taken on, although they had more air experience than a lot of the men at NASA (some of whom secretly did not have all of the requirements anyway). When Larus told me this I remembered how bitter I felt at the paragliding centre while two boys in my year got sent to Leicester Space Centre on ‘limited allocation’ work experience.
Maybe America sent a man to the moon to undermine Russia’s female cosmonaut Valentina Tereshkova. She was ten years younger than the youngest NASA astronaut and had spent more time in space than all Americans combined, orbiting the Earth forty-eight times. Man astronaut Neil Armstrong did not go for all of mankind and he certainly did not go for women. America only went to space in the first place to show that communism could not be more progressive than capitalism. Tereshkova worked in a textile factory before she became a cosmonaut. Her mother before her worked in the textile factory and her father was a tractor driver. What if Apollo had crashlanded? Would Russia rule the world now?
But Tereshkova was a human propaganda pawn: the Russian female programme was dissolved the year of the Apollo moon landing. Cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin’s official birthday was moved a day so that there were no records that he was really born on International Women’s Day; Russia could not have had him as a national hero if he were born on International Women’s Day. That would make him a sissy.
MANNED SPACE FLIGHT IS THE TROPHY WIFE OF THE SUPER-PHALLUS
INT. BEDROOM CABIN — Erin and Urla sit on opposite sides of the bed, facing each other — on her head Urla has a cone with wings coloured with felt-tip pens to look like a rocket — on its side it says NASA under a penis with flames coming out from beneath the testicles — they are talking into walkie-talkies —
Erin (Jerrie Cobb) (PUTTING ON AN AMERICAN ACCENT): Oh hey, NASA. It’s Jerrie Cobb from the Mercury 13. So I did everything you said I should
Urla (NASA) (BAD AMERICAN ACCENT. DEEP FOR MALE): Mm-hmm. What’s that?
— Erin bursts into laughter —
Urla (IN HER NORMAL VOICE/LAUGHING): Hey. What? Are you laughing at my accent?
Erin: Sshhhh
— Erin clears her throat and resumes her serious-American tone —
Erin (Jerrie Cobb): I did all the tests like all the guys did. And hey, it’s funny. I actually kinda blew them out the water
Urla (NASA) (ACCENT) (THEATRICALLY SUSPICIOUS): What tests?
Erin (Jerrie Cobb) (LAUGHING): You know. All the secret tests you make the guys do so they can go into space
Urla (NASA) (PAUSE): I don’t know what tests you’re talking about
Erin (Jerrie Cobb): I’ll remind you then. I put freezing water in my ears to see what it feels like with no balance. I spent days alone inside a box. I ran on a treadmill till I thought I might die. I drank radiation
Urla (NASA) (SCOLDING): How’d you find out about the secret tests? They’re secret
Erin (Jerrie Cobb): Er, well now. We have a scientist friend. He invited us to do them. He said you didn’t have your own programme for ladies so he made one to show you that you should have
Urla (NASA) (THEATRICALLY CONDESCENDING): And why’s that?
Erin (Jerrie Cobb): Because all his evidence suggests that it is way more logical to put a woman in space than a man
Urla (NASA) (GRINNING): There is no NASA-led evidence to prove this
Erin (Jerrie Cobb) (WHINING): Oh please, NASA. I promise I won’t let you down. I coped just as well in the physical tests. I’ve got a higher pain threshold. I beat all the guys in the psychological ones. I’m so small you’ll hardly even notice me, I swear. I won’t take as much food or oxygen. I could even go up there in a smaller shuttle. And all of my reproductive organs are inside of me so I’m less likely to have radioactive children
— the girls both laugh then recompose themselves —
Urla (NASA): That’s all very nice but we won’t be taking the female programme any further
Erin (Jerrie Cobb): But why? We worked so hard. Some of us lost our jobs or our husbands
— Urla/NASA waves her hands dismissively —
Urla (NASA): There are many reasons
Erin (Jerrie Cobb) (SMIRKING): Give me one good reason
Urla (NASA): Er. I’m, er. I am not authorised to divulge that information to third parties who are not associated with any official NASA programme
Erin (Jerrie Cobb) (LAUGHS/MOCK ANGER): Well, why the hell not?
Urla (NASA) (DRAWLING): Let it drop now. You’re like a dog with a bone. Do you have a husband? Think of how you’re making your husband feel. If not think about your daddy. You know your daddy wouldn’t want you up there
Erin (Jerrie Cobb): But gee. All the tests show I’d do just fine
Urla (NASA): The tests are not fully conclusive. You might well get up there and just faint or something. And what if you got to space and got yourself raped by an alien? Imagine if you were the courier for an extraterrestrial being back on our planet
— Urla straightens up and wags a finger on her free hand pointedly
— continues in her best pretend-self-righteous voice —
We will not continue the female programme because of the risks it would bring to the American public. My word is final
— at this Erin/Jerrie Cobb screams in frustration and throws her walkie-talkie into the duvet — Urla jumps and her rocket hat falls off — both the girls are laughing —
CUT
NOT THE WHITE BULL JUPITER SWIMMING
INT. CABIN — MORNING — Erin is sat on the bed with laptop — Urla has camcorder — zoom in — Erin’s face — zoom out — sudden noise from outside —
Larus (SHOUTING): GIRLS — GIRLS COME — SHI—
— Larus bursts into cabin, knocks into Urla with camera — Urla turns — camera focuses on Larus — excitement —
Larus (WHISPERING): Girls. Come quickly. Outside
Erin: What? What is it?
Larus: You’ll see. Come quickly. Quietly.
— girls follow Larus into corridor — Urla is in front with camera — Erin out of shot — out onto deck — Larus looks over deck — girls gather round — water slaps against side of boat — Greenland is faint on horizon — iceberg — no whales/dolphins —
Erin: What are we supposed to be looking at?
Larus: Shush. You’ll see
— the group stands silently for fourteen seconds —four metres away from the boat the water breaks — gush of air from blowhole — ridged back of sperm whale breaks surface — Urla shrieks —
Erin (YELLS): OHMYGOD—
Larus (SHOUTING): CHRIST. It’s nearer than before
— boat rocks —
Urla: Is it safe?
Larus: