sorry, Nalini. I can’t agree to that.’
* * *
‘You can’t agree to spend time with me?’
Nalini’s heart thumped in her chest as she said the words, a sick feeling settling in her stomach. She’d thought that when Zacchaeus had told her he knew she was on Kirtida to get to know him as well as to plan the wedding, it had meant that he’d been willing to play along.
Asking him to spend time with her had felt too much like begging, and now his refusal of her... It felt intensely personal. As if he could make time but wouldn’t because he didn’t want to spend it with her.
‘And you really think I’m going to spend all my time planning a wedding?’
‘I’ll have my secretary draw up a list of things you can do on Kirtida. You’ll be so busy you won’t even notice that you’re alone.’
She gave a short bark of laughter. ‘Has that ever worked for you?’
His eyes narrowed. ‘I’m not sure what you mean.’
‘You’re alone here, aren’t you? Your parents don’t live in the castle and whatever relationship you had with them must have been spoilt the moment you became King. I can’t imagine you have any friends, and you’re holding your allies hostage. So tell me, Zacchaeus, whether you’ve ever been so busy that you haven’t noticed you’re alone?’
The expression on his face twisted with an emotion she couldn’t identify, and then went blank so quickly she doubted her eyes. But when he spoke the coldness in his voice told her she hadn’t imagined it.
‘If I agree to spend time with you, Nalini... What happens then?’ His brows lifted. ‘You’ve already told me you’ll marry me, and you’re implying that you trust me to act as we agreed by doing that. So what happens if you get to know me and it doesn’t make you feel better?’
‘It...it would—’
‘It might not,’ he interrupted mildly. ‘You already have all the proof you need to show you that I’m not a good man. I’ve overthrown my father to become King, so you know I’m power-hungry. My parents don’t live in the castle any more, so you know I’m cruel.’ He pushed away his plate and leaned his forearms on the table, angling himself so that she had no choice but to look into the arresting lines of his face. ‘I demanded that you marry me without even asking you how you felt about it, so you know I only care about what I want. Do you really want to get to know a man like that?’
‘You want me to see that man,’ she said, fighting to keep the panic she felt from her voice. ‘For some reason, you think it’s easier.’
‘No, Nalini. You’re the one who thinks this situation is easier than it is.’ He sat back now. ‘You’re hoping that I’m not that man, and that’s why you want to get to know me. But I’m sorry, I don’t have time to quell your fears. You told me you made this choice. And the thing about making choices is that you have to deal with their consequences.’
She suddenly wanted to scream at him, to tell him that she knew everything about choices and their consequences. She could still feel the girls pulling at her jewellery and clothes that night on the beach. She could still hear the boys laughing at her panic. Worst of all, she could still see Josh’s face as he laughed with them, the person who’d told her he’d keep her safe gone, leaving only the sick realisation that he’d never existed.
And then there was the way her family had reacted after...
The fact that she was on Kirtida, having this conversation with him, was her dealing with the consequences of her actions.
But, of course, she could voice none of that.
‘Fine,’ she said quietly. ‘I won’t waste my time trying to find some redeeming quality in you.’
She saw the surprise but it faded quickly. ‘Good. Because you won’t.’ With those words, he walked out of the room.
She sat there for a moment, not entirely sure what to do, and then stood. It took her another few minutes to figure out that she didn’t know where her room was, and was about to ask when a young woman came up to her.
‘Your Royal Highness, His Majesty King Zacchaeus has asked me to show you to your room.’
Nalini’s chest loosened in relief. ‘Thank you.’
She followed the woman—Sylvia—as her thoughts swirled around what had just happened. She had been so sure that Zacchaeus had wanted to say yes to her. That he would have said yes to her, but that he’d stopped himself.
Or had that just been in her mind?
She hated the uncertainty, that special kind of doubt that she hadn’t felt in nine years. Or perhaps the kind of doubt she’d felt every day for those nine years. But it felt more acute now, though that was probably normal. Nalini hadn’t made a decision of her own—not really—in that amount of time. She shouldn’t be surprised now, after she had, that she was being reminded of the fears that had stemmed from that fateful night.
She reminded herself that this decision had been nothing like the one nine years ago. Nalini had gone into this one with her eyes open. And yes, perhaps she’d hoped that Zacchaeus would be on the same page as her. That she could find some common ground between them so that marrying him wouldn’t be so completely terrifying. But now that she knew where she stood, she had to accept it.
She would accept it.
She murmured her thanks to Sylvia when they got to the room, and waited to be alone before she looked around. Like the rest of the castle, the room was a mixture of old and new. It was spacious, the walls and beige carpet no doubt old, but modernised by a king-size bed covered in white that matched the chiffon curtains. Large windows stood above a chaise longue and Nalini immediately opened them, breathing in the fresh sea air.
The day had changed, she noted. The sun had been eclipsed by clouds, the sky a grey colour that felt ominous. The water thrashed against the pier that was visible from her window, and when she leaned forward she could see the faint outline of the castle of Mattan.
The longing for home pulsed in her veins but she knew she couldn’t go back. Perhaps that was why the longing felt so desperate. If she went back she would be returning to a life she’d never thought she’d have. A life where she did everything that was expected of her just so that she could prove she’d learnt from her mistakes.
But she’d seen how her sister, Alika, and Xavier’s lives had turned out because they’d followed all the expectations of them. It had made them incredibly unhappy, and she’d dreaded that future for herself. But she’d been afraid to do anything about it. Because once, a long time ago, she had done something about it and it had broken her heart—and her dreams—in one night.
But when Xavier had announced his engagement with Leyna she’d been given a glimpse of a life she could have. And when she’d last spoken with Alika she had realised her two options.
On the one hand, she could choose to disobey her mother and grandmother to protect her kingdom. They might not be happy with her decision, but for the sake of Mattan they would accept it and acknowledge that it was a responsible choice.
At least that was what she hoped.
It was an added benefit that being on Kirtida would give her the freedom of making her own decisions. She could regain that excitement for life she’d lost so long ago. She could have her independence.
On the other hand, she could listen to them and stay. She could keep on living the life she’d been living. She’d marry a man her mother and grandmother had chosen, just like Alika had, and be unhappy. Just like Alika was.
Alika would never say it aloud, but Nalini knew her older sister. And though Nalini no longer expected love or happiness, she’d hoped for contentment at the very least. Alika had always accepted her fate without complaining. And sometimes Nalini wished she could be like that too. But she wasn’t.