feels she has done her job by giving her mini-lecture. Maybe she even thinks her son is absorbing the lesson, thinking his mom is right and he should do better. What do you think? Will Ryan jump up and pleasantly put his backpack away? Let's rewind that scene and use the clear directions technique.
Mom trips on Ryan's backpack. She calms herself with some deep breaths and asks herself what her immediate goal is—what does she want Ryan to do right now? She reminds herself to start out by saying something nice, then walks over to Ryan and smiles: “Hey, Ryan! You're home right on time today! Good work!”
Ryan: “I'm trying.”
Mom: “I noticed that, and I appreciate it.” She takes another deep breath and remembers her simple formula: Name, do X now, please. “Ryan, put your backpack in your room now, please.” Then she calmly stands and silently holds.
Ryan: “I'll do it in a minute, Mom.”
Mom silently waits ten seconds, then says: “Ryan, put your backpack in your room now, please.” She continues standing, with same positive expression.
Ryan: “But Mooooommmmmmmmmmmmmm . . . Why are you standing there?”
Mom silently continues standing with a pleasant, but firm, expression.
Ryan sighs and gets up: “Oh, okay.” He takes the backpack to his room.
Mom: “Thanks honey. You're a good guy.”
• • •
The stand-and-hold element in giving clear directions can be difficult, but as we mentioned above, it has an astonishing effect. Notice that Ryan asked why his mom was continuing to stand there. Think of that as a rhetorical question—no answer is required. For most parents, this step takes the most practice. Many children grow uncomfortable when their parents stand in their space quietly waiting for them to comply. When they ask why you're standing there, the best response is no response. Simply continue to stand, silently counting out the ten seconds of your hold. When you reach ten, repeat the direction calmly and pleasantly. Whatever you do, don't be drawn into a discussion, argument, or explanation. Hold your silent ground. Whether or not you maintain eye contact depends on you and your child and the situation. Sometimes eye contact is the right thing to do. At other times it may be the worst thing to do. If stand and hold is challenging for you, practice with your partner or a friend.
Sarcasm
When you're irritated, it's extremely difficult to give a clear direction. And when you add sarcasm to the mix, you can safely expect an in-kind return—like a fast game of Ping-Pong.
Dad stands over the shoes in the middle of the floor, his arms folded across his chest, a scowl on his face. In an ironic tone, he says: “There they are. As usual.”
Ali: “What?”
Dad: “What do you think?”
Ali: “How should I know?”
Dad: “It's your shoes! Your dirty shoes!”
Ali: “Oh, yeah. That's them alright.”
Dad: “Get them out of there.”
Ali: “And where shall I put them?”
Dad: “You put them away right now or you can just imagine where I'll put them!”
• • •
Take a look at the elements of giving clear directions and help this dad out.
Questions
Phrasing directions as questions weakens their power and suggests children can choose whether or not to comply. Directions given as statements do not imply choice; they make it clear that you expect your child to do something very specific, and to do it now. Some parents explain that they are trying to soften the effect of a firm, clear directive. But you can be pleasant and respectful without framing your direction as a question. Furthermore, questions sometimes invite irritating responses. Notice how ineffective it is when Dad asks Ali questions rather than making clear statements in these exchanges.
Dad: “How'd you like to pick up your shoes?”
Ali: “Not especially.”
Or
Dad: “Where do your shoes belong?”
Ali: “In the closet.”
Dad: “Well . . .”
Or
Dad: “How many times do I have to tell you to pick up your shoes?”
Ali: “Oh, maybe five or six.”
Or
Dad: “Can you pick up your shoes?”
Ali: “No, I can't. I'm busy right now.”
Directions are clear and simple statements, not questions.
Body Language
Your nonverbal behavior enables you to soften the fact that you are requiring your child to do something now. Tone of voice, facial expression, and body posture all come together to communicate your intention that the child follow your direction, now. See what happens when Dad speaks calmly and stands and holds.
Dad: “Ali, put your shoes in the closet now, please.”
Ali: “Aw, Dad. I'm busy.”
Dad, in the same pleasant tone, standing and holding: “Ali, put your shoes in the closet now, please.”
A Time for Everything
We've been talking about ways to encourage compliance with your directions: get close, make contact, and be pleasant. Now let's talk about when you give directions. Even though we know it's not best to give directions in the midst of a TV action sequence or while children are playing a game, we do it anyway. Of course, sometimes we have to interrupt. But it helps to promote a cooperative spirit when you take a strategic approach and wait for a time that has a better chance of catching your child's attention. Take a look at the following list and check the times you think are good for giving your child a direction. Would your child agree with you?
During an argument
When you and your child are in good mood
When your child is in a hurry
When you are in a hurry
When your child's friends are present
When your mother-in-law is visiting
In the midst of a tantrum
When things are calm
When you are motivated to follow the technique for clear directions
The goal is to engage your children