the right sort of body and being able to move naturally to the music.
“If I don’t get in –” Caitlyn gave a deep, quivering sigh – “I shall feel like I’ve let your mum down. And you.”
I might have added, “And Sean,” but it would only have embarrassed her. Like lots of other ballet fans she had this massive crush on him. Even now she couldn’t say his name without blushing. But he was the one, in the end, who had persuaded Mum to give Caitlyn a chance. I’d been nagging at her for ages without getting anywhere. It wasn’t till Sean had seen what Caitlyn could do that he had stepped in and worked his magic.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “You’ll get in; I’m sure you will!”
Oh, I did hope so! It would be too terrible if she didn’t make it. After all those long years when becoming a dancer – even just having ballet lessons – had been nothing but a dream. If anyone deserved a chance, it was Caitlyn.
When I got home I found that Jen was there. She’d brought James round to show him off to Mum. James is my nephew. Imagine me, an auntie! I am not much into babies as a rule, but James is really quite sweet. Even Mum adores him, though she’d been so cross when Jen had announced she was going to give up her career to stay at home and be a mum. It wasn’t what you were supposed to do! It certainly wasn’t what Mum had done. It was only after having me that she’d finally given up performing, but she’d been in her forties by then so she’d probably have had to retire anyway. She wasn’t the sort to be happy playing old lady parts. Fairy godmothers and the like. I won’t be, either! I’ll probably become a teacher, like Mum. I had, after all, been Caitlyn’s teacher for the first few months, until Sean had become involved and helped change her daydream into reality. Even Mum, who is so horribly critical, had been forced to admit I’d done a good job. If Caitlyn was offered a place at CBS, I could pat myself on the back cos it would be partly thanks to me! But please, please, please, I thought, let her be accepted!
Jen and Mum were both eager to hear how the audition had gone. I said that it had gone OK, in spite of Madam suddenly bursting in on us.
“Ooh, scary!” said Jen.
“I know,” I said. “It terrified the life out of some people.”
“Not you, I’ll bet!”
I said, “No, I hardly noticed.” And then, in case maybe that sounded a bit like boasting: “Maybe just at first … when she first came in.”
I went up on my toes, being Madam in her high heels, surveying the room with narrowed eyes.
“Very amusing,” said Mum. “Just remember, however, that this is the woman who holds your fate in her hands.”
“All I’m saying –” I sank back down – “is I didn’t let myself be scared. Cos I thought what you would say … CONCENTRATE!”
“Quite right,” said Mum. “I’m glad my words seem to have sunk in.”
Jen shook her head. “Always so confident! I remember my audition … I was a nervous wreck for days before. And afterwards, waiting to hear. Waiting to hear was almost the worst part. I don’t think I had a single fingernail left by the time we got the letter!”
“What about Sean?” I said. I must have been about four years old when he’d had his audition. Too young to really remember very much. “Was he a nervous wreck?”
“You have to be joking!” said Jen. “When have you ever known Sean be a nervous wreck about anything? I’ve always envied you two … You sail through life, the pair of you, full steam ahead, not a worry in the world.”
“Yes, sometimes a bit too sure of themselves,” agreed Mum. “A touch of humility now and again might not come amiss.”
She nodded rather pointedly in my direction. I felt quite indignant. Why pick on me? I wasn’t the one people went all gooey over. I wasn’t one of Madam’s favourites!
“I have loads of humility,” I said.
“You think?” said Jen. She laughed, and so did Mum.
“You and Sean both!” said Mum.
They were being totally unfair. Mum is the first to say you have to have faith in your abilities. I know what my good points are, but I know what my bad ones are, too. I would be the first to admit I am not as lyrical as, for instance, Caitlyn. I don’t think Sean is that lyrical, either. I once saw him in Sylphides, all dreamy and romantic in the moonlight. Definitely not him! Perhaps me and Sean were a bit alike. I savoured the thought, testing it to see how I felt. I decided that I liked it! When I was little, Sean was one of my heroes, especially when he got into the Company, and then, later on, when he was promoted to soloist and everyone had heard of him. I enjoyed having a brother that all my friends had secret crushes on. Well, or not so secret, in Caitlyn’s case! I wondered if anyone would ever have a crush on me when I got into the Company. If I got into the Company. If, if, if, touch wood!
It was just that I couldn’t imagine not getting in. Mum, Dad, Jen – they had all been with City Ballet. Sean was one of their stars. How could I not follow in their footsteps? The Company was almost like a second family!
But Caitlyn was almost like family, too. We both had to get in! Not just me. Please, please, please, I thought once more. Please let Caitlyn be accepted!
I am never quite sure that I believe in God, but on the other hand I don’t think it hurts to say the occasional prayer. Just in case there is someone there and they happen to be listening. So long as it’s not for something silly, or selfish. Like one time when I prayed I would get through a maths test OK, even though I hadn’t bothered to do any revision. I came next to bottom, but I didn’t hold it against God as I don’t believe that is what prayer is really supposed to be for. It is supposed (in my opinion) to be for other people. In this case, for Caitlyn.
Mentally I closed my eyes and put my hands together. God, I thought, if you’re listening, please do the right thing!
It was over a week, now, and we still hadn’t heard. Every morning as I arrived at school, Caitlyn would greet me with a heart-rending wail: “It hasn’t come yet! Has yours?” She meant, of course, the letter. The one we were all waiting for.
“Surely,” I said to Mum, “we should have heard by now?”
“You’ll hear,” said Mum. “Don’t worry.”
“I’m not worried for me,” I said. And then, very quickly, before I could be accused of being overconfident, I said, “Well, I suppose perhaps I am just a little bit. Cos that’s only natural, isn’t it? Being a little bit worried. Anyone would be! Even Sean. I mean—”
“Maddy, stop babbling,” said Mum. “What’s the problem?”
“It’s Caitlyn,” I said. “I’m worried for Caitlyn! Mum, she will be OK, won’t she? She will get in?”
“I’d certainly like to think so,” said Mum. “I wouldn’t have let her take the audition if I didn’t believe she stood a fair chance. But even if she doesn’t make it this time round, it’s not the end of the world. She can always try again next year, when she’s a bit more sure of herself.”
I stared at Mum, in disbelief. “You don’t think she’s going to make it?”
“I didn’t say that! She may very well do so. But she desperately needs to build up her confidence. How did she take it when Madam walked in? Did it throw her?”
“It threw everybody,” I said. “Even me, a little bit.”
It