Winds wasn’t a dump, but it wasn’t luxurious, either. She didn’t know how long she’d be away from home, and her funds were nowhere near unlimited.
Finding her son had taken almost all the money she’d inherited from her parents. And while working with American Physicians Abroad was emotionally rewarding, she didn’t earn anything like what doctors in the U.S. made.
If she and Hank did end up fighting each other in court, she’d be hard-pressed to pay her legal fees.
“It’s nice out,” he said at last. “Do you want to take a walk?”
“Sure.”
She grabbed a sweater from the closet, doing her best to appear nonchalant when she was feeling anything but. His expression hadn’t given her an inkling about what he was thinking, which left her still totally up in the air.
The motel backed onto a stretch of green space that lent the air an earthy scent of spring, and the path they followed ran alongside a gurgling stream.
Under most circumstances she’d find it a relaxing setting, but the longer they walked the more anxious she grew.
“Spring’s my favorite season,” she finally said to break the silence.
“Yeah?” Hank said, barely glancing at her.
“I guess that’s one of the reasons I fell in love with Guatemala. It’s known as the land of eternal spring.”
All that got her was a second “Yeah?” so she lapsed back into silence.
They walked a little farther, then he said, “I saw a lawyer yesterday.”
Her pulse skipped a beat. She wasn’t surprised that he had, but what advice had he gotten?
“And?” she prompted when he didn’t continue.
“She basically said what yours did—that we should try to work things out ourselves.”
“Ah…good. I mean, I’m glad they agreed.”
“Right. So…I guess we’d better talk about your seeing Robbie.”
“Fine,” she murmured, afraid that if she said even one more word he’d start having second thoughts.
“There’ll have to be some ground rules.”
She nodded.
“First off, I’ll be there whenever you’re with him.”
“That’s fine,” she said, not hesitating for a second. She’d agree to just about anything when he was going along with this.
“Good. Then…well, I guess we could start with your coming back to the house once we finish talking. If you’d like, I mean.”
“That would be great,” she said, still trying for nonchalance although she felt like doing cartwheels in the grass.
“But this is my last day off,” he continued. “I’m back at work tomorrow, and I’ll be on the midnight-to-eight shift for the next ten days, which means I don’t get home till after nine—later if we’re in the middle of something at the end of the shift. So, by the time I’ve slept…well, the earliest you’ll be able to see Robbie will be around four or five.”
“Hank, I’ll fit in with whatever works for you. I realize how difficult you must find this. And I knew that even if you decided to let me see Robbie, you wouldn’t want me constantly hanging around. So I was thinking I’d see if the hospital in Madison wants a volunteer.
“I wouldn’t be able to do hands-on work with patients. I’m not licensed to practice in New Jersey. But if there’s anything else they could use me for…”
“I’m sure there’ll be something. I keep hearing how short staffed they are.”
“Good. I’d hate to just sit around in the motel.”
She hesitated then, not really wanting to mention the present, in case he thought she was resorting to bribery, yet knowing she’d better.
Finally she said, “When I was in Englewood I got something for Robbie. A fire engine. Is it okay if I bring it along today?”
“Sure,” he said, almost making her smile with relief. “He’ll love it. Anything with wheels.”
“Right. I kind of figured that after seeing all his cars and trucks.”
She told herself to stop there. Being nervous often made her talk too much. And, sure enough, the next instant she heard herself saying, “I guess it was silly, but once I’d bought it I started thinking I shouldn’t have. That it might jinx things and you’d tell me I couldn’t see him. So the fact that you’re letting me…Well, it really does mean a lot.”
He eyed her for a moment, before saying, “Look, Natalie, don’t read too much into it, okay. If my lawyer hadn’t advised me to try compromising with you, I’m not sure I would be. Because regardless of what arrangement we work out, assuming we can even do that, every day Robbie spends with you will be a day he isn’t spending with me. And I’m not happy about that.”
“I don’t blame you,” she murmured. “I wouldn’t be, either.”
“Right…well…we should probably turn back.”
They walked in silence again until he said, “There’s something else we have to decide. Whether we should tell Robbie you’re his mother.”
Her automatic response was, of course they should, but she caught herself before the words came out. It hadn’t occurred to her there’d be any question about that. There obviously was, though.
“What do you think?” she asked.
“Well, I talked it over with Audrey and we both feel that for the time being I should say you’re a friend. And he should call you Natalie.”
“Oh,” she said, trying to pretend that didn’t hurt.
“After all, he’s only three. Three and a half.”
Hank stopped and looked at her then. “I’ve never known his real birth date. We chose one based on the pediatrician’s guess because the records weren’t complete and…Hell, as it’s turned out, the records weren’t even Robbie’s, were they.”
“He was born on October 11,” she said quietly. “And the earthquake struck on February 15. Those four months were all I had with him.”
While Hank had had three years. She tried to force that thought away.
“October 11. The doctor’s guess was pretty close. But the point I wanted to make is that Robbie isn’t old enough to really understand the concept of a mother. Not the fact that a mother’s the woman who gives birth to a person, I mean.
“Sometimes,” Hank added after a moment, “it’s hard to know exactly what he does understand.”
“Well, as you said, he’s only three and a half.”
“Yeah.”
A few beats passed, then Hank said, “I guess I should tell you that he knows he’s adopted—sort of, at least. I talked to him about it a few months ago, but I don’t think my explanation really made much sense to him.
“And getting back to his concept of a mother…as far as he’s concerned, I think she’s just someone who lives with a child and looks after him. Something his friends have but he doesn’t.”
“Has he ever asked why he doesn’t?”
“Uh-huh. And I told him his mother was dead.”
“Oh,” she murmured again. Even though she realized it shouldn’t, that hurt, too.
“Looking at things now,” Hank continued, “I guess it wasn’t the best answer. But it seemed to be at the time. My ex-wife doesn’t keep in touch, which