form only a very small part of the whole.
The young people’s names have been altered so as to protect their identities. Places and names are omitted to avoid any possibility of identification.
Scott
Scott was 13 years old at the time he shared his story. The domestic violence went on for a long time, several years in Scott’s life. He had protected his younger brothers and sisters by taking them out of the danger. Sometimes, he was prompted to intervene, but feelings of fear would sometimes prevent him. He had seen his mother hurt. He had felt that he knew when the violent episodes were going to happen, and this had been ‘weird’. He had thought when he was younger that domestic violence was acceptable, and he had been abusive to his mother. His awakening to the error of his thinking came suddenly when the police were called to his home because of his violent behaviour. He was put in a police cell for a time and had decided to change his behaviour; this had been successfully achieved as he had been told by more than one support worker that he had really improved.
He had learnt to value his experiences, and wanted to use them to help others. He had gained knowledge of how to support other people from one teacher in particular, and he had found that he was good at emulating what he had received, and making a difference to people around him. He had been instrumental in helping young people with problems using the methods employed by those who had supported him. He viewed these skills as something he would take into the future by becoming a support worker. At present he is happy at home; the perpetrator has been gone for some time. School is improving as he supports his friends, although he admits he finds the work at school to be problematic and difficult still. He has found strategies which have helped him deal with his feelings. He has used drawing and time-out to express and dispel powerful emotions. He feels more in control, and is enjoying family life. One aspect has been to go to church with his family and he believes in personal prayer.
Coral
Coral was 14 years old when she shared her story. Coral played a crucial part in her family’s life. It was clear that her opinion was in the end a significant factor which made a huge difference to the way her mother saw their situation. Coral describes how her family had stayed together because her mother felt that staying together was the best option for the children. Despite things getting so bad that her mother had left the father, taking the children, more than once, and had gone into a refuge at least once but then had returned, Coral considered her role in the final decision to leave and not go back as being central to her mother’s decision. There is a strong feeling that Coral’s opinion was so important to her mother, that her voicing of her belief that her mother should leave for good was a turning point in the family. This resulted in action which was never gone back on. It is a very strong element which is reflected throughout her story. Her relationship with her mother possessed a closeness which appears to go beyond the boundaries of a mother/daughter relationship.
Coral’s independence of people outside her mother and brothers is also a strong element, and there seems to be a lack of need, or a profession to the effect, for anyone else to be involved in her life while the family was going through very difficult experiences. Coral had tried to support her younger brothers and her mother, but had recognised that her involvement in the domestic violence had made things worse for her mother. Again this was a deciding factor in what she had decided to do. The details of her life are not dwelled upon, except in one or two exceptional instances.
Generally, Coral responds to her experiences in ways which demonstrate her maturity in emotional and psychological terms. She reflects upon her witnessing the domestic violence in calm and matter-of-fact ways without dwelling on any particular experiences; this appears to highlight her acceptance and acknowledgement of negative experiences in the light of her concern for her mother. Her own wishes appear to come about through the strength she has accumulated as she responded in vigilant and caring ways to her younger brothers and to her mother. She is able to state and act upon what she thinks is right, and accepts the consequences of her actions without complaint or regret. She is satisfied with her life with her family as it has become, and although there is no reference to her step-father, it is clear from her expressions of acceptance that she is apparently content with what has come about.
Terry
Terry was 13 years old at the time of his retelling his story. Terry has a troubled story which centres on his witnessing of his mother’s suffering caused by appalling domestic violence. His story is not sequential, in that there seems to be a lack of continuity as far as events are concerned, but the images he creates, for example of him trying to push his father off his mother, his description of the domestic violence perpetrated against his sister’s boyfriend and his father’s behaviour in various settings are all vividly explained and described, creating powerful impressions.
Terry has remained close to his mother throughout the changes that have taken place. His loyalty is to her and to his family who are sympathetic to her and to her experiences. He is absolutely clear in his mind about what it was that brought about the violence against his mother and himself, and has no doubt that in some measure the controlling purpose of the violence has continued beyond his parents’ separation. His emotional state is underpinned by a strong sense of injustice, which he sees as permeating and dominating the experiences of his family since the break-up. Despite the improvement in his mother’s health which he has observed, in that the awful physical and mental abuse has ceased and she is no longer crying continuously, and is no longer suffering physical harm, he is aware that there are forces beyond her control which oppose her, and which anger and bewilder him. A very important aspect for him is that a degree of sympathy is shown to his father, which he sees as undeserving. He cannot conceal his contempt for those who make judgements which he sees as unfair and unsupported by the reality of their lives.
The relationships which he prizes are based upon the recognition of his feelings, and which demonstrate a strong empathic understanding of his position. His sister’s boyfriend, his sister and his mother are all embraced by Terry’s view that there has to be support present to enable the relationships to flourish. This support can override all kinds of other issues which might have prejudiced the relationship, for example the fact that his sister’s boyfriend was ‘coloured’. This was an issue for Terry, which he acknowledged, but which was dismissed because of the emotional support which his sister’s boyfriend gave to him.
Terry is troubled by the lack of understanding demonstrated beyond his intimate circle, and this is probably the reason for his remaining very much at home. This decision has brought him to recognise the importance of learning how to cope with his strong emotional feelings and the difficulties around his brother’s behaviour at home. He is aware that he can control his feelings through avoidance and through withdrawal. He has also learnt that self-expression through physical activities such as wrestling and boxing have been beneficial. Despite being troubled by the unfairness of the world, he has created a life at home which is centred on coping with forces which enter his home over which he feels he has some control.
His independent action has moved on from a desire to physically protect his mother, which was the result of a strong attachment to her and a profound fear of what was going to happen to her, to a desire to protect her from the unfairness of a wider society, which he recognises and believes to be true as he observes his mother suffering from unjust treatment. This wider society includes solicitors, neighbours, a brother and church members, who all receive some form of his condemnation. His lack of trust finds expression in his staying at home and his keeping his friends in the setting of school. His disdain for those who discredit his family is whole-hearted.
Terry’s emotional bond with his father is broken by his refusal to call him dad any longer. His ‘divorce’ from his father is something he wants deeply, and is reflected in several mentions of the legal divorce between his mother and father. His severance can only be emotional because contact arrangements are regularly kept; however, this emotional disassociation is crucial to Terry, because it echoes his loyalty to his mother and to the family which supports her. Despite having to spend time with his father, which he says is ok, he is able to hold on to the knowledge that there can be no emotional bonding or closeness because of his father’s abusive behaviour. This indicates that Terry has found a degree of autonomy which has developed through his understanding of the