since there was no chance that Anson was waiting. She would have to figure out some way to elude him in the future. Or perhaps he would get used to seeing her walking every day and stop playing the big brother.
“There’s another thing I’ve missed,” he said. “Your laugh.”
“Don’t go getting serious on me, Jake. I get enough of that from everybody else. Little lost Emily who needs to be straightened out.”
“You’ve got a deal. I promise never to be serious.”
If she had hurt his feelings, she couldn’t hear it in his voice. He walked on at the same slow pace, his hand lightly holding her arm. She was about to venture a look at his face when she heard him chuckle. “What?”
“I was just remembering when you were little and came for the summer. Your pa and brothers in the mansion, me and my pa in the little house with Ma the only woman on the place. You turned everybody on his ear. The first time, you were a little bitty thing, about like Willa. Ma wanted you to stay with us. She was sure you’d miss your ma in the night and none of the men up here would know what to do for you. She had Arlen convinced right away, almost convinced your pa. But Christian wouldn’t hear of it. He barely let you out of his sight.”
Emily watched the prairie grasses nod in the light breeze. “You were what, about nine? What did you think of the idea?”
“Oh, I was against it. I figured you were a baby, and I didn’t want some baby crying in the night, waking me up. I kept my mouth shut though, and let Christian do the arguing. After it was settled, and it was safe, I told Ma it had been a fine idea, and I was real sorry you wouldn’t be with us.”
Emily laughed. “You always knew how to get around your ma.”
“Not as well as you could get around Christian. I swear! You would talk me into something, and I’d be in trouble. Do you remember the boat we were going to sail down that stream down there?” He pointed to the valley below where a narrow creek reflected the blue of the sky.
“Oh, Lord. I almost drowned.”
“You didn’t almost drown.” He stopped and turned to face her, his hands on his hips. She choked back a giggle. “You convinced Christian that you had almost drowned so he’d let you off the hook. You know, I missed a trip to town because of your harebrained scheme.”
“If it was so harebrained,” she asked with mock exasperation, “how come you went along with it?”
“Well,” he said, turning to walk at her side again. “I didn’t know it was harebrained until the boat sank. I really thought I could build a boat. I didn’t see how it could be so hard.”
Emily, still smiling, rested her head against his shoulder as she walked. “Dear Jake. You took the blame for other things, too, didn’t you? Like the Indian-war-paint incident and riding the sled down the icehouse roof?”
“Now that one scared me.”
“And then there was the great wilderness adventure.”
Jake groaned. “I’d forgotten that one. We thought if we walked west for a couple days we’d be in the California goldfields. Never mind that we were about twenty years late.”
“I pictured great cornfields growing gold. That’s why I stole Christian’s knife, so I could cut it.”
“Telling Christian that you said you knew the way didn’t seem to keep me out of trouble.”
“Jake, you must have been twelve or thirteen. You should have known better.”
He turned toward her again, all but taking her in his arms. No, it was just her imagination. He was only resting his hands lightly on her shoulders. “That’s just it, Emily,” he said. “I did know better. I always knew better—or usually, anyway. But you could convince me of anything. Emily—”
She took a step away. “You promised not to get serious.”
He smiled then, more tender than teasing. “You’re right. Are you ready to go back?”
“Yes, I think so,” she said.
He was quiet all the way home. Emily found herself lost in memories of their shared childhood. There had always been a gentleness about Jake she hadn’t truly appreciated as a girl. She was lucky to have such a friend.
He took her to the kitchen door instead of the back door where the coats were hung. “It’s warmer in here,” he said. Once inside, he took her cloak and gloves and turned her over to his mother, who recommended a cup of hot tea.
Emily warmed herself near the kitchen stove while she waited for the water to boil. She found herself wishing Jake would hang up the coats and return to share the tea with her, but he didn’t. He must have gone back outside to resume whatever chores he had interrupted for their walk. It was difficult to explain her disappointment. Perhaps he distracted her, kept her from dwelling on her worries, kept her from missing Anson.
Dinner was a quiet affair. Christian made no more reference to Anson than Jake had. Trevor was still shy of Emily, though he let her hold him and feed him for a little while. Willa declared the noodles Martha had fixed her favorite and was so busy eating she was noticeably less talkative. Christian and Lynnette talked and teased each other, making Emily feel even more lonely.
Escaping before dessert, she sat on her bed and stared across the room without seeing it. This place, with its memories and its laughter conspired to confuse her. Things had been so much clearer in town. There she knew she loved Anson and he loved her. They were meant to be together. Her parents were the enemy, keeping her from happiness.
Here, so far from Anson, her love—and his—were less certain. Their chances of having a future like Christian and Lynnette seemed remote. Anson wasn’t much like Christian. But then, she wasn’t just like Lynnette, either. They would find their own way, their own life.
Somehow, even to herself, the argument seemed weak. She felt tears spring to her eyes and brushed them away. Tears, there always seemed to be tears! And often at the oddest times. Holding Trevor did it the fastest.
Things had to work out with Anson. What would become of her if they didn’t? She rested a hand on her belly and swallowed the lump in her throat. If Anson didn’t come for her, she would have to go away alone. She would be too ashamed to face her family and too afraid they might make her give the baby away.
She wished there was someone she could talk to, someone who wouldn’t condemn her. She had come close to confiding in Rose who had been her best friend for so long. But Rose was married to Arlen, and he was worse than her mother when it came to propriety. He would have her packed off to a maternity home and spread the lie that she was on some European tour. A sister with a bastard could hurt his political career.
Lynnette was her next choice. She would be understanding at least. And so would Christian, maybe. But what help could she really expect from them? They couldn’t tell her how to magically make the baby go away, how to magically undo the past.
You’ve made your bed and now you have to sleep in it, had a whole new meaning now. She felt another tear threaten and brushed at it angrily. She hated feeling sorry for herself! She had no patience for it in other people. She would survive. She would be a good mother to her child, with or without its father.
But, she told herself sternly, there wasn’t any danger of that. Anson would come for her. They would be married. When her family saw how happy they were, they would relent and welcome her back. She tried to picture her family gathered at Christmas, her parents, her brothers and their wives, Christian’s children, her own baby toddling around. It was easy.
But putting Anson in the picture proved difficult. She couldn’t imagine him sitting with her brothers and finding anything to say to them. She couldn’t imagine him helping with the decorations, singing carols, playing with the children.
She shook her head to dispel the thoughts. She was