You also need to determine whether your egg donor and your gestational (pregnancy) baby carrier are going to be the same person. This is a complicated question that deserves some really hard thinking on your part.
If you’re using a relative as egg donor, you may feel fairly comfortable using her as the carrier also. After all, you probably have a reasonably good relationship and you know where she lives if there are any problems. If your relative or friend feels funny giving you her eggs, you could use an anonymous egg donor and someone you know as gestational carrier. Or the other way around. You can see why this takes some serious thought.
It’s a little trickier still if you don’t know your egg donor or gestational carrier. In this case, choosing a separate egg donor an a gestational carrier can be a prudent decision. The carrier won’t have a biological tie to your baby, which could prevent legal issues if something goes wrong.
Giving up a few good sperm
If you’re a single guy alone, identifying the person responsible for supplying the sperm is pretty straightforward — that would be you. If you have a male partner, this question becomes a bit more complicated. Does one of you already have children? Does one of you have better sperm than the other? Is one of you more invested in the whole idea of having kids? Talking through these issues to make a decision can take time, so don’t rush it. You can also mix your sperm together and let nature make the decision.
Sperm donation is simple and not very time consuming. Some centers let you donate ahead and have sperm on ice waiting for the day it’s needed. Others let you collect the sperm at home, as long as you can bring it to the center within a reasonable time frame. The center will concentrate the sperm and optimize it for fertilization.
Understanding the egg-donation process
Egg donation is not a simple process, at leasy not compared to sperm donation. The egg donor has to take powerful ovary stimulating medications, usually by injection, for 10 days or so, sometimes longer, depending on the clinic’s protocol. The egg donor must undergo a number of ultrasounds, and her blood word must be monitored frequently to make sure she’s producing the right number of eggs — not too many and not too few. The ins and outs of in vitro fertilization are beyond the scope of this book; check out “Pregnancy for Dummies” if you want to know exactly what egg donation involves.
Some fertility clinics have an egg-donor program and can match you up with a donor. As with a sperm donor, you can choose someone who has characteristics similar to yours — or exactly the opposite, if that’s what you’re looking for. There are also businesses that will match you with an egg donor, if your clinic doesn’t have a donor program. Anonymous egg donors and the companies that find them for you both need to be paid, usually in amounts in excess of $10,000. If you’re using a known donor, you might have to pay for her medical expenses, if she isn’t covered for fertility treatment.
Looking at the legalities of surrogacy
The term surrogate usually refers to a woman who is genetically related to the child — that is, her eggs are used — who also carries the pregnancy. Whether you’re asking a family member or looking for someone you don’t know to act as a surrogate, it’s vital to know your state’s surrogacy laws before getting too far into the process. Being a surrogate involves a nine month commitment that can include taking medication to assure a healthy pregnancy, coordination of her menstrual cycle with that of the egg donor, frequent monitoring, and dealing with an anxious parent-to-be (you).Some states don’t allow surrogacy or offer no legal protection if a legal battle ensues down the road. The following states are, in 2022, not surrogacy-friendly:
Michigan
New York
The following states allow compenstated surrogacy and are generally considered surrogacy-friendly:
California
Connecticut
Delaware
District of Columbia
Maine
New Hampshire
Nevada
Oregon
Rhode Island
Washington
The rest of the states have more complicated regulations, some of which may be favorable in some aspects of surrogacy and some not so favorable. In any case, a lawyer well-versed in reproductive law is essential to this road of parenthood. They’ll be up on the most recent changes and can advise you accordingly. The American Academy of Adoption and Assisted Reproductive Technology Attorneys (AAARTA) maintains a list, found at www.aaarta.org.
Involving a family member in egg donation or carrying the baby
Having one side of the family more involved than the other in your baby-making project can have consequences down the road. Keeping boundaries in place in such an emotional situation can also lead to problems, sometimes for years to come. Families, unlike friends or acquaintances, are generally around for the long haul, and your child will likely be involved with them for most of their lives. However, families can and do make this work, and it can be the best of all possible worlds if the stars align and your relatives are all solidly behind you.
If you’re a gay couple, both of your family’s genetics can be in the mix if one of you has a sister willing to donate the egg. (Obviously, the guy whose sister donates the egg doesn’t donate the sperm.) This would be the best-case scenario — everyone has a genetic claim — but altruistic sisters may be in short supply in your families. Or the whole idea might just not sit right with one of you.
Monetary issues can also complicate the issue of using a family member; do you offer them a financial stipend or will your relative or friend simply want to do this out of the goodness of their heart? How “legal” do you need to be in terms of a contract? It’s always advisable to draw up a legal document to protect all parties down the road, no matter how unnecessary it seems at the time or how close you are to your family member. Life circumstances change, the question of whether or not to disclose all the details to your future child or other people can suddenly become important, or the donor who thought she’d have no problem giving away her eggs discovers after the baby is born with her eyes and nose that it matters way more than she thought it would.
Both egg-donation and surrogacy programs generally require physicals and possibly genetic testing. Some also require a mental health consultation. Unexpected issues can be uncovered during testing, which could eliminate your potential family member or friend as a donor or carrier.
Finding a friend who’s willing to donate or carry
Asking a friend to go through egg donation or even to be your gestational carrier is another possible option, whether you’re single or partnered. The plusses include having a known entity to work with over the next nine-plus months — although this can be a good thing or a bad thing — and having more access to the pregnant person than you will likely have with a paid surrogate. Having a friend rather than a family member might also add a useful extra layer of emotional distance between you and the surrogate if things start to get complicated. After all, it’s much easier for a friend to keep their emotional distance than it is for a family member, who’s at hand for every major holiday and birthday.
If you’re involving a friend — even a really good friend — in your future child’s creation, it’s very important to make sure all your legal Ps and Qs are in order. Friends break up more often than families do, and keeping this part of your friendship as more business than sentiment is essential.
Acting as a gestational