opened his eyes and smiled at me. He picked up the remote and switched the television off. “You mind? I’m going to take a nap.”
“Sure. Yeah.” I got up, my cheeks flaming with embarrassment. What have I done?
I shut the door behind me and walked back into the parking lot.
What have I done?
Somehow, I managed to get to my car and drive home.
And no matter how much I brushed my teeth, I could still taste his cock.
Chapter 4
I skipped class the next day.
I didn’t want to face Blair, or any of the other students. I felt like there was a gigantic sign on my forehead flashing in red neon to everyone COCKSUCKER! COCKSUCKER! COCKSUCKER! I told my mother I didn’t feel good and just went to my room and shut the door. She checked in on me a few times—once to tell me Blair was on the phone—and I just said I don’t want to talk to anyone, and after that she left me alone. I’d turned my cell phone off, and just lay in bed staring at the ceiling.
Now you’ve done it. You’re a homo for sure.
There’s no turning back now.
I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, now that I’d actually done it. There was always that part in the back of my mind which always insisted it was just a phase; as long as I never acted on it I’d be okay. All I needed to do was fuck a girl and I’d snap out of it. But that didn’t keep me from longing for boys—Kevin, then Blair—and now I’d actually done it—something—with another guy, it was with a guy I barely knew, someone I certainly wasn’t in love with, so what did that make me?
Not only a queer, but a slut.
I couldn’t face anyone. All I wanted to do was stay in my room for the rest of my life and hide from the rest of the world. I woke up in the middle of the night and left a message on Blair’s cell phone, telling him I wasn’t coming to class (ever again) so he wouldn’t show up in the morning. When my mom came to wake me up, I told her I still didn’t feel so hot and I wasn’t going. She shut the door and went away.
At noon, my door opened again.
“I’m not hungry,” I said without looking.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Blair walked in and sat down on the edge of the bed.
“Nothing. Go away.”
“Jesus fucking Christ on the cross, Jeff, I’m the drama major, remember? You’re the writer.” He lit a cigarette. My mother didn’t allow anyone else to smoke in the house. “Now, tell me what the hell is going on. You’re supposed to meet me at the house yesterday; I get there and there was no sign of you. You don’t answer your phone. Your mother tells me you’re not well. This morning I get this pathetic voicemail that you’re not coming to class. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“So you sucked Rory Armagh’s cock? It’s not the end of the world.”
I sat up in bed. “Did he tell you that?”
Blair laughed. “He didn’t have to.” He put an arm around me. “And he isn’t going to tell anyone else, either, if that’s what you’re so afraid of. The last thing in the world Rory Armagh is going to do is let anyone know another guy sucked him off. You can put that in the bank and collect interest on it, okay?”
“How—how did you know?”
“You think I haven’t sucked Rory off?” He started laughing. “Don’t you remember what I told you that first day at the house? Straight boys don’t care who gets them off when they’re fucked up, remember? And alcohol, or pot, or coke, or whatever, is a perfect excuse for them.” He rolled his eyes. “‘Oh, man I was so fucked up last night, I think I let some guy suck my dick’ or ‘Oh man was I drunk last night, I think I fucked some guy up the ass’. Whatever. The truth is Rory would let a dog suck his dick if he was horny. And by dog, I don’t mean an ugly girl. I mean a dog. A cocker spaniel. A Great Dane. Get the picture?”
“I—I guess.”
“Look.” He dropped the cigarette into an empty Coke can on my nightstand, and grabbed me by the shoulders. “You’re my friend, okay? I don’t know if you’re gay, straight, whatever you are—that doesn’t matter. What matters to me is you’re cool, and a nice guy, and a lot of fun to hang out with, okay? I want you to join Beta Kappa because I think you’ll have a good time there. The guys are pretty cool for the most part, and we have the best parties. Just because you sucked Rory Armagh’s dick when you were wasted one night doesn’t mean anything, you got that? All it means was you were curious about it…and sexual curiosity is not a bad thing or a big deal.”
“I don’t like girls, Blair,” I said in a small voice. I couldn’t look at him as I said it; I’d never said it out loud before.
He lit another cigarette. “Yeah? So what?”
“I think I might be gay.” I said the words, and let out a big sigh of relief. I’d been fighting it for so long, denying it for as long as I could remember. So what if it meant I couldn’t join Beta Kappa? So what if it meant losing Blair as a friend?
But he kissed you, he sat on top of you and rubbed on you…
“Like I said, Jeff, so fucking what?” He laughed again. “I grew up around the film industry, for God’s sake. You have any idea how many gays and lesbians I know? Hell, my mom is bisexual—she has a girlfriend right now over in London! You need to get past this idea that it’s a bad thing to be gay, honey. It’s not.” He took my hand. “Look at me.” I met his eyes. “I am sure growing up in Kansas—and your parents are nice enough people, but they don’t seem to be the most open-minded people in the world, no offense—was pretty hard on you. I can’t even imagine it. But being gay is not a sin or wrong or whatever you think it is, my friend. It’s just who you are. Do you really, deep down, think you’re a bad person?”
“No,” I said slowly. “No, I don’t.”
“Because you aren’t, you big dope. You’re still Jeff. That hasn’t changed at all. You understand? You are still Jeff to me, and you’re still Jeff to everyone—and anyone who wants to not like you or think there’s something wrong with you—well, that’s their problem, not yours. Am I making sense here?” He puffed on the cigarette. “Am I?”
“Some.” I did feel relieved that Blair didn’t turn on me—but then again, that night in his room, he had been the one to initiate things between us, even though he’d also been the one to stop. “Blair, are you gay?”
He shook his head. “You are something else, you know that, Kansas boy?” He leaned over and kissed my cheek. “Yes, yes, I am gay. I don’t like girls either.” He shuddered. “Blech. Those big old boobs? Them big old hips? And don’t even get me started on vaginas.” He grinned at me. “Nope, I’m a big old fairy.”
“Then why”—I hesitated, then plunged forward—“why didn’t you want to be with me that time? I mean…” my voice trailed off.
“Oh, you big dope.” He started laughing again. “Don’t tell me—oh, this is priceless.” He leaned over and brushed my cheek with his lips. “Jeff, I am very attracted to you. Are you kidding me? Have you looked in a fucking mirror lately? Let’s see, hmmm. Okay. You’re about what, six two? Blond, blue-eyed, and tan. You have an amazing body, and you have this seductively innocent look about you…porn directors would drool over you. You could be an escort and pay your way through school—if you only knew what you were doing.”
“Then why didn’t you want me?” I couldn’t help myself, I knew I was pouting like a little kid.
“Oh, God in heaven.” He threw his arms up in the air. “Jeff.” He took my face in both hands. “You’re the kind of guy I could