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George Ade
People You Know
Published by Good Press, 2019
EAN 4064066228408
Table of Contents
The Periodical Souse, the Never-Again Feeling and the Ride On the Sprinkling Cart
The Kind of Music That Is Too Good for Household Use
The One or Two Points of Difference Between Learning and Learning How
The Night-Watch and the Would-Be Something Awful
The Attenuated Attorney Who Rang In the Associate Counsel
What Father Bumped Into at the Culture Factory
The Search for the Right House and How Mrs. Jump Had Her Annual Attack
The Batch of Letters, or One Day With a Busy Man
The Sickly Dream and How It Was Doctored Up
The Two Old Pals and the Call for Help
The Regular Kind of a Place and the Usual Way It Turned Out
The Man Who Had a True Friend to Steer Him Along
The Young Napoleon Who Went Back to the Store on Monday Morning
The High Art That Was a Little Too High for the Vulgarian Who Paid the Bills
The Patient Toiler Who Got It in the Usual Place
The Summer Vacation That Was Too Good to Last
How an Humble Beginner Moved from One Pinnacle to Another and Played the Entire Circuit
The Maneuvers of Joel and the Disappointed Orphan Asylum
Two Young People, Two Photographers and the Correspondence School of Wooing
The Married Couple That Went to Housekeeping and Began to Find Out Things
The Samaritan Who Got Paralysis of the Helping Hand
The Effort to Convert the Work Horse Into a High-Stepper
Self-Made Hezekiah and His Message of Hope to This Years Crop of Graduates
The Girl Who Took Notes and Got Wise and Then Fell Down
What They Had Laid Out for Their Vacation
The Experimental Couple and the Three Off-Shoots
Preface
This little book is not supposed to contain any new information. It is made up of plain observations concerning people who live just around the corner. If the reader will bear in mind that only the people who live around the corner are discussed in this volume, there will be no chance for painful misunderstandings. I have no desire to rub the wrong way anyone who proves his true friendship by purchasing a copy of this Work. It may be advisable to explain that these Fables are written in the colloquial American language. The vocabulary employed is one that has become familiar to the ear, although it is seldom seen on the printed page. In other words, this volume contains a shameless amount of slang. If any part of it is unintelligible to the reader, he should be glad that he has escaped what seems to be an epidemic.
THE AUTHOR.
The Periodical Souse, the Never-Again Feeling and the Ride On the Sprinkling Cart
Once there was an Indian who had a Way of putting on all his Feathers and breaking out of the Reservation.
For three Weeks at a Stretch he gave a Correct Imitation of the Shining Light who passes the Basket and superintends the Repairs on the Parsonage. He was entitled to a Mark of 100 for Deportment. With his Meals he drank a little Polly. After Dinner he smoked one Perfecto and then, when he had put in a frolicsome Hour or so with the North American Review, he crawled into the Hay at 9.30 P.m.
At last he accumulated a Sense of Virtue that was hard to carry around. He was proud of himself when he counted up the number of days during which he had stuck to the Straight and Narrow. It seemed to him that he deserved a Reward. So he decided to buy himself a little Present, something costing about 15 cents. He picked out a First-Class Place where they had Electric Fans and Pictures by the Old Masters. He poured out a Working-man's Size—the kind that makes the Barkeep stop wiping up and look unfriendly for a Moment or two.
Then he remembered that a Bird cannot fly with one Wing, so he gently raised the Index Finger and gave the Prescription Clerk a Look, which in the Sign Language means, "Repeat the Dose."
It is an Historical Fact that when a Man falls backward from the Water Wagon he always lands in a Crowd. The full Stage Setting, the Light Effects and the Red Fire were all ready to make it a Spectacular Affair. Just after he had mowed away No. 2 and had stopped worrying about the Winter's Coal, he began to meet Friends who were dying of Thirst. Then the atmosphere began to be curdled with High Balls and Plymouth Sours and Mint Smashes, and he was telling a Shoe Drummer that a lot of People who had been knocking him would probably be working for him before