his statements. I therefore proceed to supply in my turn that which I always sought for in others; and, in presenting this diary, to relate a few facts respecting my past life.
I was scarcely twenty-one years of age when the Revolution broke out, and had just been made a Lieutenant de Vaisseau, which corresponded with the rank of a field officer in the line: my family was at court, and I had been recently presented there myself. I was not rich; but my name and rank in life, together with my professional prospects, were likely, according to the notions and views of the times, to enable me to marry according to my wishes. It was at such a moment that our political troubles burst forth.
One of the principal vices in our system of admission to the service was that of depriving us of the benefits of a solid and finished education. Withdrawn from school at the early age of fourteen, abandoned from that instant to ourselves, and launched as it were on a wide waste, how was it possible to attain the slightest notion of social organization, public rights, or the duties of civil life?
Thus, prompted by noble prejudice, rather than by a just sense of duty, above all, led on by a natural fondness for generous resolves, I was amongst the first to hasten abroad and join our Princes; to save, as it was said, the monarch from revolutionary fury, and to defend our hereditary rights, which we could not, it was asserted, yet abandon without shame. From the mode in which we had been educated, it required either a very strong head or a very weak mind to resist the torrent.
The emigration soon became general; this fatal measure is but too well known to Europe; nor can its folly, as a political blunder and a social crime, find any excuse in the present day, except in the unenlightened but upright character of most of those by whom it was undertaken.
Defeated on our own frontiers, discharged and disbanded by foreigners, rejected and proscribed by the laws of our country, numbers of us reached England, whose Ministers lost no time in landing us on the shore of Quiberon. Being so fortunate as not to disembark, I had, after my return, time to reflect on the horrible alternative of fighting against our country under foreign banners; and, from this moment, my ideas, principles, and projects were either disconcerted or entirely changed.
Despairing of events, abandoning the world and my natural sphere, I devoted myself to study; and, under a borrowed name, went through a second course of education in attempting to assist that of others.
After a lapse of some years, the treaty of Amiens, and the amnesty offered by the First Consul, re-opened to us the gates of France. I had no longer any property there: the laws had disposed of my patrimony; but can any thing make us forget our native soil, or destroy the charm of breathing the air of our own country!
I hurried back, and was grateful for a pardon, rendered more acceptable since I could say with pride that I received it without having any motives of self-reproach. When monarchy was proclaimed soon after, my situation and sentiments were of a most singular kind. I found myself a soldier punished for a cause that had triumphed. Every day brought us back to our former ideas: all that had been dear to our principles and prejudices was renewed; and yet delicacy and honour rendered it a kind of duty in us to keep at a distance.
It was in vain that the new government loudly proclaimed the union of all parties; and equally so that its chief had declared he would no longer recognise any but Frenchmen in France; in vain had old friends and former companions offered me the advantages of a new career to be chosen by myself. Unable to subdue the conflicting feelings which agitated my mind, I obstinately persevered in a system of self-denial; and, devoting all my time to literature, I composed under a feigned name, an historical work that re-established my fortune; after which I passed five or six of the happiest years of my life.
Meanwhile, unprecedented events succeeded each other with extraordinary rapidity: they were of such a nature, and bore so peculiar a character, that it became impossible for any person whose heart possessed the least predilection for whatever was great or noble to view them with indifference. The glory of our country was raised to a pitch unknown in the history of any other people: the administration of affairs was unexampled, not less by its energy than the consequences it produced; a simultaneous impulse, which was suddenly given to every species of industry, excited the emulation of all at the same moment; the army was unrivalled, striking terror abroad and creating a just pride at home.
Every day added to the number of our trophies, while numerous monuments proclaimed our exploits; the victories of Austerlitz, Jena, and Friedland; the treaties of Presburg and Tilsit had constituted France the first of nations, and made her the arbitress of Europe. It was a signal honour to be a Frenchman; and yet all these exploits, labours and prodigies, were the work of one man. For my own part, whatever might have been my former prepossessions and prejudices, I was now filled with admiration; and, as we all know, there is but one step from admiration to affection. It was precisely at this period that the Emperor called some of the first families of France round his throne, and caused it to be circulated, amongst the rest, that he would consider those who remained aloof as bad Frenchmen. I did not hesitate for an instant: I have, said I to myself, fulfilled the obligations of my natural oath, that of my birth and education, to which I have continued faithful until its extinction. Our princes too were no longer thought of: we even doubted their existence. The solemnities of religion, the alliance of kings, the example of Europe, and the splendour of France, henceforth taught me that I had a new sovereign. Had those who preceded us made so long a resistance to such powerful efforts, before rallying round the first of the Capets? I answered therefore, for myself, that, happy in being thus enabled to obey a call which removed me with honour from the delicate situation in which I was placed, I freely, spontaneously, and without reserve, transferred the zeal, loyalty, and attachment which I had constantly cherished for my old masters, to the new sovereign: the result of this step was my immediate admission at court.
In this state of things, I felt extremely anxious that my recent protestations should be ratified by deeds. The English had invaded Flushing, and threatened Antwerp; I therefore hastened to assist in the defence of the latter place, as a volunteer; and, on the subsequent evacuation of Flushing, my nomination to the office of chamberlain called me near the person of the Emperor. Being desirous of adding some more useful occupation to the duties of this honourable post, I solicited and obtained a seat in the Council of State. Hence followed several confidential missions: I was sent to Holland at the period of its union to the French Empire, in order to receive whatever related to the naval department; then to Illyria, for the purpose of liquidating the public debt; and afterwards over half the Empire, to superintend establishments of public beneficence. During our late misfortunes, I received some consoling proofs that the inhabitants of the countries to which I had thus been sent were not dissatisfied with my conduct.
Providence had however fixed a limit to our prosperity. The catastrophe of Moscow, the disasters of Leipsic, and the siege of Paris, are well known. I commanded in that city one of the legions which acquired honour by its severe losses on the 31st of March. When the capitulation took place I gave up the command, feeling that other duties were to be performed near the person of my sovereign, but could not reach Fontainebleau in time:—the Emperor had abdicated, and was succeeded by the King.
My situation now became more singular than it had been twelve years before. The cause for which I had sacrificed my fortune, for which I remained so long in exile, and six years in a state of self-denial at home, was at length triumphant; nevertheless, the point of honour and other considerations were about to prevent my reaping any benefit from the event! What could be more capricious than my fate? Two revolutions had been effected in opposition to each other:—by the first I lost my patrimony; by the second I might have been deprived of life: neither the one nor the other had been favourable to my fortune. Vulgar minds will only perceive an unfortunate tergiversation of opinions in this wayward destiny, while the lovers of intrigue will assert that I was twice a dupe: only the few will understand that I have twice honourably fulfilled my duty. Be this as it may, those early friends, whose esteem was not lessened by the line of conduct I had pursued, having now become all powerful, invited me to join them: it was impossible to obey the generous call; disgusted and disheartened, I resolved that my public life should terminate. Ought I to have exposed myself to the false judgment of those who were watching my proceedings? Could every body see what was passing in my mind?
Having