The Mum Who’d Had Enough: A laugh out loud romantic comedy perfect for fans of Why Mummy Drinks
driving test. Her third go, it was. She was lucky to get you—’
‘Oh, if she passed, then it was on her own merit,’ I say quickly.
‘No, seriously. You’re my mum’s hero—’
‘Ha, well, just doing my job,’ I say, aware of the tension in my jaw building to critical levels as I bid her goodbye and pull away, trying to focus on the road ahead and what the heck I am supposed to be doing next.
Oh, yes – going to work. Despite everything that’s happened this morning I need to conduct seven driving tests today, virtually back to back, because life must go on, and most of these candidates will be in a severely nervous state. Today, I am working in Solworth, a bigger and scruffier town than Hesslevale, a twenty-minute drive away over the hills. Liv has replied to my text: No worries hope all okay, take care, Lx. People are extraordinarily kind – yes, even driving examiners. We are not heroes, as that woman suggested, and nor are we mean-spirited arseholes, trying to ‘catch people out’. We are just decent people, doing our job. Passive observers, is the way I tend to describe our role. Maybe I’ve been too bloody passive in my marriage too?
I drive on through open countryside on this bright and sunny May morning, then into the outskirts of Solworth, where I pull up at the test centre car park.
Okay, here goes. I climb out of my car, adjust my specs and smooth down the front of my trousers as if that’ll make me appear in control of my life. The centre is an unprepossessing, single-storey modern block with a motorway-service-centre vibe, minus the delights of cinnamon lattes and slot machines. People show up, do what they need to do and leave, with no desire to hang around. Well, of course they do. It hardly has a party atmosphere.
I stride into the office and greet Liv, the manager, and Eric, one of the other examiners, who’s also a good friend.
‘Hey, Nate. Everything all right?’ He peers expectantly over a chipped Liverpool FC mug.
‘Yeah, fine, thanks,’ I say briskly and turn to Liv. ‘Sorry about this morning …’
Concern flickers in her green eyes. Liv is a glamorous Canadian with big, bouncy chocolate-coloured hair and a youthful face that belies the fact that her fiftieth birthday is approaching. ‘Don’t worry,’ she says. ‘We had a cancellation, so Nadira’s taken your first candidate. They should be back any minute now.’ As she studies my face, I am conscious of Eric going through the motions of organising paperwork at his desk, all the while wondering what the hell’s wrong because I am never late for anything. That’s one thing Sinead could never accuse me of.
‘Nothing serious, was it?’ Eric asks.
‘No, not at all.’ I sit down to prepare my own paperwork, aware that an explanation is required. ‘Just a bit of a situation at home,’ I add. Liv frowns in my direction and gets up to click on the kettle. They are behaving as if I have come to work minus my trousers, and no one quite knows how to bring it up.
‘Is Flynn okay?’ Liv asks.
‘Yeah, he’s great, thanks,’ I reply.
‘Did he get on all right with that assessment the other day?’ Eric wants to know.
‘Yeah, everyone was really pleased …’ I catch him studying me whilst sipping his coffee. ‘Just one of those mornings,’ I add. ‘Annoying domestic stuff, y’know …’ I clear my throat and turn my attention back to my forms, hoping they’ll assume I’ve been delayed due to heroically attending to a blocked drain, or a malfunctioning hairdryer, rather than marital disaster.
‘Okay, well, your 9.45’s here,’ Liv remarks brightly.
‘Great. I’ll get to it, then.’
I catch her giving me another worried look as I stride towards our office door. ‘You know, Nate, if you’re feeling a bit off colour—’
‘No, honestly, I’m good, thanks,’ I say with exaggerated chirpiness. Apart from being a shabby excuse for a husband and father, I’m just dandy!
I pause for a moment, trying to gather myself together in order to exude calmness and capability. Through the glass panel in the door between our office and the waiting room, I can see my candidate, whom I have tested before. The weaselly young man with straggly blond hair is sitting, deep in muttered conversation, with his instructor.
We know most of the instructors by name as we see them regularly. This one, Karl, looks as if he is trying to calm the lad down, but perhaps failing as, when I push open the door, my candidate barks, ‘Hope I’m not getting that lanky fucker with the glasses again. I know he’s got it in for me.’
*
In fact, he drives extremely competently this time, and remarks, ‘So, I did all right today, did I?’ with a distinct sneer as we part company (yes, and that’s why you damn well passed!). Somehow, I manage to cobble together a facade of normality and work my way through the rest of the morning’s tests. However, a particular point on Sinead’s list keeps pulsing away in my brain:
You don’t make me feel special.
Was she referring to a lack of meals out? I wonder, as my current candidate collides with the kerb whilst reversing around a corner. The way things appear at the moment, I suspect it’d take more than dinner for two on Steak Night at the Wheatsheaf to rectify my numerous shortcomings.
Having explained to my candidate why she failed, I make my way back to the office. At least Sinead has now texted – twice – which surely indicates that she still loves me? Okay, the first time was to say, Please stop bombarding me with calls, will phone when I can. The other one was equally devoid of sentiment: Don’t worry, will let dogs out at lunchtime as usual. But it did suggest she still cares, I decide, as I pace the shabby streets around the test centre in lieu of eating any lunch.
With just five minutes left of my break, I finally manage to get her on the phone.
‘Nate,’ she says distractedly, ‘I’m in the shop.’
‘I know, I know. But we need to talk—’
‘Excuse me,’ says a shrill voice in the background, ‘will you be stocking those pomegranate-scented candles again?’
‘I have a customer here,’ Sinead hisses, then clicks neatly into her shop lady voice: ‘Erm, they were just in for Christmas, but there’s a new bergamot and lime fragrance coming in next week. It’s lovely and fresh for early summer—’
‘Ah, yes, but I was really hoping for something fruitier …’
‘Sinead!’ I bark. ‘Could we please talk, just for a minute?’
‘I’m-at-work.’ There’s a pause, then the shop voice again: ‘Sorry about that. I could call our supplier, if you like?’
Sure – go ahead! Call the candle people and chat away to your customer as if you haven’t just pulled the plug on our marriage. I stomp past a car wash where two young men are hosing down a BMW, with tinny music blaring. Alarmingly, tears appear to be falling out of my eyes. I haven’t cried properly since I took Flynn to see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, and that wasn’t because of the film; it was the fact that my dad had died a few days before.
‘Nate?’ Ah, she’s remembered I’m here, that I still exist.
‘Where are you staying?’ I ask, frowning. ‘I mean, where were you last night?’
‘At Abby’s …’
‘Cosy!’
‘Don’t be like that …’
‘Did that Rachel woman put you up to this?’
‘Nate, stop this, stop saying that-Rachel-woman …’
‘I need to see you,’ I exclaim. ‘You can’t just send me an email like that and then