Hmm… I suppose I could put ‘easy-going’ just to be ironic.
Now picking out hobbies. ‘Going to the doctor about various illnesses you don’t have’ isn’t on here so that’s pretty much half her life out. I checked salsa and t’ai chi. I was actually really proud writing about her business and her interior designing stuff, she’s done so well to start her own company… And to raise a child ALONE at the same time… I should probably be nicer to her. Probably.
The thought crossed my mind, thank God I’ve got fashion designing, now, because ‘internet stalking’ and ‘masturbating’ apparently don’t count as proper hobbies.
posted by EditingEmma 17.38
WE HAVE A MESSAGE. FROM ‘JOHN247’.
It says: ‘If beauty were a time, you’d be an eternity ;)’
To think, just thirty seconds ago I was so eager to read this message from this strange man. I feel dirty.
posted by EditingEmma 18.36
Mum stomped upstairs yelling, ‘EMMA! EMMA!’ as if I wouldn’t hear her.
‘WHY am I getting email notifications from strange men saying they’d be happy to give me a full body work-up? Or that I’ve clearly got a case of beautiful womanitis?’
‘It’s better your potential future partner knows about your hypochondria now, Mum.’
Then she launched into a lecture,‘You’ve got no respect for me, blah blah’. Rather ungrateful, if I do say so myself.
‘I was just trying to help!!’ I defended.
‘I don’t need your help.’
‘I think you do, Mum.’
‘I think you’re the one who can play full episodes of Pretty Little Liars in her head, without even turning on the TV.’
She had me there. Anyway, then she stormed off. Woops.
Evidence: Just because you’ve stopped looking for love yourself, don’t interfere in other people’s love lives. Lesson learned.
posted by EditingEmma 23.26
Nagging Thoughts
I’m trying to sleep, but I keep thinking about things. I know it’s completely, completely irrational, but… I feel kind of afraid. Steph’s beginning this whole new thing without me. This feels different to anyone else she’s dated (e.g. Jonno and his fascinatingly small head). It seems…more important somehow. Older. And in all honesty, I’m completely, selfishly terrified. I’ve put all my eggs in one basket and suddenly I’m being expected to share them. Andy’s eating my eggs.
The second thing is that damned, unrelenting thorn in my side: my horniness. I’m usually fine with masturbating but…I don’t know… Ever since being with my ex-boyfriend Greg (who I misguidedly dated to get over Leon, which, even though I did like Greg a lot, was an awful idea) I guess I’ve realized that even if boys can be a little bit…um…inexpert at aiding you with your horniness, they still, somehow, manage it just by being there, in a way that is somehow a bit more fulfilling than masturbation.
I know. More fulfilling than masturbation. Who knew?
So now, all I keep imagining is being with someone who is good at aiding you with your horniness, who is not you, and well…it’s a nice thought.
And a little bit incompatible with being alone.
I’ve tried to quiet my horniness by ignoring it. I really have. Sort of like how leaving a baby alone wailing in a room instead of holding it is meant to be character-building. But thus far my horn hasn’t shut up and developed a good, strong personality, it just keeps persisting louder and LOUDER.
The third thing is…UGH. I hate admitting this. The third thing is that even though I have stopped stalking Leon online, I have occasionally stalked him in my mind. Sometimes his name just comes into my brain. Or his face. Or a moment we had together. Just like one of those stupid montage videos they make of you and another person…but IN MY HEAD.
It’s not all the time or anything, but…it happens.
Anyway, this is most likely because I’ve been on my own a bit these holidays. Everything’s probably fine. I’ve got too much time to think, that’s all. Stupid thoughts!!!
Steph’s coming over tomorrow, thank God. I can stop thinking about myself for a bit and just listen to her talk.
posted by EditingEmma 16.08
Steph’s Growing Up
Steph just left. I feel a bit emotional.
‘So how did it go with Gracie??’ I started, as she settled down on my bed. Given that Andy is not just any first-proper-boyfriend, he’s also our friend Gracie’s brother, it makes the whole thing slightly more complicated.
‘It was actually really nice,’ said Steph.
I nearly fell off the bed in shock. ‘Really nice?’ I repeated. ‘With Gracie?’
Gracie, My Ex-Frenemy
In amongst a lot of other antics last term, another massive thing to happen was my fight with Gracie. She did something which hurt at the time (i.e. posted my secret blog online and kind of ruined me getting back together with Leon…) but actually, her doing that made me realize just how not worth it Leon was and also that in focusing so much on my terrible love life, I’d failed to notice how terrible our friendship had become. We’re on much better terms now. The other day we all went out together and we didn’t snipe at each other once. (Apart from when she said mozzarella is the best kind of cheese, which is clearly wrong.)
Still, I must admit I’m surprised by her being OK with this. I wasn’t expecting Steph to make it out alive. But apparently, after Steph admitted that she really likes Andy, but said it didn’t have to go any further if Gracie had an issue with it, Gracie apologized to Steph for making her feel like she couldn’t say anything about it!
‘Sacre bleu!’ I said.‘Really?! That’s…so…unexpectedly simple.’
‘Yep…it was…’
‘Was?’
Steph went silent and buried her head in her hands. Then started rocking backwards and forwards on my bed. ‘Oh Emma. Then I RUINED it.’
‘What?! How? What did you do?!’
Steph took a breath and looked up. ‘So after we chatted, we hung out for a bit, and it was all really nice…’
‘Yes…?’
‘Then Gracie wanted to do some work and I said, cool, I’ll go. But then Andy messaged me to see what I was up to.’
‘Right…?’
‘So I said, well actually, I’m in the room next door. And he said…come see me. But by the time we’d agreed this, Gracie was already taking me downstairs to say goodbye and she’d been so nice about the whole thing and I didn’t want to make her feel awkward…so…’
‘So?’
‘So, um, I just sort of…panicked and left. And, um, walked down the street.’
I started laughing.
‘And then Andy was all, where are you? And I turned around and walked back up the street.’
I