Although I dig that she’s into Maths and cats, I struggle with even the most basic of mathematical concepts and I’m not really an animal person. Cats always seem to hiss at me. Will she sense that?
Anika Khatri
Pros: She seems fun. I can always hear her across the sixth form centre. Judging from her profiles she’s also an excellent dancer.
Cons: If she’s too fun, will she get annoyed by the amount of hours I spend on Netflix? Will she want to make up dance routines together? Because if so, I can say with absolute confidence this relationship won’t work.
Hannah Condom
Pros: Hannah is actually on the list purely on the basis that her last name is Condom. From this I figure that she must, surely, have had to develop a sense of humour.
Cons: I’m not sure I could resist constantly pointing out that her last name is Condom.
Having assessed the list, I’ve decided that Anika Khatri is the place to start. I can just picture it…us having a good old laugh together in the sixth form centre, engaging in constant chatter… People will be able to hear us from all corners of the school. Oh, what good friends they are, they’ll say. What japes we’ll have! What mischief we’ll cause! If I’m very quiet, I can almost hear our future bonding ringing in my ears.
Also, at parties if I stand near her whilst she dances and don’t move, people might assume I’m also good at dancing just by being near her.
My plan is to go through all of Anika’s profiles and collect as much information as possible, and see what I can use as a ‘conversation starter’.
posted by EditingEmma 16.58
Research on Anika
She has a big family. (Can I ask her about this? Compare to my tiny one?)
She recently went to Bali. (I’ve always wanted to go?)
She had a tooth out. (Ask if was painful?)
Hmm. I don’t know if I should use the tooth thing. That was six months ago and might give away that I’ve essentially been revising her life.
posted by EditingEmma 17.15
Something Awful Has Happened
No. No nonono nonononoooo. NOOOOOOOO.
Oh God.
NO.
How can my plan have gone awry already?!?! I only started this afternoon! And I haven’t even spoken to Anika yet!!!
I’d just completed my research. I was still on her Twitter, about three years back, when I had a sudden urge for a Jammy Dodger. As I was grasping for the Dodger, which was just out of reach, I slipped a little bit…and my other hand was still on the trackpad…
I accidentally clicked.
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
For a moment, I thought, it will be OK. You just liked one of her old tweets. Standard. A bit embarrassing but I’ll just pretend it never happened, she’ll just pretend she never saw the notification and we’ll all move on. Maybe we’ll laugh about it in years to come when we’re bezzies.
But no. I didn’t just ‘like’ one of her tweets from the end of last year.
I RETWEETED IT.
Oh God. And it’s possibly one of the weirdest things I could have retweeted. It’s a photo of her ninety-year-old granddad, saying, ‘90 today, wow!! Happy Birthday, love you so much.’
Now Anika’s very old relative is just sitting there on my own profile. Baring his missing teeth in a grim smile, birthday hat tipped jauntily to one side, a glassy look in his eye, about to tuck into his little piece of cake.
I tried to delete it, but, of course, because the Gods of Sod’s Law love to taunt me…at that very moment my computer froze up.
‘Ctrl Alt Delete!!’ I screamed. ‘Ctrl Alt Delete!!!’
I waited for the computer to restart and raced back on, only to see that Anika had already been online. My heart sank. She’d already seen it.
What do I do now??!
posted by EditingEmma 17.18
He’s still there. It’s starting to feel distinctly creepy. Mum came in and said, ‘Why are you staring at a picture of an old man?’
His glassy eyes are boring into my soul.
posted by EditingEmma 17.25
Gave in and rang Steph again. I know she’s out with Andy today, but desperate times and all that.
‘STEPH,’ I said.
‘What’s up?’
‘I retweeted a picture of Anika Khatri’s grandfather.’
‘I…you what?!’
‘I retweeted a picture of her grandfather. Help! What do I do?’
I heard Andy’s voice in the background.
‘It’s Emma,’ Steph said. ‘She retweeted a picture of some girl’s grandfather.’
‘Oh great, let’s involve more people in this,’ I said.
‘Why?’ I heard him say.
‘Yeah, why?’ repeated Steph.
‘It was an accident, OBVIOUSLY.’
‘Why were you on Anika’s profile?’ Steph sounded baffled.
‘She’s number one on the New Friend List.’
‘Hang on, I’m just having a look…’
There was a silence.
‘Oh my GOD.’ Steph burst out laughing again. ‘You total WEIRDO.’
‘Steph, this is not helpful. Any advice on where to go from here would be much appreciated.’
I heard mumbling.
‘Andy says un-retweet immediately.’
‘What about you?’
She thought for a second. ‘I say…style it out.’
‘Style it out?’
‘Yeah. I mean, she’s already seen it. There’s nothing you can do now. Maybe if you just act like it’s totally normal, she’ll think it’s totally normal.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah. Ooh ooh, I know, you should retweet some more random stuff. Make her think you’re one of those people who just retweets EVERYTHING. You know, like Desperate Paul?’
‘You think that will work?’
‘Definitely.’
posted by EditingEmma 19.01
Right, I’ve just retweeted eleven other things on Anika’s account and I’ve been COMPLETELY indiscriminate. I’ve retweeted everything from old relatives to dance school stuff to how we should all be using Tesco bags for life.
Should I keep on going? 15.59
The more the better I think. S x 15.59
Feeling a bit calmer now. Hopefully, by the end of the day, I will have salvaged this potential relationship.
posted by EditingEmma 19.45
Emma’s New Friend, Part 1: Mission Failed
I