with a guy in the Fellowship, and he helps me in ways I can’t describe.
Only one thing really helps me: I try to listen to the suggestions and the experiences. “Keep Coming Back” also helps. This program isn’t for those who need it; it’s for those who want it. I’m just glad I wanted it badly enough.
BREANNE M.
SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH
How Bad Is Bad Enough?
Dear Grapevine, October 2003
I am a nineteen-year-old alcoholic. My sobriety date is February 11, 2003. Since I have been coming to meetings, I have heard things like “It’s good that you came to AA before anything bad happened to you.” Statements like these make me feel inferior. It’s like saying my alcoholic career was a breeze. I may not have been drinking as long as most AAs, but don’t tell me that I haven’t experienced bottom. Last year, I went to six rehabs (three inpatient, three outpatient), and a halfway house, and at one point, I was in a coma. Yet I still drank. After my last detox experience, I gave up the fight and surrendered to God. I believe that God brings us into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous at the right time. If we pick up once again, we weren’t ready. I just hope I can be of service to young people and other alcoholics.
MIKE C.
PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA
Haven't You Had Enough?
August 1999
As I sat in my chair and looked around the room, I thought to myself that there was no way I belonged with these people. So what if I drank a little more than my friends? An alcoholic I was not. I was too young.
I started drinking at the age of eleven. When I drank, I became funny and beautiful, and it seemed to me I had friends. But somewhere along the way I crossed an invisible line, and drinking was no longer something I could choose. My friends had begun to say, “Haven’t you had enough?” But as drunk as I was, I had just started.
My self-esteem vanished. I was no one. Only when a man said I was beautiful, did I even think, Maybe I’m all right.
I hated the sight of what I’d become. I started to isolate. I became suicidal. My parents, not knowing that I was drinking, didn’t know what to do with a depressed teenager.
Then I found tequila, and during my last year of drinking, I never drew a sober breath. I drank to a point of no friends and no self-worth. No one could trust me, not even my parents. The next day, I was in a thirty-day treatment program. That day, sobriety began. It was March 21, 1988. I was thirteen years old.
Today, I know who I am. Very proudly in my meetings I announce that I am an alcoholic. I pray daily, even just to ask my Higher Power (whom I choose to call God) to walk with me that day. He has never left me, even when I left him. I’m active in AA—shaking hands, chairing meetings, coffee duty, reading, and sharing my experience, strength, and hope. I try to live the Twelve Steps of AA. I’ve found that they apply to my every situation in life since I still have to learn to live life on life’s terms.
Every one of us in AA is a miracle. The gratitude I have is just to be breathing today. I was so close to dying. And although I have a lot of “yets” out there, I have true friends who love me. All I need to do is call them and go to meetings, work my program, and for today the “yets” won’t come.
So I write this to thank all of you for keeping the AA program strong and giving me a chance to continue my sobriety today.
A.C.B.
RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA
Reaching Teens
Dear Grapevine, February 2001
I have been sober for two months. I just got out of juvenile detention. I am fourteen and have been drinking for five years.
No, I am not lying. My family life permitted me to do such things. I was put in juvenile detention after I was arrested for escaping from a treatment center. Now I am in a long-term treatment house for teenage girls. It’s a very good place.
I am just writing to say that young people are serious about quitting. I have been around a lot of runaways who were attempting to quit but couldn’t without some sort of positive motivation like I have found in AA. I think that you would be able to reach out to younger people nationwide with a teen Grapevine and/or youth oriented AA groups. It would be inspiration for people who someday will be either drunks or honest, trustworthy citizens who can make America proud.
MANDIE W.
BELLINGHAM, WASHINGTON
Seventeen and Sober
January 1978
I am an alcoholic and I am also seventeen—not surprising, because there are many teenage alcoholics. Half of them don’t even know they have a problem. I’m one of the lucky ones; I found out in time.
I have been drinking since I was eight. Physically, it didn’t take its toll until the last three years. But mentally, it affected me from the very first drink I picked up.
My story is a common one. I drank because I had problems—in other words, to cop out. I wasn’t very happy at home. Although I was loved, I didn’t feel wanted. The bottle was my friend. It helped me cope.
As the years passed by and my drinking progressed, I became obsessed with alcohol. I needed it to do just about everything. At about the age of twelve, I went from scotch on weekends to drinking beer with my friends. They had discovered drinking, and now I didn’t have to drink alone any more. We would walk up to the deli and get a couple of quarts apiece. But I was never satisfied with just two quarts. This was when I suspected something was wrong.
By this time, it had really caught up with me. I missed days from school, mostly Mondays and Fridays. No longer did I drink only on weekends. I drank on weekdays, too. I drank in the morning to calm my nerves and steady my shaking hands. Then the resentments and the fears set in.
At fourteen, I was contemplating suicide. I couldn’t find any reason to live. I hadn’t even begun to live, and I wanted to die. It was a vicious cycle of morning sickness and shaking and night drinking. Drinking wasn’t fun any more. I didn’t enjoy the high as I used to. By now, I couldn’t function without alcohol. I had lost everything—my self-respect and my will to live. I was embarrassing my family, and no longer was I the life of the party. I was a drunk. I knew what I was doing was wrong. But what was I going to do? I would try anything to stop.
I knew someone in AA and decided to try it. With no idea of what to expect, I went to my first meeting on January 16, 1976. I was afraid to talk. If anyone came near me, I started to shake. Through my sponsor and my Higher Power, I made it—but not right away. It took me a couple of months. Now, I know why. It was because I didn’t open up. I wouldn’t let anyone help me. Then I surrendered. It was the most important thing I had ever done. I just let go and let God.
The difference since I’ve been in AA is amazing. Before, I kept everything to myself, because I didn’t think I needed anyone. I had forgotten how to smile, and laughing was a thing of the past. But since I’ve been in the program, it has helped me more than I can say. I’m learning to smile and laugh again, and I’ve even gotten back some of my self-respect. The friends I have in AA are the best friends I’ll ever have. I still have problems, but AA has taught me how to handle them and not run from them. I am very grateful to AA for my new life. I believe God has given me a second chance. So I will carry the AA message to anyone who needs and wants it.
ANONYMOUS
RICHMOND, NEW YORK
CHAPTER THREE
The Next Generation
Growing up around AA is no guarantee against alcoholism