Humorous Readings and Recitations, in Prose and Verse. Various

would be well satisfied with his profits.

      "Clever fellow, Oliphant," muttered Mr. Maybrick; "up to every move on the board. Deuced clever!"

      At that moment Mr. Oliphant, who was a stout, red-faced man, inclined to apoplexy, rushed into the office.

      He was agitated, and looked as if he was going to have a fit.

      "Close the account," he gasped.

      "I have done so," was the reply.

      "What at?"

      "A rise of five per cent."

      "It will ruin me," groaned Oliphant.

      "How? you telephoned me to buy."

      "I said 'sell.'"

      "Then my clerk made a mistake," exclaimed Maybrick; "but it's a lucky mistake for both you and I, for I followed your lead."

      "You're joking!"

      "Never was more serious in my life. I'll give you a cheque at once."

      Mr. Oliphant's face brightened.

      "And I'll give your wooden-headed clerk a ten pound note," he said.

      "That may console him for his dismissal," said Maybrick, dryly.

      "Are you going to get rid of him?"

      "Most decidedly. I cannot afford to keep a clerk who makes errors of that kind. This time it has come out all right; next time it may be all wrong."

      "Just so," replied Mr. Oliphant.

      He handed Maybrick the ten pounds, which the broker gave to Mappin, telling him to present it to Joseph, and inform him that his services would not be any longer required, and the premium his father had paid should be returned by post. Then the broker gave Mr. Oliphant his unexpected profits, and they went out to have a bottle of champagne together.

      Mappin sought Joseph.

      "What are you doing?" he asked.

      "Doing sums," replied Joe, which was his idea of book-keeping.

      "Well, you need not do any more."

      "No, I don't think it a bore," said Joe. "It's all in the day's work, don't you know?"

      "You're not wanted here."

      "Can't I hear? what do you know about it?"

      "The fool's deaf," cried Mappin, raising his voice. "Take this tenner and go."

      Joe heard this plain enough.

      "Sacked!" he said, laconically.

      "Yes," replied Mappin, nodding his head vigorously.

      "What for?"

      "Playing the fool with the telephone. We've no use for you."

      "Oh! very well. I thought I shouldn't answer."

      "You see, we don't run our business on the silent system."

      Joe put on his hat and coat, with that perfect unconcern which always distinguished him.

      "Good morning," he said, pocketing the note. "I say, I don't think much of telephones, do you?"

      "Yes, it's a very clever invention."

      "Ah! there's no accounting for taste."

      With these words Joseph quitted the office, and took a walk in the City.

      (From "Awful Stories," by permission of Messrs. Diprose & Bateman.)