I know you’re a total weirdo. But I don’t think anyone else will.’
Just then, I saw a bunch of girls heading my way. Hannah Condom’s friends.
Oh God.
They all started whispering in a huddle, then marched over to me.
‘Hey, what did you say to Hannah?’ one of them said.
‘I…’ I started.
‘She’s crying in the loos because of you,’ another said.
‘Oh God, I’m so sorry, I…’
‘At her last school the boys used to fill her locker up with condoms. They used to blow up condoms and write “Condom Head” on them, and leave them sitting in her chair.’
‘I’m so sorry to hear that, I…’
‘She doesn’t need that trauma again, OK?’
‘It wasn’t meant to be…’
But they’d started walking off.
‘Tell her I’m sorry!’ I yelled at their backs.
Then I turned to Steph, who was literally suffocating trying to hold her breath in from laughter. Once they’d reached a safe enough distance, she exploded into fits of snorting, raucous guffaws.
‘You…total…twat…’ she said, gasping for air.
I sat on the floor and buried my head in my hands.
‘Oh God,’ I repeated. ‘Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God. Steph, what am I going to do?!’
‘Do you…have any…classes with…her?’ she managed.
‘No, thank the Lord!’
‘Well then…’ Her lungs sounded like they were about to collapse. ‘Just avoid eye contact…for the next year and a half… and you’re golden.’
Then I stood up, got some water in my hands from the fountain and splashed it on her. The shock seemed to calm her down.
Anyway, I think I can safely say that I will never be friends with Hannah Condom. I will never even be on remotely friendly terms with Hannah Condom.
Please can I go home now? Please???
posted by EditingEmma 19.06
I’ve Given Up
Just an official post to declare the friend mission is ABORTED. All day I had to stay well out of Hannah Condom etc.’s orbit. I did really well until after last bell, when I saw Hannah walking down the corridor. I started running in the opposite direction, only to bump into bloody Anika Khatri coming the other way. She gave me a look like I was a real freak and by the time I got past her Hannah had caught up, and she gave me a look like I was a mass murderer.
That is two out of three girls on the list I’ve not only failed to make friends with, but actually actively pissed off. How am I so terrible at this?! How do I have any friends at all? Was it all a fluke? Or was I just better at speaking to people, age eleven? Is that it now? Is all my friend-making done forever??! Oh my God. This is AWFUL.
Seriously though?? What happens when Faith goes backpacking? When Gracie gets a swanky job in New York? When Steph starts procreating with Andy? WHO WILL I TALK TO?!
Maybe I could convince Steph and Andy to let me live in their shed, if I promise to be very quiet and not to scare their children with my unwashed hair and glazed eyes.
Definitely not going in tomorrow. One day back was more than enough.
posted by EditingEmma 08.36
Mum wasn’t a fan of the whole ‘I’m not going back in on my second day’ thing, so here I am. Sigh. It’s probably for the best. It’s the first fashion show meeting tonight and now that I bugged Ms Parker about joining, I’m definitely going to have to turn up.
posted by EditingEmma 16.01
So, I am currently at my first, official after-school activity. Waiting for Ms Parker to arrive to commence the voluntary captivity. I feel weird and not at all like myself, like Stefan Salvatore when he gets the taste for human blood after 150 years.
WHO AM I?
Anyway, this new, pod-person Emma, who stays at college more than thirty seconds after the bell rings, sat down next to Crazy Holly (who is also helping out with the fashion show). Holly carefully unwrapped a carved lemon from some tin foil and offered me a piece. I respectfully declined. Then she said, ‘So why are you here?’
‘I like making clothes,’ I said.
She nodded profoundly.
‘That’s what they told me to say, too,’ she said and winked.
WHAT AM I DOING?
posted by EditingEmma 18.07
Home
I can’t believe I’m saying this but…I think I might have actually…had fun? At school? At school when I didn’t have to be there?
For a while I watched people leaving out the window, going back to their homes, walking towards their freedom, and I felt quite wistful and helpless… Like I was the guy in Shawshank Redemption, wrongfully imprisoned for a crime and left to rot. I sort of had the urge to call out, ‘I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE. I WANNA GO HOME!’ But then Ms Parker arrived and began chatting about the plans for the show, and it actually all sounded really cool.
There were about twenty-five of us and we went around the circle introducing ourselves and dividing out roles. I didn’t really recognize anyone except Holly, but the guy who sat next to me was nice. He had very ‘high-fashion’ hair and shoes and managed to look sort of preened in a way that I can never achieve after three hours getting ready, never mind after a day at school.
‘Hi,’ he said. ‘I’m Charlie.’
‘Hi,’ I replied. ‘I’m Emma. What teams are you going for?’
‘Design.’ He shrugged, as if there were no other answer.
‘Oh cool!’ I said. ‘Me too!’
Then he showed me a pair of paisley trousers he’d been working on and how he’d stitched the seam to be curved like the paisley. A cool trick, which I made a mental note to steal for future designs.
‘Did you make this?’ he asked, pointing to my top.
‘I did.’
‘I really like the buttons.’
‘Why thank you.’
It was SO NICE to be able to talk to people who were really interested in making clothes, too. As I explained my choice of buttons I waited for him to raise one eyebrow sceptically, or to shout ‘Why didn’t you use CHOCOLATE buttons’ and try to fit a whole pack in his mouth, like Steph did the other day. But no… He listened to me, explaining my choice of buttons, as if it were a legitimate and interesting thing to be speaking about.
This must be what Steph feels like when she’s with her football team talking about the offside rule, rather than trying to explain it to my unconscious, sleeping body.
Anyway, I volunteered for design and social media. Holly kept putting her hand up for every single team and eventually Ms Parker said, ‘Are you sure that’s not too many, Holly?’
‘I can handle the heat.’ She shrugged.
I’m actually really, really excited. If I get design team then I get to make fifteen outfits