to be him – able to switch on and off at the drop of a hat. She can feel her heart still thrumming from earlier. She tries to still her whirring mind and fall asleep, but it’s no use. She listens to the tick-tock of the bedside clock, her limbs restless. She watches three rectangles of light strobe across the ceiling as a car drives past.
Maybe she’ll feel better when her PMT subsides. Then she’ll be able to rationalise everything. No. It’s guilt, warping into something even worse, says a voice.
‘Tom,’ she hisses. ‘Tom, wake up.’
‘Go back to sleep,’ he murmurs.
‘I never went to sleep in the first place.’
‘Shhh. You’ll wake the baby.’
She goes quiet for a few seconds.
‘Tom?’
A short jab in his ribs has the desired effect and he drags himself up onto his elbows.
‘What is it?’ He squints over to the small Ikea side table. ‘Three in the morning. Oh God, Thea’s due a feed soon anyway. What’s the matter?’
‘Liza. Jack. And,’ she nods over to the Moses basket. ‘I was just thinking.’ She stares at the shutters on their bay window, wondering when they’d last been cleaned.
‘Thinking what? He’s going to be OK. You know that. I spoke to Gav.’
‘No. I know but …’ She takes a breath. If Tom agrees just to this one thing, she knows, in her heart of hearts, that everything can be OK. Not in an OCD, everything-has to-be-in-threes kind of way. Just in a make-her-peace-with-what-she’s-done kind of way. She’ll show Liza just how sorry she is. She won’t say anything at all about what happened, but she is absolutely convinced that if she gives her life over to Liza, just for a little bit, then everything will be OK. She’ll have paid her dues for her wrongdoing. She wonders whether to wake Thea while they’re talking but decides not to. She wants Tom’s full attention and he’s always moaning that she can’t multitask.
‘OK. Well, I was thinking. Our downstairs flat. Well – we’re not using it. I know we were going to Airbnb it before we renovate, but how do you feel about Liza and Jack moving in? With Thea, of course. That way they’ll all be on one floor. Easy access. That kind of thing.’
She holds her breath. Tom’s kind. He’ll always do anything to help out. But before she’s allowed herself to exhale, he shakes his head.
‘No. No way. Not now.’ He throws back the covers with more force than is perhaps necessary and walks over to Thea. ‘I’m going to feed her now. Before she starts screaming. Then hopefully she’ll sleep till seven.’
Tom always has been a stickler for routine and she has to admit that, for Casper, it had worked a treat.
‘Look, I know you want to help. But this is not the way to do it. Besides.’ He lifts up Thea’s small body and places her gently over his shoulder. Sarah watches the paleness of his skin, reflecting against the moonlight.
‘Besides what?’
‘Besides. What about us? Our baby? I need you to focus fully on our situation, Sarah. We can’t put our lives on hold. No matter how awful Liza is feeling. There are other ways we can help. Jack is going to be OK. You know that, don’t you? You,’ he takes a breath, ‘we, we aren’t over what happened to us last year. Please don’t give your entire self over to Liza.’
She wants to tell him she owes it to Liza, in more ways than one. She wants to shout at him that he wasn’t even there when Rosie died, so how dare he try and tell her what Liza does or doesn’t need. But she is too exhausted.
‘How do you know? That Jack will be OK?’
‘Because I know. This bit will be tough for them. But you know what Liza’s like. She’s got it in hand.’
An image of Liza’s pram from earlier floods her mind’s eye. The piles of rubbish. The medicine boxes and the rotting apple cores. She isn’t so sure.
‘OK,’ says Tom with a sigh. ‘How about you move in with Liza for a couple of days? Stay with her just while Jack settles back in. I can take some time off work. Look after Casper. That way you can help out but we can still focus on us. On our baby, Sarah.’ He squeezes Thea tight. ‘You know how much this means to us.’
She opens her mouth. She’s about to tell him about the IVF clinic appointment next week, but something stops her.
‘OK, Sa? Is that OK? Good enough?’
‘Yes.’ She wraps her arms around herself and shivers into her T-shirt. ‘Yes, it’s fine.’
But in her head, of course, she’s thinking something totally different. No. It’s not good enough. It’s absolutely not good enough at all. She doesn’t want to move into Liza’s; with Gav giving them both the evil eye every time they open their mouths. She wants to be right here with Tom and Casper. And she wants to, she has to, do the best by her friend. There’ll be a way to get Tom to agree. And she’s damned if she isn’t going to find out what it is.
WhatsApp group: West London Primary Academy PTA Class Reps
Members: Ems, Liza, Aissatu, Sarah, Bella, Millie, Amina, Charlotte T, Charlotte G, Nabila, Charlotte M, Kalisha, Amelia, Shereen, Fizz, Becky D, Becky G, Isa, Marion, Mimi, Camilla
Liza: Hi all. I hope everyone is surviving half-term! I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I just wanted to let you all know that Jack has had a terrible accident and fractured his neck and broken his wrist. I’m doing the best I can but I’m trying to put everything into place now, before we leave the hospital, so that I can focus on him and him alone as he’s going to be flat on his back for a while. He’s doing ok (champion that he is) but it’s going to be a long recovery. And thankfully, I think he’s going to come out of this relatively unscathed (physically, at least.) So – I wanted to let you all know that I’ll be stepping down from my role as head of the Christmas fair this year. I know it’s not far away so I wanted to let you all know sooner rather than later so you can get things in place. I’ve started off with a bit of the sponsorship money – some leads but there’s a lot of work to be done. Need to raise 10k for all the stuff on the school enrichment fund. This is the most important thing so any leads at all please, please chase them up. This is a full-on task, so anyone that is interested needs to be aware of that. Thanks all.
Millie: Oh my god, Liza. That’s so dreadful. I’m so sorry. We’re all here to help.
Charlotte G: Oh, Liza. We are all so desperately sorry. Jack is such a spirited little boy that I know he will cope with this brilliantly. Do let us know how we can all help.
Liza: Thanks so much all. But please – use this thread just to sort out the Xmas fair, so I don’t have to worry about it! If you want to send any private messages to me or Jack please do.
Ems: Typing …
Charlotte G: I’ll do it!!! I’d love to
Mimi: ME!
Shereen: Yes. Liza, we are here for you if you need anything.
Charlotte T: I’d LOVE to do it.
Charlotte M: I can’t. Sorry! I’ve just got so much on with the little ones at the moment and work – I think it’d be silly to take it all on at once. Don’t you? I’ll help out of course in any way that I can though.
Bella: As you know, I’m not a SAHM so I just don’t think I can offer any more of my time. But like Charlotte M says – I’m happy to help.
Fizz: Just FYI I’m a *SAHM* and my time is limited too! I don’t think we should be talking in terms of time. It’s not helpful when we are all exceedingly busy with our children and everything else.
Sarah: Guys – let’s just focus on Liza here please and getting the fair sorted so she can concentrate on Jack.