across the developed globe. Cows have been around for a while, but more and more people want to eat them. And more eat burgers produced from cows in faraway fields. The UN report which coruscated cows as the enemy actually included emissions from ferrying meat across the world and the making of fertilizers used to raise crops to feed cows. Research in Japan puts it more neatly; suggesting that a kilogram of meat costs the earth 36 kilograms in global-warming gases. But other people, you joyfully observe, are also missing the point. When the Commons Environmental Audit Committee was conducting an inquiry into energy use and climate change, it asked to interview various transport companies yet omitted to request food-processing companies to appear. The bottom line is that, if the world went vegetarian, fewer cows would be bred and we would be left, bereft, with a dramatic loss of carbon emissions. But don’t panic, that’s never going to happen. That would require an ethical switch, and one of the most reassuring, inescapable factors behind any drive to hasten ecological meltdown is that most humans are not ethical. A lot of people, though, like to think they are, and these should be encouraged to eat organic cows. Research indicates that organic beef might be an even better means of destroying the planet because these cattle emit more methane. Of course, you and I also belch and fart, occasionally in open fields, but as yet no one is suggesting we should be killed for the sake of saving the planet. A good thing, really; you are more use alive than dead in the pursuit of planetary dysfunctionality.
You now have a scapegoat, or scapecow, extraordinaire. When things start getting heavy – and the finger of blame will no doubt hover near you at some point (you own this book, for goodness’ sake!) – bring up the bovine and keep laying the blame ‘til the cows come home.
WHAT’S THE DAMAGE?
* New figures show Europe’s emissions from transport increased dramatically during 2009. The following day, sections of the media report that such rises are dwarfed by hot air from ruminant livestock. Highly likely.
* A herd of cows in Derbyshire is found dead after grass is deliberately poisoned by environmental activists. Plausible.
* Eco-groups call for the human race to go vegetarian in order to save the planet. Figures released at the same time confirm that meat production has never been greater. Foreseeable.
* Following fresh concern over aviation emissions, O’Leary rants that environmentalists should be strung up and shot alongside every ‘f**king cow that ever f**king moved’. Imaginable.
* Flatulence tax on red meat voted for by European parliament in 2011. Tenable.
Likelihood of cow becoming principal climate-change scapegoat by 2015:47%
Polar bears show the way
AGENDA
* Melt the icecaps
* Wipe out the bear’s necessities
* Save the Inuits
* Re-carpet your house (or igloo)
Four white blobs drift past, bobbing along on the ice-pocked surface of the Beaufort Sea. Each of the scientists does a double-take. In sixteen years of monitoring the Arctic’s inimical waters, they have observed the creatures swimming on three hundred and fifty separate occasions. But this time something is very different. Polar bears are adept, powerful swimmers but these don’t seem to be making much of an effort. Perhaps they are exhausted and taking a rest. After all, they have to swim further these days because the rapidly melting sea ice means that stretches of open water are continually widening. But on closer inspection, it turns out these aren’t just having a breather. No, in actual fact they have breathed their last.
Bear-faced truths
The polar bear, the pesky poster child of the greenies, has blown the whistle on the once-secret melting of the Arctic, bullying the American government into accepting that climate change is for real after years of gutsy denial. And, as ever, there is no shortage of smug scientists queuing up with statistics to fuel the hysteria: a 40 per cent loss in sea-ice thickness in twenty years; Arctic glaciers shrinking by 17 per cent year on year; half the polar icecap having melted away over the last half-century; an area the size of Turkey recently cracking up and sliding into the sea.
More than any other creature on the planet, the polar bear has evolved into the iconic victim of climate change. The Arctic was designated as your private test-bed, an early-warning weather system where you could delight in observing tomorrow’s disastrous changes today; a place crucial for inducing dangerous rises in sea level and changes to oceanic currents. But its sanctity is threatened by these photogenic creatures, lolloping about in their yellowy-white coats. You are losing the public-relations war. It’s time to put a cap in the ass of this PR elixir for the environmental movement. It’s time to poleaxe the polar.
I’m on top of the world, Ma
Your living room looks cosy enough, but it’s missing something. What it needs is a large furry white rug, a voluptuous carpet with a polar bear’s head still attached. Book a flight to Yellowknife, in the frozen north of Canada, and begin packing. Once there, a connecting flight will take you to the small settlement of Resolute, in the northern territory of Nunavut, a vast wild Arctic wasteland governed by the indigenous Inuit people. Conveniently enough, Inuits are allowed to kill polar bears for subsistence but, more importantly, they hold the right to sell their tags to trophy hunters. Once in Resolute, state your intentions and name your price. You will pay what it takes, though research indicates that £12,500 should suffice. Set off on a dog-sled with a high-powered telescopic rifle and an Inuit tracker to locate your prey. Resolve to save your bullets for the nine-foot males, who can impregnate several females within each breeding season and are vital for the species’ breeding momentum. They are twice the size of a female bear; only an idiot could miss.
Your Inuit guide will be unswervingly supportive of your increasing predilection for dead polar bears. He likes your money. While travelling through the snowy wastes, you could discuss your mutual loathing of environmentalists, pouring scorn on the recent comments from Mary Simon, president of Inuit Tapiriit of Canada, who accused greenies’ attempts to protect the polar bear of being driven solely by ‘political reasons against the Bush administration over greenhouse-gas emissions’. Her statement that, ‘as Inuit, we fundamentally disagree with such tactics’ is preposterous. You intend to prove her wrong.
Having Nunavut
The Nunavut government calculates bear-hunting quotas solely on reports from locals, who claim that more polar bears are hanging out near their villages these days. Scientists believe this is because melting ice is driving them inland. So you decide to start paying Inuits £500 for every report of increased ‘scary’ polar bear activity near their family homes. Sources of income in Nunavut Territory are as scarce as trees and there is no doubt that locals will be happy to exaggerate polar bear sightings for cash. You might even consider fabricating a sighting of a polar bear attempting to attack a small child. On the strength of such reported sightings, the Nunavut authorities recently increased hunting quotas for polar bears by as much as 28 per cent. Although a former Nunavut environment minister denied such a link, his successors will be happy for the extra moolah. The government receives £25 for a non-resident hunting licence and another £400 for each polar bear trophy, plus 6 per cent tax. It all adds up. Already, a sizeable bear-trophy market exists among affluent American alpha-males. Once the rest of the world gets wind and quotas are increased to meet demand, you feel confident the polar bear will get its comeuppance.
Bearly there
At the time of writing, there are around 25,000 polar bears left in the world. The Nunavut government currently