The Abandoned Farmers. Irvin S. Cobb

you'd better come in, sir,” he said humbly. It was evident my manner, which was, I may say, almost haughty, had impressed him deeply. “If you will wait, sir, I'll have the marster called, sir. He's not far away, sir.”

      “Very good,” I replied. “Do so!”

      He showed us into a large library and fussed about, offering drinks and cigars and what-not. Winsell seemed somewhat perturbed by these attentions, but I bade him remain perfectly calm and collected, adding that I would do all the talking.

      We took cigars—very good cigars they were. As they were not banded I assumed they were home grown. I had always heard that Connecticut tobacco was strong, but these specimens were very mild and pleasant. I had about decided I should put in tobacco for private consumption and grow my own cigars and cigarettes when the door opened, and a stout elderly man with side whiskers entered the room. He was in golfing costume and was breathing hard.

      “As soon as I got your message I hurried over as fast as I could,” he said.

      “You need not apologize,” I replied; “we have not been kept waiting very long.”

      “I presume you come in regard to the traction matter?” he ventured.

      “No,” I said, “not exactly. You own this place, I believe?”

      “I do,” he said, staring at me.

      “So far, so good,” I said. “Now, then, kindly tell me when you expect to abandon it.”

      He backed away from me a few feet, gaping. He opened his mouth and for a few moments absent-mindedly left it in that condition.

      “When do I expect to do what?” he inquired. “When,” I said, “do you expect to abandon it?” He shook his head as though he had some marbles inside of it and liked the rattling sound.

      “I don't understand yet,” he said, puzzled.

      “I will explain,” I said very patiently. “I wish to acquire by purchase or otherwise one of the abandoned farms of this state. Not having been able to find one that was already abandoned, though I believe them to be very numerous, I am looking for one that is about to be abandoned. I wish, you understand, to have the first call on it. Winsell”—I said in an aside—“quit pulling at my coat-tail! Therefore,” I resumed, readdressing the man with the side whiskers, “I ask you a plain question, to wit: When do you expect to abandon this one? I expect a plain answer.”

      He edged a few feet nearer an electric push button which was set in the wall. He seemed flustered and distraught; in fact, almost apprehensive.

      “May I inquire,” he said nervously, “how you got in here?”

      “Your servant admitted us,” I said, with dignity. “Yes,” he said in a soothing tone; “but did you come afoot—or how?”

      “I drove here in a car,” I told him, though I couldn't see what difference that made.

      “Merciful Heavens!” he muttered. “They do not trust you—I mean you do not drive the car yourself, do you?”

      Here Winsell cut in.

      “I drove the car,” he said. “I—I did not want to come, but he”—pointing to me—“he insisted.” Winsell is by nature a groveling soul. His tone was almost cringing.

      “I see,” said the gentleman, wagging his head, “I see. Sad case—very sad case! Young, too!” Then he faced me. “You will excuse me now,” he said. “I wish to speak to my butler. I have just thought of several things I wish to say to him. Now in regard to abandoning this place: I do not expect to abandon this place just yet—probably not for some weeks or possibly months. In case I should decide to abandon it sooner, if you will leave your address with me I will communicate with you by letter at the institution where you may chance to be stopping at the time. I trust this will be satisfactory.”

      He turned again to Winsell.

      “Does your—ahem—friend care for flowers?” he asked.

      “Yes,” said Winsell. “I think so.”

      “Perhaps you might show him my flower gardens as you go away,” said the side-whiskered man. “I have heard somewhere that flowers have a very soothing effect sometimes in such cases—or it may have been music. I have spent thirty thousand dollars beautifying these grounds and I am really very proud of them. Show him the flowers by all means—you might even let him pick a few if it will humor him.”

      I started to speak, but he was gone. In the distance somewhere I heard a door slam.

      Under the circumstances there was nothing for us to do except to come away. Originally I did not intend to make public mention of this incident, preferring to dismiss the entire thing from my mind; but, inasmuch as Winsell has seen fit to circulate a perverted and needlessly exaggerated version of it among our circle of friends, I feel that the exact circumstances should be properly set forth.

      It was a late hour when we rejoined our wives. This was due to Winsel's stupidity in forgetting the route we had traversed after parting from them; in fact, it was nearly midnight before he found his way back to the teahouse where we left them. The teahouse had been closed for some hours then and our wives were sitting in the dark on the teahouse porch waiting for us. Really, I could not blame them for scolding Winsell; but they displayed an unwarranted peevishness toward me. My wife's display of temper was really the last straw. It was that, taken in connection with certain other circumstances, which clinched my growing resolution to let the whole project slide into oblivion. I woke her up and in so many words told her so on the way home. We arrived there shortly after daylight of the following morning.

      So, as I said at the outset, we gave up our purpose of buying an abandoned farm and moved into a flat on the upper west side.