The Journal of Leo Tolstoi (First Volume—1895-1899). graf Leo Tolstoy

but I am sad and can not master myself. It is like the feeling I had when St. Thomas[119] locked me in and I heard through my prison how every one was gay and was laughing. But I don’t want to. One must suffer humiliation and be good. I can do it.

      I continue to copy:

      1) The disbelief in reason is the source of all evil. This disbelief is reached by the teaching of a distorted faith from childhood. Believe in one miracle and the trust in reason is destroyed.

      2) …

      3) Christianity does not give happiness but safety; it lets you down to the bottom from which there is no place to fall.

      4) I rode horseback from Tula and thought about this; that I am a part of Him, separated in a certain way from other such parts, and He is everything, the Father, and I felt love, just love, for Him. Now, especially now, I not only can not reproduce this feeling, but not even recall it. But I was so joyful that I said to myself: Here I was thinking that I can not learn anything new and suddenly I acquired a wonderful blessed new feeling, a real feeling.

      5) What humbug[120]—beauty, truth, goodness! Beauty is one of those attributes of outer objects, like health, an attribute of the living body. Truth is not the ideal of science. The ideal of science is knowledge, not truth. The good can not be placed on the plane with either of these, because it is the goal of life.

      (It is unclear, but it was clear and will be.)

      6) I do not remember good works, because they are outside of the material man—of memory.

      August 1, Ysn. Pol. If I live.—which is doubtful. My heart aches very much. …