the kids at school for bullying me. My ANTs were getting worse. Everyone hates me, I thought. I don’t have any friends. I’m ugly and I’m fat. The ANTs were making me feel depressed and anxious. Things were getting worse by the day.
During this time, there was one person in my life who I knew truly cared about me: my grandmother, whom I called ‘Oma’ because she was German. Oma and my grandfather (Opa) had fled Europe after World War II because he was Polish and their relationship was frowned upon at the time, if not yet downright verboten. Oma was a nurse, both during the war and when she and Opa moved to Australia. Oma was known for her caring nature. All of the kids on Oma's street used to visit Oma with scraped knees, insect bites and various other injuries. As he became older, Opa developed Parkinson's disease and Oma became his full‐time carer. I don't have a lot of memories of Opa as he tended to keep to himself, but Oma had a huge influence on my life.
Here is a photo of Oma as a young woman living in Germany.
When Mum and Dad split up, Mum moved out and Dad started working really long hours. He would be gone from 6 o'clock in the morning until at least 7 o'clock in the evening. Sometimes he wouldn't come home until close to midnight. Not long after, my brother moved out. I was on my own a lot. Time felt like a gaping hole and the hours seemed to stretch endlessly before me. I actually missed the noise of Mum and Dad yelling and arguing with each other.
Every morning, Oma would drive to my house to make sure that I got out of bed, ate breakfast and went to school. This was no easy feat for Oma. I'd wake up each day filled with a sense of dread. I knew I was going to get bullied, but I didn't know when it was going to happen. When I arrived home from school, Oma was always there, cleaning and cooking. Oma's presence was comforting. I soaked up the unconditional love and attention she offered me. At the same time, I dreaded the moment she'd need to leave to go and take care of Opa. Each evening, 6 o'clock rolled around and Oma's car would drive away. An overwhelming sense of despair would surge within me. The hours stretched endlessly before me. There was no relief in sight.
At the time, I didn't understand what was happening to me. I knew I was feeling depressed and anxious, but I tried to push these feelings down and ignore them. The only thing that got me through each day was the sense of comfort and unconditional love that Oma gave me. But my emotional state continued to plummet. I hated myself. My grades began to suffer. I started turning to behaviours that I thought were helping, but that were actually only making things worse.
COPING MECHANISMS
When we're feeling stressed, or experiencing negative feelings, it's normal to turn to the things that help us cope. These are known as ‘coping mechanisms’. Not all coping mechanisms are created equal. For example, going for a run might help someone cope with feelings of stress or anxiety. Another person might turn to alcohol to help them cope with their emotions. A coping mechanism may be considered healthy or unhealthy. A ‘healthy’ behaviour might be considered ‘unhealthy’ in large quantities, and vice versa. We'll look at this further in chapter 4.
It's important to be aware of what your coping mechanisms are. They act as important red flags for ANTs and negative feelings. If you find yourself needing to use your coping mechanism to ‘feel better’, then it's important to question why.
My story
During my teenage years, I turned to binge eating. I wasn't self‐aware. I didn't realise I was binging on lollies, chips and chocolate to try and numb the emotional pain I was experiencing. I just knew that eating junk food made me feel better. As a young kid, I'd always raided Oma's pantry for a couple of treats after school. But, by the time I reached high school, one or two chocolate bars weren't enough. Spending so much time alone at home, I smashed bags of the stuff, eating beyond the point of comfort until I felt physically sick.
I also developed a screen addiction. It started with movies and gaming, but soon the ‘fix’ I was getting from them wasn’t enough. I gravitated towards pornography. What started out as a ‘feel‐good’ coping mechanism descended into mental addiction.
As my junk food, screen and pornography addictions worsened, I began to feel more depressed and anxious. I started staying up all night because I didn't want to go to bed and have to face my thoughts. Inevitably, sleep deprivation made all of my problems worse. It was a revolving door of self‐abuse.
WHAT SHOULD I HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY?
I depended on unhealthy behaviours (binge eating and staying up all night to watch TV, game and watch pornography) to help me feel better. This is the opposite of being self‐aware.
I should have paid attention to my ANTs and challenged them. Instead, I ignored how low I was feeling. The result?
My self‐esteem hit rock bottom.
By the age of 11, I was struggling but trying to put on a brave face.
HOW TO BE SELF‐AWARE
Self‐awareness is about paying attention to your self and being aware of your thoughts:
Pay attention to your thoughts.
Challenge ANTs.
Pay attention to your feelings.
If you're feeling a certain way, ask why.
Identify your coping mechanisms: these behaviours are red flags.
Practising the following steps will help you overcome relying on coping mechanisms.
Try this
Be aware of your coping mechanisms
Answer these questions in your head and think about your answers intently.
1 What is one of your coping mechanisms?
2 When was the last time you used your coping mechanism?
3 How were you feeling before you used it? (It might be one dominant feeling, such as fear or anger. Or, it might be a mixture of feelings, such as feeling excited and nervous.)
4 What triggered you to have these feelings?
5 What ANT did you experience?
6 Challenge this ANT. Is it true?
Practise this exercise as often as you can. Next time you find yourself turning towards a coping mechanism, follow the steps above and see if you can identify the thoughts and feelings that caused you to need it. The more often you try to be self‐aware, the easier it becomes.
Choose your friends and relationships wisely
There's whole chapters about friendships and relationships later in this book (see chapters 7 and 10) because healthy relationships (including friendships) are essential for healthy self‐esteem.
HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS
In a nutshell, if we have healthy friendships, we feel secure. We feel confident. We feel accepted. Regardless of whether we screw