to say is…,” and then we would write off-the-cuff for twenty minutes or so. We always had a choice regarding how much, if any, of our piece we read out loud. Roxanne’s gentle nature and absolute assurance there was no wrong way to write in her class quieted our inner critics. We could be vulnerable with our words. The class experienced joy and connection, with no fear of failure.
At the end of the intuitive writing class, Roxanne invited me to join a small private writing group that served as an extension of the intuitive class. She led the private group as well. I eagerly accepted the invitation.
I remember sitting around a kitchen table with my new writing group, feeling the intoxicating freedom of mutual vulnerability. We were all in various stages of learning and healing. We were looking for a place where we could remove our masks of false bravado. We were looking for acceptance and permission to make mistakes. In that place I wanted to share. I couldn’t stop myself from sharing what had been locked down forever.
I had moved from a world where mistakes were pointed out and “right” was better than “kind,” to a space where support was palpable and stories resonated. Head nodding abounded. My spirit soared. It was easy to dream and feel grateful in that space. I wanted to spread that feeling, that spaciousness—but felt stunted in my regular world.
DESPAIR: ANOTHER CHANNEL TO SELF-AWARENESS
My day-to-day family life required all of us to have our acts together. No slipping, no falling short, no showing weakness. We were McMansion-deep in the meritocracy. I don’t believe anyone in my house felt safe enough to be vulnerable. There was always someone watching and waiting to exploit our soft spots. Fear was in the ether of our home. We kept breathing it in and spewing it out. We couldn’t get it out of our pores. The need to achieve and keep pace with the families in our community and socioeconomic level kept us all running, burying our true selves in the pursuit.
As author Jonathon Fields says, “Self-awareness comes with an evil twin, self-judgment, which, for many, tips into fear, censorship and self-loathing with stunning efficiency.”
Even though I was thriving in personal endeavors, subconsciously and consciously, I felt inadequate as a wife and mother. I didn’t love my husband enough. I didn’t sacrifice for my kids enough. I wasn’t a doer naturally. Now that I knew I was an introvert, I was extra aware I wasn’t quick on my feet with answers, decisions, and action steps. I didn’t have an advanced degree. I didn’t have a job making money.
To make up for all of those inadequacies I tried to be my family and community’s version of perfect. I went against my introverted and sensitive nature. I emulated neighbors, friends and members of our community in order to receive validation.
I was so unhappy at home. I bled energy and authenticity there.
My husband would come home from work and sit in the car, dreading entering the house and dealing with the unhappiness inside. I tensed up the second I heard the garage door go up. That meant it was time to put on my competent and confident mask. Time to act like I did not spend a miserable day dealing with child meltdowns and tedious attempts to keep the house in perfect condition. Time to do my best to appear loving toward my husband, who felt like the kingpin to my misery—the reason I had to live in high gear. I did not want to fail in my duties.
The externally generated tension that pushed me to seek relief from the doctor in the form of an antidepressant now sat squarely in my chest, reminding me of all my responsibilities and where I fell short. As I struggled to sleep each night, tightness in my chest accompanied a flashing reel of responsibilities to be handled the next day.
I was now aware of my weaknesses as well as my joys, but the weaknesses dominated my everyday living, while the moments of true satisfaction only existed when I was free from my household.
CHARACTER OVER COMPETITION
In The Road to Character, author David Brooks says that all the people of great character in his book, including such notables as Dwight D. Eisenhower, George Marshall, and Viktor Frankl, had one pattern in common: “They all had to go down to go up. When they were in a crucible moment, they suddenly had a greater ability to see their own nature. They had to humble themselves in self-awareness if they had any hope of rising up transformed.” Brooks states that in the “valley of humility,” they learned to quiet the self and only in quieting the self could they see the world clearly.
While following the recipe spelled out in the language of the competitive meritocracy, we have little self-awareness. We are asleep. While experiencing moments of quiet in solitude and nurturing relationships, self-awareness arises. We begin to wake up.
As we open our eyes, self-judgment surfaces. We see or feel like we’ve missed out on something grand. We’ve assembled all of our external roles and rewards, but feel anxious. If we choose wrong, we could be cast out of our primary social circles for violating the norms. It’s not easy to know what to do when we’ve followed others for so long.
We’ve never developed the inner fortitude to be able to handle popular disapproval. As an introvert, it hurts when we wake up to realize we are not the personality type our culture admires. It stings to know this, and yet it is in this time of humility that we start our transformation. We build resiliency and self-respect.
While following the recipe for self-respect, we do not look to give ourselves a competitive edge over others. We look to be better than we used to be. We confront our weaknesses. We develop our eulogy virtues. We strive to be dependable in times of stress, and morally upstanding in times of temptation. Self-respect is earned by inner triumphs, not external ones. Inner triumphs feel like home to an introvert.
CHALLENGES OF WAKING UP
One challenge of waking up is escaping the lull of résumé virtues and other people’s recipes for life. We may seem independent, but our personal worth and integrity still reside in other’s value systems. We lack the vocabulary to describe and execute our inner desires and eulogy virtues. Résumé virtues are always going to be a part of our makeup. They push us to explore and build external success. The problem is that we fall asleep striving to achieve and compare ourselves to others. We don’t create strong inner realms that fortify us against disapproval. If we don’t consistently reflect and analyze our behavior and decisions, we are bound to make the same mistakes over and over, including (unsuccessfully) dating the same kind of people and (unhappily) working the same kind of job. Eventually, tension and anxiety tell some of us we are missing out on personal growth, significance, and meaning.
Tension, solitude, paying attention, and positive relationships wake us up.
Action steps for waking up:
1 1. Notice the places where you feel a tension or dissonance in your life. Do you tense up when a significant person in your life enters the room? Does Sunday night bring about a feeling of dread because you have to go to work the next morning? Are you tired of spending every Friday night at home watching TV? Does it sound intriguing to get out and meet a few more people?
2 2. Engage in and protect your solitude. See time alone as vital to your well-being, just like sleep or exercise. Explain to your children and partners that solitude is self-preservation for you, not rejection of them.
3 3. While in solitude or in a group, use a prompt such as “The last time I was really angry…” to start ten to twenty minutes of uncensored writing. Do not stop writing the whole time. Do not edit. Let the subconscious become conscious. Share with others if you feel comfortable.
4 4. Pay attention. At night as you lie in bed, picture a scene from the day and describe it in writing or in your head, including details from all five senses.
5 5. Notice where you feel energized or at home. Who, if anyone, is with you? List your relationships that feel most nurturing and nonjudgmental. Spend more time with them. Try new things with these safe people. People we love and admire positively influence our behavior and character.
Another challenge of waking up or self-awareness is the self-judgment that comes along with it. Once we are aware of our traits and flaws, we realize others are aware of them too. While in this “valley of humility,” our ego quiets.