In confronting our shortcomings, we build self-respect.
Action steps for ameliorating self-judgment:
1 1. Foster self-respect. Put yourself in a humbling situation like taking guitar lessons without any prior experience or skill. Let yourself make mistakes and survive.
2 2. On your day off, instead of watching Netflix all day, offer to help someone and come through for them.
3 3. Collaborate with someone you generally compete with at school or work.
Practice Two: Calming Our Nervous System Principles of Self-Care
The timing for writing this chapter on self-care was perfect. I was having one of those weeks where all of my energy flowed outward and very little flowed back toward me. My closest relationships required a lot of assistance and attention, but were unable to offer the same in return. I helped a friend move. Dealt with relationship challenges from my teenage son. Experienced no emotional intimacy with my significant other. Ran a million errands. Managed several house repairs. Slept poorly and managed to contract a rash on my face. Needless to say, my emotions ran high and my energy tank was running on empty.
I’d been in this low place before. Self-awareness and experience provided guidance.
I continually asked myself, “What would fill me up? What do I need to recover from this downward spiral?”
Here is the short list of answers:
• Positive emotional connection with others
• Time to myself
• Creativity, insight and meaningful work
• Exercise
• Sleep
APPLY SELF-AWARENESS
Before starting on the list, it is important to note that self-soothing requires knowing ourselves well, which is accomplished by using the self-awareness tools we discussed in the previous chapter:
• Notice where tension exists and where it doesn’t
• Pay attention and stay in the present
• Experiment within your most emotionally safe relationships to determine your skills and weaknesses
• Slow down and under-schedule yourself to hear your inner voice
It is vital to know our likes and dislikes and how-to re-center ourselves. By knowing ourselves, we take care of ourselves and have answers when others inquire or test our boundaries.
Once we have self-awareness, it is easier to administer self-care. In fact, as I wrote this chapter I noticed a lot of overlap between the subject matter in “Practice One: Waking Up” and this chapter on calming our nervous system with self-care. I found it difficult at times to decide which chapter to place certain information in. Solitude, for example, is mentioned under both practices. It seems that as we learn about ourselves we nurture ourselves, and vice versa.
POSITIVE EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION
Although our culture often undervalues emotions and overvalues intellect, emotions came first in our brain’s evolutionary development. According to neuroscientists, we felt emotions millions of years before we generated thoughts. So rather than being thinking creatures that feel, we are actually feeling creatures that think. Some emotions seem like something we should hide. If others see us as emotional, we feel weak or not as together. If we show our feelings, we appear out of control.
But emotions serve a purpose. They warn us of danger, by putting us on alert and making us pay attention with fight or flight responses. Our emotions are our body’s way of communicating with us. They talk to us and allow us to create deeper connections with ourselves by helping us see what truly matters. Emotions, if shared openly and validated, also help us connect with others and keep us from feeling alone.
If we internalize and suppress our feelings for too long, it can wreak havoc on our physical and mental health. Some common side effects of suppressed emotions are:
• Depression
• Low energy
• Eating, sleeping and learning problems
• Digestive issues, muscle tension, headaches or back pain
• Irritability
• Anxiety
• Feeling alone
• Wondering if we matter
• Shallow relationships
Leaving our emotions undifferentiated and unexpressed causes a downward spiral, like the one I was in when I started composing this chapter.
The first step to combating emotional decline is to name or put words to what we feel. Scientific evidence shows labeling emotions with specific words provides relief. A study done in 2007 by Dr. Matthew Lieberman, Director of Social Cognitive Neuroscience Laboratory at the University of California, Los Angeles, Dr. Naomi Eisenberger, Director of Social and Affective Neuroscience Laboratory at the University of California, Los Angeles, and their colleagues had participants look at pictures of people with emotional facial expressions. Using fMRI technology, the scientists were able to see the amygdala and other limbic sections of the brain light up with activity in reaction to the pictures. When asked to name the emotions seen, the activity in the amygdala diminished and activity in the prefrontal cortex increased. Labeling the emotions moved the reaction from the primitive and more alarm-setting region of the brain (amygdala, limbic system) to the more evolved, more decisive and in-control region (prefrontal cortex), thus leading to a calmer feeling.
When working with clients, I have an exercise I use to check in with them regarding their current emotional state. The tool is also helpful for them to use on their own, when they want to re-center themselves. The acronym I created for the exercise is N.A.A.P.T.T. and it stands for:
N: Name emotions
A: Accept emotions
A: Attribute emotions
P: Positive relational memory
T: Talk to others
T: Take action
I remember the acronym by thinking N, double A, P, double T or if read phonetically it sounds like napped. Naps provide relief.
N for naming emotions. This is a direct use of the Lieberman study results. Naming what we feel shifts how our brains process the emotions. Using specific words to articulate feelings alleviates stress. It causes us to feel more in control and therefore more at ease.
A for accepting emotions. As mentioned, many times we feel bad for having emotions. We think we should be composed and strong all the time. The truth is that emotions provide feedback, which is valuable to our decision-making. We need to listen to the feelings and allow them to guide us. Another good point to remember is that emotions pass. Like clouds in the sky or the daily weather, they move on after a time. Resisting them only gives them power over us, as shown in the list of results from suppressed feelings.
A for attributing emotions. This is the step where I ask clients what has changed recently and why they may be feeling this way. Have they experienced this feeling before and, if so, what was the cause at that time? Many of our feelings stem from past experiences, especially those encountered during childhood. Figuring out and stating the narrative from our past helps soothe old wounds. We’ll talk more about this in Practice Five.
P for positive relational memory or PRM. Psychiatrist and expert in relational psychopharmacology Amy Banks defines PRMs as a time you remember feeling safe and happy in another person’s presence. I advise clients to keep a mental or written list of these moments. I use photos on my phone or a list I created in a notes application to remind me of such times. Focusing on these memories