it all goes into that. So if you’re taking enjoyment in something that is of questionable value, something that is demeaning of somebody else, whether or not you’re the person doing it, I think that the example for your child will be that “This is fun, this is something to be enjoyed, this is something that can be done,” you know, speaking disparagingly in the crudest ways about this person or that person. It’s fine. But it’s really not fine. You’re setting up a pattern that is going to be harmful to them. It’s not making them a better person in the world.
Errol Marks
Well, respect starts with self-respect, and if you don’t have any self-respect, you can’t expect anyone to respect you. And I think you should work on the core value of self-respect. Once you understand yourself and understand how to respect yourself, you’ll find that respecting others is automatic, and it’s applied to the children as well. I’ve learned that the strategy to earning their respect is actually letting them know what you will accept and what you won’t accept without being domineering, without having to force of coerce that from them. And that would play into reciprocity as well.
I treat my children differently from how I was treated as a child. I treat them somewhere in between contemporary and conventional parenting. I appeal to their intellect, as in saying to them, “You know how you enjoy spending time with me at my house,” “You know why you’re coming here,” “You know what motivates you to want to be here,” and “You know what you love about being here.” So if something were to happen that would cause you to not act according to what will allow a good time, ask yourself, are you willing to risk that? Are you willing to spoil everyone’s mood or spoil everyone’s fun? I tell them simply, “Don’t make me do my job.” It’s something I learned from being a corrections officer; I would tell the inmates, “Don’t make me do my job. Everybody will be fine if you do what you’re supposed to do, what’s expected of you. Then you can do whatever you want afterward.” It’s a simple rule, but I’m not like a warden when it comes to my girls. I ask them, “Well, hey, you didn’t clean up your room, tell me how that makes you feel. Why wouldn’t you care about that?”
I start a conversation because I’m not so strict on the rules and I don’t want them to live in fear of me and fear of my wrath. Of course, they know when they cross a certain line that I go into that mode and they are well aware of that, and they have an understanding that if they don’t do this or that, Dad’s going to be upset, and when he’s upset, nobody has fun, and he doesn’t want to be upset either. So I never let them cross my boundaries. I always stand by my boundaries, and that’s it. They are hard and fast, and I help them to understand that. My boundaries are hard and fast, but there’s a lot of room in between to enjoy the space they’re allowed to live in. It’s not respect derived from fear. It’s not oppressive, it’s not respect derived from fear, because I give them the respect as well, so it is reciprocal. And you should not think of them as your property as some people do. I call that third world parenting, especially being Chinese. I know some parents can be in total control of their kids. I don’t want to control my kids. I don’t want them to be controllable. I want them to be independent thinkers; however, they are free to do what they want to do within certain boundaries.
I’m not raising my kids in any way that I was raised, more or less. I’m kind of questioning everything and doing what I think is right because I remember what it was like being a child growing up with certain personal attributes, like fears. I had fears and certain behavioral patterns that developed as a child that I attribute to how I was raised. But that’s blaming. I could blame my parents as a child, but I can’t blame my parents as an adult. So taking responsibility, I have managed to curtail certain learned behaviors so as to not have them waterfall down onto my children. I’ve learned to stop myself and to do the opposite. For example, instead of yelling at them, I would appeal to their intellect. I don’t want my kids to feel inferior or incompetent; I don’t want them to rebel as I did growing up.
Maxine Maloney
I define respect as how we approach and treat others and how we feel and then even treat ourselves. I want to share a caveat that I started with my daughter from very young from when she could speak, and she spoke very early—she started talking at ten months. There’s something that we have, and those are values and characteristics tied to our family values; there’s respect. And it was important that she learned very young about having respect for others—and others means humans, animals, the environment, the earth, and all the things that you have. So it’s treating others as you would like to be treated, and she’s been having that notion of empathy be part of that notion of respect. When it comes to self-respect, it’s having pride in who you are and what you do, and so who you are is carrying yourself in a way that people will treat you well and recognize your gifts and not give them opportunities to disrespect you. I model that by how I speak to my daughter, Zaria, how I speak to others, and then when I see those behaviors that are disrespectful or lack self-respect, I will immediately point those out. I started that really early and even used open-ended questions, like, “How did you feel when you saw that?” or “How did you feel when you said that?” or “How do you think the persons felt when this happened?” Because that notion of respect has to be an anchor in who we are so that we learn to treat others well and first and foremost treat ourselves well.
From very early on for Zaria, I would use that word respect—even before she could fully even understand the notion of respect is just part of our vernacular—“I respect you,” “I respect that you did that, but here’s how I feel.” And then when she did things, I would say, “Do you think that was respectful?” Respect is really part of our core family values and part of our character. Building character very early on is what I always did with Zaria before she could even really say full sentences. And thinking of that notion of respect for parents comes even when your babies are infants—respecting that when they cry, the cry is their way of speaking, and we respond to it and respect is listening and understanding the different tones, because there’s crying that I’m just expressing myself; there’s crying when I’m in pain; there’s crying when I’m hungry; there’s crying when I’m tired; and from early on being able to really hone in and be in tune to those cries and your baby’s rhythm, I think, is an anchor and the beginnings of respect. Now that Zaria is a teenager, you know, respecting that she needs her own space and her own time; respecting that she needs to express herself, but she has to express herself in a respectful manner; and then when she does feel angry, or anxious or overwhelmed, recognizing that she’s human and it’s okay to feel that way. But expressing it in a respectful manner shows it doesn’t hurt others’ feelings, and when she does, in recognizing that she’s human, that when she does do it, I will say, “You know, Zaria, did you think it was respectful that you did that and did you think about how I felt?” Then when I realize that I had done something that wasn’t what I would consider respectful, being able to apologize to her and say, “I’m really sorry that I lashed out. I was angry” or “I was agitated” or “My mind was not able to take in what you were saying.”
Virgil McDonald
I had the opportunity to talk with our sons (unfortunately, our daughter passed away at a relatively young age) about these four concepts because I wanted to get their feedback. I was very pleased with what I heard from them. In general, they said that we did not teach them respect; they learned to be respectful from us. They were clear about what we would do and not do out of respect for each other. These patterns of behavior guided them, and they apply the same principles with their children.
Respect is being, first of all, respectful to you. If you respect yourself, you can easily respect others. One of my favorite quotes and a principle I have tried to live by is from Hamlet by William Shakespeare, “This above all to thine own self be true and it must follow, as the night the day that thou canst not thence be false to any man.” There are standards that you establish for yourself and your children. For example, we did not want our children to use profane language. Therefore, we did not utter vile words in their presence. I think my children were adults before they ever heard me curse. I learned that from my father. So I define respect as honoring the dignity of all persons.
I grew up in a family with both brothers and sisters, and my parents insisted that we respect each other—our