I didn’t blame her. I was disgusted with myself. But I was facing up to this. I leaned forward, resting my elbows on the table. “I am sorry, and I told Jason the other night that it was all me. You weren’t unfaithful to him, you were just looking for someone to hold you and I took it too far…”
More tears rolled onto her cheeks as her gaze fell. She wiped them away as her eyes shut. But then they opened and her head came up, anger burned there, accusing me. “Why the hell did you tell him? It’s none of his business! Why did you talk about it?”
“I…” Because that was what I thought you’d want––for Jason to know the truth.
“You shouldn’t have said anything to him!”
She stood up, drank the last of her cocktail and thrust the empty glass down on the table, then turned away. “I’m going down to the beach.”
Shit.
I left my beer and headed inside to settle the check so I could follow.
Lindy
I sat on the dry sand, hugging my knees, looking out at the ocean. The sky was painted red by the setting sun.
Tears rolled down my cheeks. What was worse, that he thought doing it with me was like rape? Or that he’d actually told my ex that?
Humiliation swept through me like a rippling wave and nausea gripped at my belly.
Oh my God, Billy! I hate you right now!
Sand kicked up against my thigh.
He’d followed. He dropped down next to me, copying my posture, leaning forward and gripping his knees.
I wiped the tears off my cheeks.
His big arm came around me.
I turned into him and then both his arms were around me. This was where it had begun in the fall.
He’d held me, then I’d lifted my head and he’d kissed me. I hadn’t really kissed him back but I hadn’t stopped him. I’d felt so broken, I hadn’t cared, and he’d made me feel wanted. When I’d felt unwanted and lonely for weeks.
Frick, if I’d been lonely then, what about now? Jason hadn’t just moved away, he’d dumped me… He had left me alone.
“I’m sorry, Lind.”
No, I wasn’t alone. I had Billy… and Dad…
My counselor told me––when you think negative, change it to positive… There were hardly any positives…
I pulled free of Billy’s hold and turned, looking at the ocean and hugging my knees.
One of his hands fell to the sand. He picked some up, then let it run through his fingers, like an hour glass––a life glass––time just ran away.
His other arm settled on his bent-up knees.
He hadn’t raped me. I had let it happen and regretted it after, and never spoken about it with him. “It wasn’t rape, Billy.”
How did I tell a guy all the mixed-up shit I had in my head. I didn’t understand anything myself, so how could I expect anyone else to. Jason hadn’t.
Billy watched the last of the sand slip through his fingers, then he looked at me.
“I didn’t stop you, because I wanted it too…” At the time, it had been comforting, in a stupid way.
“But not with me, Lind, admit it. I was just a Jason-replacement.”
That part was true. “Is that what you told him?”
“Yeah, because I didn’t want him to keep thinking you’d betrayed him.”
Bitterness thrust a knife into my belly. “Or keep thinking you had, ‘cause you wanted to make up and get your best friend back…”
His Adam’s apple shifted as he took a breath. “I did betray him. I betrayed you both… But… Look… Just say you forgive me and we’ll move on from it.”
“I don’t need to forgive you. It happened. That’s all. At the time I needed it.” Despair crashed into me, like another sneaker wave hit us, ripping into me and trying to drag me out into the ocean.
Frigid. That’s what Jason’s new girlfriend had called me. She’d said he’d told her I was no better than sleeping with stone, and now Billy thought doing it with me was like rape.
My forehead dropped onto my knees as I let the wave of pain wash away, and the tears came again… I just wanted everything to be normal. I wanted to turn back time and make sure none of this had happened. But it was happening, and I couldn’t change it.
Think positive––I’d got to twenty-two and had years of happiness to remember and hold on to, and Dad and I could make loads more happy memories.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I lifted my head and looked at Billy. I couldn’t fix other things, but I could fix this…“Why did you think I didn’t want to?”
“Why?” The surprise in his voice was matched by his eyebrows lifting. He thought it was obvious.
He dropped his second handful of sand, rubbed his palms on his shorts, then rested his forearms on his bent knees. “You hardly moved.” A sigh left his lips. “I was going to stop, but I didn’t know which was worse, to stop and pretend it hadn’t gone too far or… Well…” He looked at me. “Sorry.”
My forehead dropped on to my knees, so I could hide. I was that bad.
The weight of his palm settled on my shoulder, then rubbed a little before tugging me against him.
I fell into him, sobbing, still hugging my knees, not holding him, but he held me. “Lindy. I really am sorry.”
“I’m shit,” I said against his shoulder. “I’m crap in bed.” I’d never felt comfortable with sex, probably because I’d never felt comfortable with myself. I didn’t like sex. It just made me aware of all the bits of my body I hated and didn’t want to think about. Sex had always been awkward.
A laugh rumbled in his chest.
I pulled away and smacked his shoulder. “It’s not funny.”
Jason had left me because of it. He was all over Rachel, touching and kissing her. I’d even seen them full-on kissing in the store.
He’d never kissed me like that. Our sex had been crap, and it had not been his fault because he didn’t seem to have a problem with Rachel.
It had been my fault and he’d been mean enough to tell his new girlfriend and she’d fucking cruelly told me.
Billy’s palm lifted, calling truce. “Okay, it’s not funny. It’s just the way you said it.”
Awesome. He’d gone from an apology to laughing at me, humor hovered in his eyes.
I pushed myself up and headed toward the ocean. The sun was a giant-red ball dipping its toes.
“Lindy! I didn’t mean to upset you!”
I slipped my sandals off, bent and picked them up, while he caught up with me.
“Honest, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to laugh.”
I looked at him, my eyes accusing. “You’re getting good at saying sorry, Billy.”
His lips twisted in a dismissing smirk, but his eyes questioned me.
I poked my tongue out at him then turned toward the ocean again. I could just