pillars of success on the outside, our teenagers were out of control, our jobs could end tomorrow, and our spouses, colleagues, and bosses were often untruthful, selfish, unfaithful, had died, or were just plain stupid.
Surviving and thriving meant taking what life offered up while searching for the opportunities, the joy, and the compassion in less-than-pleasant and always less-than-perfect circumstances. Together, we would navigate through some tricky times.
So, How's Your Life?
Our collective lives have been filled with more transitions than we thought possible. Transitions are an important part of the fabric of every woman's life. They affect us individually, but also have a ripple effect on our families. Transitions can build our characters and turn us into wise women, or they can leave us feeling depressed and alone. Successful transitions can make us strong—ready to extend a helpful hand to other women—or they can make us fearful of what lies ahead.
We offer this book as a road map of sorts for life's transitions. It contains the many lessons we've learned on how to ride the tidal waves of change that often engulf women. We've boiled those lessons down into sixty imperatives for surviving the vicissitudes of life and thriving despite them. Along the way, we have been honored to meet many magnificent and brave women whose stories of challenge, resilience, and triumph we include as examples of hope for all of us. This book is a literary kitchen table, where we invite you to pull up a chair and join us so you don't have to go through life alone. We hope this inspiring circle of women gives you hope, insight, and inspiration to deal with your own challenges and changes.
Education is not enough if it's not accompanied by action. With that in mind, each section in our book ends with suggested action plans and tools to help you implement them. We call this section the WIT Kit, and we hope you find these insights valuable. More important, we hope you'll be motivated to adapt them and apply them in your own lives, where they can produce real-world results.
We know you're busy. We know you're probably running from the minute you wake until bedtime. But we also know that taking time to follow up on the recommendations found in the WIT Kit can make the difference between merely surviving what life throws at you and thriving despite what life throws at you.
Some of the actions described in the WIT Kit take only a few minutes. Some involve more time and planning. All of them can help. If you feel as if life is dragging you down, these actions can help you keep your head above water. They can help you create a higher quality of life for yourself and your loved ones—now, not someday.
Deborah Collins Stephens
Michealene Cristini Risley
Jackie Speier
Jan Yanehiro
San Francisco, California, July 2018
FOREWORD
There are fifteen people in the world who have won an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony. Rita Moreno is one of them. Former President Barack Obama referred to Rita, the only Latina to win the awards, as a trailblazer with the courage to break through barriers and forge new paths. Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor said: “When I was younger, I idolized Rita Moreno. I still do.”
Rita is a role model for millennials and an icon of inspiration for all generations. Today, at eighty-six, with retirement not in her DNA, Rita has a hit television show—One Day at a Time—and even more awards: a Kennedy Center honor, honors from the ACLU and Ellis Island for her work in civil rights, along with cover stories in Time, Newsweek, Glamour, and the Today show. Her path to fame and success has not been an easy one, however. Rita has lived most every lesson in this book and come out the other side stronger, wiser, and more accomplished. Here, in her own words, is how she describes the journey.
Just Deal with It
When I first read This Is Not the Life I Ordered, I told the publisher that it was a must-read for all women and the men who love them. In the stories and lessons, I saw many parallels with my own life. When Jan asked me to write the Foreword, I immediately said yes. These four women epitomize how I and many women cope: We just deal with it. In my book, Rita Moreno—A Memoir, I begin with that advice: Just deal with it. I spent a good part of my life looking for an identity that was safe. I didn't want to be this “Latina girl.” I didn't want to be this “sexpot.”
I had no role models, so I chose one: Elizabeth Taylor. In retrospect, we all know that is simply not possible; it's not feasible. It doesn't work. What happens as a result is that you live a very muddled life with respect to identity. You lose something extremely valuable and important—self-respect. This struggle was very painful. I always tell women today to be themselves and let the chips fall where they may.
You Don't Die from Not Being Liked
I was always the darling, please-like-me kid. It's the immigrant syndrome; it comes from being Puerto Rican, from being on the outside. For me and for so many women, we are told in subtle and not so subtle ways: “Don't make waves; don't make noise.” My mother was very conscious of that. I was brought up trying to please the world. I wanted the world to like me. The greatest lesson I ever learned is that you don't die from not being liked. Yet there is always the little voice or dark presence that stays with you forever. She's the one who, still to this day, says things like: “Ha-ha, I told you that you couldn't do it.” In me, she still exists and I have a feeling that creature exists in a lot of women. They just don't think of her as an entity, but I do. I call this voice my Rosarita. I just send her to her room all the time. It's impossible to get rid of her, but I've learned not to let her run my life.
Perseverancia
I had won the Oscar and a Golden Globe for West Side Story. I fully believed that, after that, I was going to get a lot of work and that everything was going to be just rosy. The opposite happened. I couldn't get a job to save my life. I couldn't believe it. It just absolutely broke my heart. Today at eighty-six, I look back on those events as recompense for all the hard years in a profession that challenged my sense of dignity and self-worth at every turn. I am reminded that, in this third act of my life, the falling down and getting up is very much a part of the American Dream.
This Is Not the Life I Ordered is filled to the brim with stories of falling down and getting back up. What I say to my gente [people] is to hang on, and to remember who you are. Be proud of who you are, and keep talking. And keep complaining. And just don't ever—ever—give up. I call this not giving up perseverancia and it means perseverance. There is nothing more powerful than a woman who embodies perseverance. The lessons in this book and the women who wrote them exhibit perseverancia in all that they do. The wonderful thing about perseverancia is that it is open to all of us, no matter our background or socio-economic status.
My good friend, the brilliant author Amy Tan, said that This Is Not the Life I Ordered gives women the inspiration to survive the worst luck and circumstances and to climb into a new life with unexpected happiness. That is what I wish for every woman—the ability to survive and thrive.
Rita Moreno
CHAPTER ONE
MANAGING MISFORTUNE
If one woman sees another woman as successful, that woman will never fail, never feel alone.
FLORENCE SCOVEL SHINN, WRITER (1871–1940)
1
CONVENE A GATHERING OF KITCHEN-TABLE FRIENDS.