with something easier than their number one problem and come back to this after they've had some practice. Our studies show that parents are more successful when they start with something the children already do well, at least sometimes, and then work to make it better.
Daniella and Cesar decided to have the kids practice working as a team doing something that didn't involve limited resources (like one bathroom, limited time, and three kids). They remembered that they do a pretty good job with the dinner dishes. Ava takes the lead at the sink, rinsing the dishes and putting them in the dishwasher. Benito clears the table and wipes off the counters. Miguel puts the pots and pans away. This routine has worked well since the parents made TV and screen time contingent on finishing the dishes.
• • •
What would the steps be in your household? As a parent, envision what you want to happen and turn that vision into action. First, sharpen your focus on your long-term goal. Can you see it clearly? What are some specific qualities or characteristics you can see? Remember, a goal is something a stranger can understand without further details. For example, if you tell your twelve-year-old daughter to “be more helpful around the house,” she may be within her rights to respond: “What does that mean? I already do a lot.” Try stating the goal like this: “I'd like you to help me with the dishes after supper.” This is a clear statement of what you want. Your daughter may still have questions, but your idea of the help you want around the house is quite specific. And you can sharpen that statement even more by saying you want her to clear the table, wipe down the counters, and sweep the floor.
The key is to find your own answers using strategies that work for you. Tailor the strategies we introduce here to fit your family's strengths, values, and dreams.
Recap
Imagining the family of your dreams means clarifying what you want in the long term and in day-to-day behaviors. You will be most successful if you build on strengths already present in your family—your own and those of your children. When we think about change, we often focus on problems, but stating a problem does not tell us what to do. Use clear and specific goal statements to turn problems into action plans.
Practice Assignment
Identify three personal strengths you have as a parent and one or two things that interfere with your parenting.
Identify one or two strengths for each one of your children.
Write down one long-term and two short-term goals that you hope to achieve.
Chapter Two
Follow My Directions
Now that you have identified family strengths and set some simple goals for family change, let's make a plan to achieve them. Guess what? It starts with compliance. When your children follow directions, they can accomplish a wide variety of goals that become increasingly complex in the months and years to come—doing well in school, showing compassion toward others, and even making the world a better place. Following directions and cooperation are inextricably linked. Parents teach their children to follow directions by providing a strong lead or example.
Cooperation is a cornerstone for learning the skills required to get along in today's world. It emerges as we teach our children prosocial behaviors like following directions, self-care, helping others, and sharing. Ideally, we begin teaching these social skills as soon as children begin developing language and are able to understand our words. Parents need a great deal of patience to shape a cooperative spirit in their children. And that starts with teaching them to follow simple directions like: Come to the table for lunch now, please. Children who learn to follow directions at home are more likely to cooperate with adults and children wherever they go. Most three-year-olds are well on their way to following directions and becoming cooperative.
Isabelle has a robust vocabulary and an insatiable curiosity. She is also strong-willed. Soon after she turned three, she started asking “why” whenever her parents, Kayla and Rick, told her to do something. At first, she wasn't being contrary; she just wanted an explanation. Her questioning elicited repressed chuckles from her parents, a response not lost on the child. Soon she was asking “why” in response to everything her parents asked her to do. Her favorite response became: “No. Why?”
At the same time, Isabelle was teaching her parents to give in with threats of a tantrum. When they said “no,” she responded with complaints that quickly escalated into full-scale fits. Recently, she started screaming in the checkout line after her father said “no” to her demand for a candy bar. Surprised and embarrassed, Rick quickly caved in to stop the pain. Isabelle's precocious behavior did not seem as cute anymore. Her parents realized that they needed to start teaching Isabelle to accept “no” and follow directions. The Terrible Twos (and Threes!) were upon them.
Kayla reached her limit one day while making lunch for Isabelle. She called out from the kitchen: “Izzy! It's time for lunch!”
Isabelle heard her mom from the living room where she was sitting on the couch with an iPad in her lap playing her favorite game. She pretended not to hear as she bounced a figure from one red flower to the next.
Kayla finished slicing an apple and arranged the pieces into a smiley face on Isabelle's plate: “Izzy, come on! It's time for lunch!”
Isabelle kept playing. Kayla slammed the plate on the kitchen table and marched into the living room feeling exasperated. Every day, it was same nonsense. Kayla stood over Isabelle and hissed: “Isabelle, I said, it's time for lunch. Get into the kitchen right now!”
“No. Why?”
“Because I said so!”
“Because is not a reason,” Isabelle said matter-of-factly.
Kayla finally lost it and grabbed the iPad. Isabelle began crying. Fuming, Kayla pronounced: “No more iPad!”
Isabelle cried harder.
What every parent wants (some desperately) is compliance. Kayla simply wanted her daughter to come to lunch. The response she got was noncompliance. Parents' most common complaints have to do with their children's noncompliance. They describe the problem in different ways: their children don't listen; they do as they please; they act stubborn; they don't obey; or they simply say “no.” Parents tell us that their children employ a wide array of strategies to avoid compliance. Some argue; some refuse outright; some do what you ask, but with an attitude; some tell you they will do it, but later; and some ignore you. It can really get under your skin, and then you lose control. A certain amount of noncompliance, however, is normal. Remember the study of children from different cultures cited in the Introduction: well-socialized preschoolers comply about 70 percent of the time. As they mature to school age, the compliance rate improves to about 80 percent.
When children disobey and we react in anger or frustration, we set the stage for a battle of wills and that demon coercion rears its ugly head. Young children can be quick to escalate that battle with a temper tantrum. Older children may draw you into an argument or even a shouting match. However the scene plays out, the problem starts when the parent makes a reasonable request that is met with “No.” Just as cooperation is the foundation for positive social behaviors, noncompliance is the cornerstone for more serious behavior problems when it becomes a common pattern that carries over to school, friends' homes, and community settings.
Clear Directions
Parents have different ways to get their children to comply. Many involve coercion, which essentially involves the use of psychological and even physical force