made me feel like I was someone else. Someone better. Not me.
From that point on, I drank and got drunk whenever I could. I stole alcohol from my parents and brought it over to my friends’ houses. I stole it from my friends’ parents and anywhere else I could find it. My friends got tired of the new me pretty quickly, and it’s not hard to understand why. Every time I drank, I got sick and out of control. I was normally a very quiet and shy person, but when I drank I became loud and obnoxious. Eventually, I always ended up in a bathroom somewhere, passed out with my head in the toilet. My teenage years were proving to be very glamorous!
It wasn’t long after I started drinking that I turned to drugs. I used drugs like I drank; whatever I could get, whenever I could get it, as much as I could. I soon began selling drugs to support my addiction. Alcohol was a constant by now and I used it for maintenance. Drugs brought me over the edge when I felt I needed it.
Pretty soon, it all stopped working for me. That feeling of being beautiful and funny and loved was gone. Now I not only felt different and lost when I was not drinking, but the lostness seemed to be magnified when I was under the influence of something. I tried using more and more to get that magical feeling back, but nothing was working anymore. I remember thinking that I knew I had a problem because my life was like an After-School Special about alcoholics and drug addicts.
I had what I guess I would call the usual problems of a teenage alcoholic: I started to get in trouble with the police for things like shoplifting, underage consumption, and trespassing. I drank my way through several sets of friends, always finding new people to hang out with when the old ones got tired of my behavior. I was not fun to be around. I set limits for myself every night on how much I would drink and I always went over. My friends would tell me what I had done or said the next day.
I knew I had a problem and that I couldn’t stop drinking. I’d seen some family members with the same problem. No one had ever said anything about a way to quit, so at seventeen I thought that I was destined to live my life as a drunk. It didn’t much matter to me at this point. I didn’t think I would live that long anyway. I was so depressed that I figured I’d either kill myself in a short time or I’d end up dying in some accident while I was in a blackout. That’s when God stepped in.
It was my senior year and I’d been selling LSD around school. The Friday night that started off my winter break, I was planning on going to a party. I stopped by my parents’ house to get the address, and when I walked in they had this look on their faces like someone had just died. My little brother was sitting in the living room crying. He wouldn’t look at me or talk to me. My parents brought me into the kitchen and told me that a detective had been there looking for me. They asked if I had any idea what he could have wanted with me. Of course, I told them I didn’t. They knew about most of the trouble I had already gotten into, but they really wanted to believe that I was a good person and I played that role in front of them as best as I could.
They told me that the detective hadn’t told them what he was there for, even though I found out later that he had. They brought me into the police station to talk to him. He sat us down and explained to me that a girl I had sold LSD to a few months before had freaked out and gone to the hospital. She’d told the police that I had been the one to sell it to her. I’d been under surveillance for two months. I had been followed everywhere I went and had a tap on my phone. They said they had talked to some of my friends and schoolmates, and they knew that I was the one who had sold LSD to this girl as well as many other people. If anyone decided to press charges, I would be charged with attempted murder.
I remember thinking, “How am I going to get out of this one?” I tried to put a look of disbelief on my face, like I was so innocent I couldn’t believe they were accusing me. It didn’t work. My parents took me home that night and gave me the lecture on how much, once again, I had disappointed them. They searched my room for paraphernalia, then left me alone. I was busted. I felt like my whole world was crumbling down. I knew that I was alone.
I decided to stay clean and sober, because I knew I was going to have to go to court. I had a real incentive this time, and I was actually able to do it, but not without a price. The first week I was clean I lay in bed under the covers and shook. I screamed at anyone who came into my room and at people who weren’t there. The paranoia and fear I felt was overwhelming. I thought I was going to die.
I began to slowly get better, physically anyway. By the time I went back to school, I wasn’t getting sick anymore. The girl who had turned me in ended up being in two of my classes. I hated her more than anything. I thought she was responsible for my pain. I always had to have someone or something else to blame for the way I was feeling, and she was perfect this time.
Somehow, one day in gym class the girl and I ended up running laps next to each other. She had tried to talk to me before, but I’d always ignored her and given her dirty looks. For some reason, that day I heard the words “What’s up?” come out of my mouth, and we started talking. I know today that God was completely responsible for this one. A week later she called me up to ask if I wanted to go to a meeting. I had no idea what she was talking about and she explained to me that she had been able to stay sober by going to AA meetings and working the Twelve Steps. I told her thanks, but no thanks. I was doing just fine on my own.
But that phone call really made me start thinking. Was I doing fine on my own? What about my obsession to go back to drinking and using drugs? The threat of court wasn’t enough anymore. I wanted to drink and I didn’t care what the consequences were. I decided to try one of these meetings with her the following week.
I remember very little about my first meeting. They probably had a First Step meeting for me, but all I know for certain is that I cried the whole time. It didn’t matter that everyone else there was much older than me. I finally felt that I had found a place where I belonged.
I drank one more time after this meeting. I told my friends not to tell anyone because I was afraid the people at the meeting would find out. I was ashamed and I knew I was acting like an alcoholic — just like the people at the meeting had described. I didn’t decide then that would be my last time drinking, but from that day to this I have not had to pick up another drink. I know I owe that to AA.
I slowly started going to meetings and slowly started taking the suggestions and working the Steps. I was hardheaded and wanted to do things my way, so it took a long time for me to start feeling really better. Something told me that things were going to be okay if I kept going to meetings and didn’t drink. It was very hard and very painful, but one day at a time I was able to keep coming back until the miracle happened.
When I was about two years sober, I was sitting in a First Step meeting, telling my story, when suddenly I came to believe that getting busted was the best thing that ever happened to me. If it hadn’t been for that, I would never have found the program that I so desperately needed. I had been so resentful over that situation, but now I could be grateful for it. I believe that was my first miracle, and I’ve experienced many since then.
I am now twenty-four years old, and I just celebrated my seven-year anniversary in AA. The only way it’s worked for me is to do what others have done in the past: don’t drink, go to meetings, get a sponsor, and read the Big Book. It can be a very painful process, especially in the beginning and even now, but I’ve been given the tools to get through the pain and get to the gratitude. I’ve been able to see some of the Promises come true in my life, and I truly believe that is a miracle. I was able to get through the rest of high school and college sober. I have a job that I love today and people in my life whom I love. Everything I have I owe to AA. Most important, AA has given me a relationship with God. This has allowed me not only to stay sober one day at a time, but to live a full and meaningful life.
This is an incredible Fellowship and I’m very grateful to be a part of it, although I don’t always feel this way. Sometimes I feel very sorry for myself, because I’m young and I’m an alcoholic and I’m never going to be able to drink again. When I start to think like this, I remember that this is a one-day-at-a-time program and that God has a plan for me. I was brought to this Fellowship at exactly the right time. I drank as much as I needed to get here and felt as much pain as I needed to. I’ve already