abuse and violence.
Karl
Karl was 12 years old when he shared his story. Karl’s story contains a prevailing sense of loss which touches every part of his life. There is a strong desire for him to find ways of overcoming the losses of his life and he talks about them openly. Having been fearful of his father finding out where they live, he has accepted that there is a real danger of this happening through his father’s friends or his brother. He is also fully aware that he had revealed too much to his father during a phone call, and that the repercussions of this were very difficult and caused considerable anxiety. His worries around his father were dealt with by his attempting to put his father completely out of his mind. This was reinforced by a new step-father, who had played an important part in making it easier for the absent father to be forgotten. With a new father figure who provides the family with treats and fun experiences, the loss of his father is softened.
Karl had a deep affection for his dog, and talked in detail about him, and how the dog came to be given away. The sense of injustice is strong, and reveals how Karl views his father’s part in adverse and painful experiences. The list of losses is long, but he does not directly blame his father for the loss of his home and garden. However, an impression is drawn and actually expressed of a callous father who does not care about Karl.
The disruption to Karl’s life seems all the more unfair and unreasonable when considered against the backdrop of his not having heard or seen any domestic violence. There are issues around the truth of this which will be discussed later on; at this time, his denial of actually witnessing domestic violence is accepted, as is his belief that his father’s lack of involvement and idleness around the family was the main reason for the break-up.
Arguments between his mother and father are only very briefly mentioned in the form of an afterthought which almost disappears at the end of his description of life at home with his dad. The fear he feels in relation to his dad seems to have developed through his being aware of his mother’s fear, and this indicates a closeness which he does not really express explicitly. He did not really notice a change in his mother after they left except that she was taking more care over her appearance. He talks little about his relationship with his mother, which seems to reflect an increasing lack of concern about her, and a relaxing of the anxiety which had prevailed before going into the refuge. He appears to be content with his life as it has become and talks with pride and confidence that he will have attended four different schools since leaving the family home.
Karl comes across as a sociable person, who seeks out company as a way of dealing with anxiety. He talks about various people in numbers, two or three, as being friends of his mother, and describes his joining in with games and activities with the other children in the refuge. His friend from the refuge, who has remained a friend since his leaving, has a special place as he has been able to stay at his home and he clearly enjoyed his time with him. His relationships within the family are more problematic, particularly his dealings with his older sister. It seems that there has been some tension around their relationship which he sees as having developed during the time when his father was being difficult. When they lived with their father, he could not get on with his sister, and he was quite vague about the reason for this. The problems around the relationship had been carried through to their new life, and there is the feeling that this has been completely accepted by Karl as being something that will probably not change. His concerns are more focused on his younger brother. He is worried about him in that he feels their father would win him over with his gift-buying tactics and then be able to control him so that he would inadvertently divulge where the family was living. This desire to keep their whereabouts secret is a crucial element in Karl’s story, and much of his thinking and feelings are a direct result of this desire.
Rose
Rose was 15 years old at the time of her telling her story. She tells her story chronologically, with events of devastating impact swiftly following one after another. It is evident that she has experienced many traumatic changes in her life, particularly in relation to her home, and the almost nomadic existence that she describes is sequentially made sense of through her ability to remember and describe an uninterrupted flow of events. She demonstrates a masterful chronological memory for times, places and events. Her evident grasp of the consequences which proceeded out of the behaviour of the close adults in her life, namely her mum and her step-dad, shows a clear understanding of the reasons for the appalling situation she found herself in. Her enormous pain is described without hesitation. Her guilt around her unkind treatment of her younger sister is stated without reservation. Her story contains a free expression of emotions of every kind, including a remarkable sensitivity to the plight of others.
Alcohol is described by her as being a dreadful component in her life. The whole family had been adversely affected by it to such a degree that it threatened to divide her from her mum, and it seems that alcohol abuse almost succeeded in separating them permanently. This division Rose sees as being both physical and emotional. Alcohol abuse had had a devastatingly negative effect on the behaviour and wellbeing of all the family members. The domestic violence was seen by Rose as also contributing to her severance from her mum, causing a breakdown of affection and attachment. She viewed the consequences as being attributable to the combination of domestic violence and alcohol abuse which led firstly to the disintegration and ultimately to the erosion of her mum’s ability to mother her and care for her.
The horrors of her life continued even after the break-up of her mum’s marriage to her step-dad. He continued to try and exert control by stalking the family, and it was necessary to start a new life leaving all their possessions behind except for a couple of suitcases. It was essential to leave no trail that could be followed. Their only chance as a family lay in total secrecy in relation to their new whereabouts. This did occur but Rose’s troubles did not end as her mum suffered from loneliness and depression once their new life had begun. Rose, who clearly loves her mum, noted that her mum continued to be very unhappy, and that life was grim. Events did take a fortunate turn, however, when her mum decided to get help for herself and for Rose and her sister, as she began to recognise the damage which had been caused to her daughters by their harmful experiences of alcohol abuse and domestic violence.
The support worker who became involved at this stage played a crucial part in rehabilitating the family, specifically working with Rose and her mum individually, strengthening each of them, and assisting them in overcoming the negative effects of the past; these included addiction to alcohol, depression, self-harming, guilt, low self-esteem, loss of attachment and dysfunctional relationships, and which specifically focused on the causes and aftermath of domestic violence. Rose describes her problems with relationships, with schooling and her emotional instability, but recognises that things are now different. She acknowledges her new-formed friendships and her increasing confidence and growing independence. Her sensitivity to the needs of her mum remains, however, despite the damage caused by her apparent rejection of Rose during the most injurious times. Her reproof of her mum is not overtly expressed, and she remains loyal to her mum as she begins to build her own life.
The stories that we have heard here, though skeletal, are precious and need to be seen as such. There may be few opportunities to listen to fragments of young people’s lives, and these also must be treasured. As parents, carers, teachers, social workers, support workers and others talk with children and young people, there needs to be an awareness of the value of each piece of their stories which they choose to reveal to adults in their lives, no matter how seemingly insignificant. In situations where a child or young person has been abused through having to live with domestic violence, it must be the case that their stories are taken very seriously, and that every detail is remembered and reflected upon. The principle of listening to children’s stories and acting upon them, in a way which supports them and empowers them, needs to be embraced, and it will ultimately build relationships between young people and adults, and provide a truer understanding of the needs of each young person.
The young people’s stories have here begun to unfold. Each has recounted their storied lives, and as the deeper layers of their stories are revealed in subsequent chapters, a depth and richness will be revealed which will be witness of profoundly