beings we have two psychological needs:
We need to feel loved.
We need to feel like we belong.
Real, healthy friendships fulfil this need.
The quality of friendships is more important than the quantity.
Banter can be fun. It helps us to connect with each other, but we should come away from it feeling good about ourselves. If our friends tear us to shreds and don't support us, the constant negativity will start to bring us down.
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Relationships have a huge effect on our self‐esteem. Why?
Because they're risky. Connecting on a deep level is the most rewarding thing we'll ever go through. It can also be the most painful.
Your relationship should make you feel supported, valued and accepted.
Arguing is normal. It forms a part of every relationship. However, there's a difference between healthy conflict and destructive conflict.
Be grateful
Being grateful means focusing on the good stuff in your life and feeling thankful instead of focusing on the negative things.
If you practise gratitude, it boosts your self‐esteem. How?
Replacing ANTs with positive thinking makes you feel good. This makes you act in ways that make you feel even better. (Remember the self‐esteem spiral.)
HOW TO PRACTISE GRATITUDE
Practising gratitude is an extension of being self‐aware. It involves using your senses (see, hear, taste, feel, smell) to be mindful. That is, to be in the moment.
Being grateful means practising self‐awareness: paying attention to the thoughts you are having. Taking notice of how you are feeling. Replacing ANTs with positive thinking.
Try this
How are you thinking and feeling right now?
Take a moment to tune into your senses:
What can you see?
What can you hear?
What can you taste?
What can you smell?
What can you feel?
Reflect on these sensations to answer the following questions:
1 What are you thinking about?
2 If your thoughts are ANTs, can you reframe them into positive thoughts?
3 How do your positive thoughts make you feel?
4 Based on this thought and these feelings, what do you have to be grateful for?
Here’s an example of what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling right now.
Me
Right now, I can see my older son, Cale, in the rear‐view mirror, and I hear him laughing at me as I describe this to you. I can feel the sun beaming through the window and it's warm against my skin. I can taste syrupy sugar because we stopped off for a coke and I can smell a mixture of sweat, air‐con and fresh fruit because our grocery shopping is on the back seat.
I'm thinking that seeing Cale reminds me that he's the one really good thing to come out of my previous marriage. Cale is really funny, and we've had a great weekend together. The weather has been beautiful, and at this time of the year, we can buy strawberries together from ‘our spot’. I swear they are the best strawberries in WA.
I’m feeling loved, relaxed and happy. I’m in a good mood.
I’m grateful I have Cale.
I’m grateful it’s spring.
I’m grateful Cale and I got to spend the weekend together.
I’m grateful strawberries are for sale.
WHY PRACTISING GRATITUDE BOOSTS OUR SELF‐ESTEEM
Choosing to feel grateful for what we have, instead of dwelling on what we don't have, has the effect of rewiring our brain. Remember I mentioned earlier about how when we practise a thought over and over, the neural connection becomes stronger? When we spend time practising gratitude, thinking positively becomes automatic. We behave in a positive way that causes us to feel good about ourselves. It's a great way to boost our self‐esteem, and it has the added effect of attracting others to us.
Talk to someone
Gender is different now from how it was when I was growing up. It's a subject that can be polarising. What we are certain of, however, is that some things are still seen as ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’.
I used to think that talking to a counsellor was soft or weak. I thought that ‘talking to someone’ was touchy‐feely, and that it was okay for girls to talk about their problems, but not for guys. I couldn't have been more wrong.
There is hard science behind why we need to reach out and talk about our problems.
When we speak aloud, it allows our brain to organise and make sense of the thousands of thoughts running through our minds. I personally feel everyone in the world should talk to a counsellor or psychologist at some point in their lives. Why?
TALKING TO SOMEONE CAN IMPROVE YOUR SELF‐ESTEEM
This isn't a book about neuroscience and I'm not a scientist. However, I do know that talking to someone who specialises in listening to your problems will physically change your brain through the activation and firing of neurotransmitters. You can literally change:
how you think
how you feel physically
how you feel emotionally
how you look
how you see yourself.
It might take time to find the right person to confide in: someone you connect with and someone you trust. Don't give up if it doesn't work out the first time, or even the tenth time. Keep trying. I spoke to three different counsellors before I found one who worked for me.
Change your lifestyle
Did you know that eating junk food affects your hormones and brain chemistry?
I didn't know this when I was in high school. I had no idea about:
serotonin (the ‘happy’ brain chemical)
dopamine (the ‘feel good’ brain chemical)
cortisol (the ‘stress’ hormone).
I didn't realise binging on sugar, not working out, not getting enough sleep and watching pornography didn't just affect my physical health, it affected my mental health too.
You can read more about serotonin, dopamine and cortisol in chapter 4.
WHY CHOOSING A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE IMPROVES YOUR SELF‐ESTEEM
When you decide it's important to be healthy, you choose to value