told him everything that is recorded in these pages.... About my real self, and about my hairy self, and about my hands ... yes ... exactly that was the beginning. And how I would not do my duty then, and how I lied to myself, and how she obtained false certificates for me, and how I grew worse and worse, every day, and about the long corridors underground, and there beyond the Wall....
All this I threw out in formless pieces and lumps. I would stutter and fail to find words. The lips double-curved in a smile would prompt me with the word I needed and I would nod gratefully: “Yes, yes!”.... Suddenly, what was it? He was talking for me and I only listened and nodded: “Yes, yes,” and then, “Yes, exactly so, ... yes, yes....”
I felt cold around my mouth as though it were wet with ether, and I asked with difficulty:
“But how is it.... You could not learn anywhere....”
He smiled a smile growing more and more curved; then:
“But I see that you do want to conceal from me something. For example, you enumerated everything you saw beyond the Wall but you failed to mention one thing. You deny it? But don’t you remember that once, just in passing, just for a second you saw me there? Yes, yes me!”
Silence.
Suddenly, like a flash of lightning, it became shamelessly clear to me: he—he too—. And all myself, my torment, all that I brought here, crushed by the burden, plucking up my last strength as if performing a great feat, all appeared to me only funny,—like the ancient anecdote about Abraham and Isaac; Abraham all in a cold sweat, with the knife already raised over his son, over himself—and suddenly a voice from above: “Never mind.... I was only joking.”
Without taking my eyes from the smile which grew more and more curved, I put my hands on the edge of the desk and slowly, very slowly pushed myself with my chair away from him. Then instantly gathering myself into my own hands, I dashed madly out, past loud voices, past steps and mouths....
I do not remember how I got into one of the public rest-rooms at a station of the Underground Railway. Above, everything was perishing; the greatest civilization, the most rational in human history was crumbling,—but here, by some irony everything remained as before, beautiful. The walls shone; water murmured cosily and like the water,—the unseen, transparent music.... Only think of it! All this is doomed; all this will be covered with grass, some day; only myths will remain....
I moaned aloud. At the same instant I felt someone gently patting my knee. It was from the left; it was my neighbor who occupied a seat on my left,—an enormous forehead, a bald parabola, yellow unintelligible lines of wrinkles on his forehead, those lines about me.
“I understand you. I understand completely,” he said. “Yet you must calm yourself. You must. It will return. It will inevitably return. It is only important that everybody should learn of my discovery. You are the first to whom I talk about it. I have calculated that there is no infinity! No!”
I looked at him wildly.
“Yes, yes, I tell you so. There is no infinity. If the universe is infinite, then the average density of matter must equal zero, but as it is not zero, we know, consequently the universe is finite; it is spherical in form and the square of its radius—R2—is equal to the average density multiplied by.... The only thing left is to calculate the numerical coefficient and then.... Do you realize what it means? It means that everything is final, everything is simple.... But you, my honored sir, you disturb me, you prevent my finishing my calculations by your yelling!”
I do not know which shattered me more, his discovery, or his positiveness at that apocalyptic hour. I only then noticed that he had a notebook in his hands and a logarithmic dial. I understood then that even if everything was perishing it was my duty (before you, my unknown and beloved) to leave these records in a finished form.
I asked him to give me some paper, and here in the rest-room to the accompaniment of the quiet music, transparent like water, I wrote down these last lines.
I was about to put down a period as the ancients would put a cross over the caves into which they used to throw their dead, when all of a sudden my pencil trembled and fell from between my fingers....
“Listen!” (I pulled my neighbor). “Yes, listen, I say. There where your finite universe ends, what is there? What?”
He had no time to answer. From above, down the steps, stamping....
Record Forty
Facts
The Bell
I Am Certain
Daylight. It is clear. The barometer—760 mm. It is possible that I, D-503, really wrote these—pages? Is it possible that I ever felt, or imagined I felt all this?
The handwriting is mine. And what follows is all in my handwriting. Fortunately only the handwriting. No more delirium, no absurd metaphors, no feelings,—only facts. For I am healthy, perfectly, absolutely healthy.... I am smiling; I cannot help smiling; a splinter has been taken out of my head and I feel so light, so empty! To be more exact, not empty, but there is nothing foreign, nothing that prevents me from smiling. (Smiling is the normal state for a normal human being).
The facts are as follows: That evening my neighbor who discovered the finiteness of the universe, and I, and all others who did not have a certificate showing that we had been operated on, all of us were taken to the nearest auditorium. (For some reason the number of the auditorium, 112, seemed familiar to me). There they tied us to the tables and performed the great operation. Next day, I, D-503, appeared before the Well-Doer and told him everything known to me about the enemies of happiness. Why before it seemed hard for me to go, I cannot understand. The only explanation seems to be my illness,—my soul.
The same evening, sitting at the same table with Him, with the Well-Doer, I saw for the first time in my life the famous Gas Chamber. They brought in that woman. She was to testify in my presence. That woman remained stubbornly silent and smiling. I noticed that she had sharp and very white teeth which were very pretty.
Then she was brought under the Bell. Her face became very white and as her eyes were large and dark,—all was very pretty. When they began pumping the air from under the Bell she threw her head back and half closed her eyes; her lips were pressed together. This reminded me of something. She looked at me, holding the arms of the chair firmly. She continued to look until her eyes closed. Then she was taken out and brought to by means of electrodes and again put under the Bell. The procedure was repeated three times, yet she did not utter a word.
The others who were brought in with that woman, proved to be more honest; many of them began to speak after the first trial. Tomorrow they will all ascend the steps to the Machine of the Well-Doer. No postponement is possible for there still is chaos, groaning, cadavers, beasts in the western section, and to our regret there are still quantities of Numbers who betrayed Reason.
But on the transverse avenue Forty, we succeeded in establishing a temporary Wall of high voltage waves. And I hope we win. More than that; I am certain we shall win. For Reason must win.