The desire to procreate, to have your genes carried on in the species, can be powerful. Just make sure it’s a desire that lasts more than a day.
Also, make sure you take the time to analyze the impact baby will have on your life. If you’re in the final two years of a college program, waiting to have a child may be in your best interest. If you’re unemployed, perhaps you want to put off trying until you find a job you like that can support a family.
Telling your partner you’re ready
You can tell your partner anytime and anyplace that you’re ready to take the plunge into parenthood, but however you broach the subject, remember that she may not be as ready as you. A good way to introduce the topic is by asking her questions about her feelings on when is the right time to have a baby.
Let her know how excited you are, but also let her know that you’ve thought about the finances and logistics of having a baby, too. Fatherhood involves a lot more than choosing a name and a nursery theme. A big part of feeling ready is knowing that your partner isn’t just enamored with the idea of a child but is also prepared for the practicalities of responsibly starting a family.
You don’t have to outline every aspect of how and why you’re ready, but do treat the idea with respect and let your partner know you’re sincere by proving that you’ve actually thought it through.
Telling your partner you’re not ready
If your partner is already pregnant, do not under any circumstances tell her you’re not ready. If, however, the two of you are simply exploring the idea of having a child, now is the perfect time to speak your piece and let her know that you’re just not prepared for fatherhood.
Reasons for not being ready vary from practical (not enough money or time) to logistical (still in school or caring for a sick parent) to selfish (not ready to share the Xbox). No reason is wrong, but if your partner is ready for a baby, don’t expect her to be fully supportive of your rationale.
Being patient when one of you is ready (and the other isn’t)
Being on different pages can be an uncomfortable position for any couple, especially when it comes to the kid issue. Men have long been saddled with the Peter Pan label whenever they announce they aren’t ready to “grow up” and have kids. Women are unfairly chastised for choosing career over family if they aren’t ready to have a child.
Everyone has his reasons for wanting or not wanting to have a baby, and every one of them is valid — at least to the person who isn’t ready. We don’t recommend attempting to persuade your partner, or vice versa, to have a baby. Having a child with someone who isn’t ready is setting up your relationship — and your relationship with the child — for failure.
Seek counseling at any point if you and your partner fight about the issue frequently or if one of you decides that you never want children. Couples who are at an impasse about whether to have children often need the guidance of a trained professional.
Dealing with an unexpected pregnancy
Unplanned pregnancies aren’t uncommon, and for the majority of people in a committed relationship, adjusting to the surprising news is often no more than a minor bump in the road. If you unexpectedly find out that you’re going to be a dad, don’t get angry with your partner. Blaming the other person is easy when emotions run high, but don’t forget how you got into this situation in the first place. It does, indeed, take two.
Birth control and family planning are the responsibility of both the man and the woman, and accidents sometimes happen. The best thing you can do in this instance is to talk with your partner about your options and start making a plan for how to give that child the best life you possibly can. Having a child unexpectedly isn’t the end of the world, and you don’t have to feel ready to have a baby to be a good father.
Welcoming long-awaited pregnancies
Getting pregnant isn’t always as easy as they make it look in the movies, as the millions of infertile couples know all too well. (And if you and your partner are dealing with infertility, head to Chapter 2 for help.) Finding out that you’re pregnant after a long wait brings a mixed bag of emotions, most of which are joyful.
If you and your partner have been struggling to get pregnant, you likely feel relieved that you’re about to get the gift you’ve been working so hard to find, but don’t be surprised if you have difficulty adjusting to life outside of the infertility world. After months and years of scheduled sex, countless doctor visits, and innumerable disappointments, not everyone transitions into the pregnancy phase with ease.
You also may struggle with extreme fear because of previous miscarriages, close calls, and years of frustration with the process. Allow yourselves the opportunity to gripe, complain, worry, and grieve for a process that took a lot of patience and energy. Frustrations that were bottled up for the sake of optimism may finally surface, which is absolutely healthy.
Peering into the Pregnancy Crystal Ball
When you get used to the idea of being a father, you may wonder what comes next. For the uninitiated, first-time dad, the nine months of pregnancy are a whirlwind of planning, worrying, parties, nesting, name searching, doctor visits, and information gathering as you move toward baby’s birth. In the following sections we lay out what you can expect in each trimester (a period of three months).
First trimester
In the first trimester, which encompasses the first three months of pregnancy, your partner will likely suffer from a host of common pregnancy symptoms immortalized and caricatured in