if I could brush myself a little — to tell the truth — the dirt of the railway — it’s the worst thing on earth——
Servant: You can get warm here by the stove and have a brush down. Grusha, bring a brush.
Friend: What a long way you are from the station! How’s the master, is he well?
Servant: Oh yes. Did you get good horses, if I might ask?
Friend (looking round amazed): Er, yes, not bad.
Servant: The girl will brush you, but master’s calling me. Grusha, do it properly! (Exit.)
Friend (moving away from the monkey): It, er — doesn’t bite?
Maid: It doesn’t bite its friends.
Friend: But strangers?
Maid: Strangers don’t come here.
Friend: Don’t come here ? But, er — your master, is he, er — absolutely well?
Maid: Yes, absolutely.
Friend: Lucky the monkey isn’t free!
Maid: Goodness gracious, why, nobody’s free at master’s.
Fool (approaches): Who are you?
Friend: And who are you?
Fool (importantly): I’m Johnny Cracken and Jenny Jolly, but what’s your name?
Friend (hiding his confusion): I’m called Vanya at home. (Laughs awkwardly.)
Fool: What’s the joke? (To Maid.) What’s he laughing at? (To Monkey.) What’s he laughing at? Let’s leave the sinner. (Exit.)
Friend (pale): Who’s that?
Maid: He told you: Johnny Cracken and Jenny Jolly.
Friend: Er — is your master really quite well?
Maid: Oh yes. He’s just coming. (Pause.)
Friend: I should like to know — how many miles is it from here to the railway?
Maid (astonished): To the railway? What’s the railway?
Friend: You don’t know what a railway is?
Maid: I’ve never heard of one.
Friend: Do you mean to say — do you — well yes, er — do you all live here, without ever going outside?
Maid: Yes, without going outside.
Friend: Hm. — Your face seems familiar.
Maid: I’ve never seen you before. I think you’re here the first time——
Friend: I can’t quite recall where — but still — I don’t know, perhaps I’m mistaken. (Picks up book and reads): “The Political, Statistical, and Geographical Journal; or, The Contemporary History of the World. 1808. Third part. Third book. September.” — (Picks up another.) — “The Genius of the Times,” 1808. — “St. Petersburg Review” — “Northern Mercury” — all September, 1808. — Tell me, that is, er, tell me, what are these papers, old ones?
Maid: I don’t know; we don’t know anything about those things. (Lights the last candles.)
Friend: I don’t understand what sort of candles these are. They’re funny.
Maid: Funny? They’re the best sort of tallow.
Friend: Tallow? Listen. What does this all mean? Come, I entreat you, tell me what it’s all about? My head’s going round. — Oh! Why, you’re Baroness Nordman, or I’ve gone mad, or I’ve got hallucinations, or I’m dreaming!
Maid: But, sir!——
Friend: You’re Baroness Nordman, whom I met only a year ago at the Sociological Society!
Maid: But, sir!——
Friend: I've no more doubts. You’re Helen, Baroness Nordman.
Maid (withdrawing): Lord preserve us! What are you talking about, sir? I’m a serf, a chambermaid, my name’s Grusha, I wash the floor.
Friend: A serf? (Pause.) But serfdom was abolished in 1861!!!
Maid: Lord preserve us! Why it's only 1808 now!
Friend: What?!! (Enter Master. Exit Maid.)
Master (in old-jashioned uniform): Good-day — whatever’s the matter?
Friend: What does all this mean? I entreat you, in the name of God, tell me what it all means? Oh! Oh! my heart! Water! Water!
Fool (entering with Companion): Water! Water! Fire!
Master: Are you ill? What has happened?
Friend: Spray me with water! Pinch me as hard as you can, because I’m fast asleep, I’m frightened and I can’t wake up. Wake me up! This is hellish! Or have I got hallucinations?!! (More quietly.) I’ve been travelling two days in the train and almost a whole day in the carriage. If you’re trying to hoax me, it’s not at all nice of you: I’ve got neurasthenia and a weak heart. — I can’t make out anything. I met an awful old woman with a beard. After her came a black boy. An angry fool made a laughing-stock of me, then a serf baroness, I mean—— No, I! I—— (Shouts.) But explain it once for all! Why, it’s not like anything on earth. Did they really tell me the truth in Petersburg; have you really gone mad?
Master: You weren't afraid to visit a madman? Why are you afraid now?
Friend: I — I’m not really afraid, but — I’ve only lost my bearings — I see that you’re not mad, but at the same time—— Come, don’t torment me any longer! Enough! Why, it’s getting cruel. I’m dog tired! Come, explain things to me, quickly.
Fool (enters): Here’s water! Who wants water? (All but Friend and Fool laugh.)
Friend: Allow me to introduce you: my “God’s fool,” from the next village.
Fool: I’m Johnny Cracken and Jenny Jolly.
Master: They call him Androgyne there, on irrefutable grounds, that’s to say, he’s bisexual.
Friend: Lo — o — ord!!!
Master: And if I wanted to moralise upon every possible occasion I should say at once that you contemporary young people, whose men are full of effeminacy and women of masculinity, might all be called hermaphrodites.
Friend: You say, “You contemporary young people,” but what are you?
Master: I? My costume, my toilet, all my appearance, don’t they tell you in what epoch I’m living? And this furniture, this illumination, these people!
Friend: If I’m not mistaken — it’s as they used to live a hundred years ago.
Master: You’re not mistaken.
Friend: Then — why are you — you — I don’t know why, but I’m afraid somehow, though it makes me seem a coward. I don’t understand, you prefer this — obsolete way of life to our modern——
Master: That's all.
Friend: But what's the reason?
Companion (smiles): It's a curious one.
Master: There are several.
Friend: Tell me just one!
Master (takes out an old book): These old notebooks!
Friend: What are they?
Master: The diary of my great-grandfather.
Friend: What an antiquity!
Master: It has enchanted me.
Friend: The antiquity?
Master: I was