the answer is somewhere very close, but she would not be able to find it by herself. She did not want to leave with this idea but at the same time believed that it happened for good and it would become clearer soon: «There was a reason why I had a dream about school». Svetlana felt awkward and unusual when she thought about school. She jerked her hand, burnt by the cigarette, dropped the ashtray on the floor and remembered Maxim. «Very surprising»! – She thought, collecting ashes from the floor. Sveta recalled their first class: good-looking boy, hearing his name, said «This is me» and stood up, and when she looked at him she totally forgot that she is giving a class… The teacher saw something pure and innocent, something that touched her soul – not just touched but remained there. She could not take eyes of him; she was searching exactly for someone like him, dreaming of him…
Sveta saw something light and unperturbed in his soul: strength and independence – the same qualities that she possessed. She said to herself: «It is strange that a little boy has such an influence on me. How can it be»? But she could never find an answer to that. Every time Svetlana tremulously waited for him to attend a class, always looked at him only and became captivated by his sight. She saw very strong feelings and could not do much with hers; everything that was left for her is to enjoy his presence and grant him what she felt deeply. She knew that Maxim understands her completely and it seemed as thought he knew her very well. Despite her age, she treated him like a close and loved person, not being able to control herself. She loved him like a man of her dreams. May be it took place because it seemed to her that his sincere love represented a love of a man to a woman. Every time, when Sveta saw Max, her soul was crying for their age difference and that she couldn’t turn the time back. Love could not bring them closer any longer. She felt disappointed but told herself calmly: «I need to call him today and give homework. Oh, and also to find out when he will be back to school». Sveta became excited and thought that Maxim could read her mind. She caught herself thinking that she enjoys this idea! She enjoys understanding from Maxim’s side, a feeling that he is always near her. Of course, she wished him to be near in reality and that unrealistic dreams did not let her relax. She suffered from the lack of opportunity to enjoy the feeling totally. Time was letting know about the grand difference between them when they were together. Svetlana tried to take a control many times and not let her feelings grow, or vice versa let them overwhelm her. However, none of the strategies worked. Unusual thoughts visited her head: «Could that be a purpose of my life? To understand this feeling, just like it is! Then why is he so much younger? Is that possible to perceive the power of love when you see another person each day»? She always answered negatively to the last question.
Svetlana looked at the phone for a long time before she picked it up. She was thinking of what to tell Maxim, but not being able to make up anything, she dialed the number.
– Hello!
«It is his mom probably», – thought the teacher.
– Hello, this is Svetlana Victorovna. Can I talk to Maxim?
– Yes of course, please hold on, it will be a white till he gets to the phone…
– Oh, ok, I’ll wait!
She was getting anxious, but tried to get herself together.
– Hello I am listening; – confidence in Max voice helped her.
Sveta remained quiet, confused in thoughts and feelings.
– Maxim! This is Svetlana Victorovna calling. How are you feeling? – «Dear», – Max finished her phrase and replied:
– At this point I feel ok but I have to wear gypsum for a while. Then I’ll need to learn how to walk again, because foot muscles would become weak after two months. This is how I am doing. How are you doing? I feel nervousness in your voice.
– I am better, but still recovering. Do teachers give you classes at home?
– Yes. In algebra and chemistry. I was also told that you would be coming over too.
It was very difficult for her to reply but since she had no choice, she tried not to worry and replied:
– Maxim, I am very sorry but I won’t be able to visit you. I wish I could, but I haven’t felt great myself and missed over three weeks at work. Really, I want to give you home classes but I can’t. My apologies.
– I am sorry about that. I wanted to see you! When will we see each other?
– I can give you homework for now and check it when you back to school.
– Ok, I understand. I will keep doing exercises from the book then and do some literature reading. Classmates visit me so they will inform me of the program and help if that would be needed.
– Ok, Maxim, get well! Take care.
– I’ll miss you, – Max added and hang up, not being able to play with feelings of his beloved one.
Svetlana heard the phone tones for a while till they became irritating. She felt anxiety again and got angry at herself for not saying anything warm to Maxim, even thought she had a lot to say. Svetlana tried to get herself together again and remembered that after the surgery she needs to stay in bed. What is the point to torture yourself when you are so weak? Lying at the couch, she had another cigarette, turned on the quite music and tried to breathe evenly. She felt how her heartbeat and breath are getting normal. Svetlana put away unfinished cigarette, watching it producing smoke, and then felt the weakness in the body and later freedom from it.
VIII
– What did she want, Maxim? What did she ask? Maxim! Do you listen to me?! – Valentina Nikolaevna tried to reach out to her son. She was watching his rapidly changing mimics with surprise and couldn’t believe how fast his mood and face can alter. She became concerned that he was silent and didn’t move. “What should I do?!” – She was worried, and after looking at herself in the mirror started to worry even more. All of the sudden Valentina Nikolaevna realized that if her son remained still and silent, she wouldn’t be able to contain herself and would blow up. She came close to him, touched by the shoulder and asked: – Maximochka, what is wrong dear?
Instead of giving an answer, Maxim looked in the mirror at himself and his mom and understood the reason of her fear. Leaning on the self-made crutch, he left for his room without saying a word. He was walking down the hall slowly, fighting pain and dizziness, holding to the walls sometimes and taking breaks when dizziness was getting worse. Valentina watched him with astonishment and she had a feeling that she was watching his whole life passing by. Just like that, despite all hardships and difficulties, her son would be overcoming all life problems. With hard effort but so confidently, oh God! He would be able to achieve everything! Valentina Nikolaevna, with horror in eyes and pain in the heart suddenly understood that her son – almost mature man, and very soon she would lose him from life. He became dissolved in the adult life which would swallow him, just like her and the rest of people. Mother felt uncomfortable-she realized that everything started with that phone call and started to cry soundlessly, so that Maxim would not hear from his room. She felt down and tears were shedding even more. Very disappointed, she went to the bathroom and washed with cold water. Looking at herself in the mirror, Valentina Nikolaevna said to herself: «Why am I being stupid and keep on crying? I need to be glad for my son! Help him out. Gosh, what is going on with me? Why is it affecting me so strongly? What is happening»? Cold water made her calm down, so when she left the bathroom she proceeded to Maxim’s room.
After turning off the music and closing algebra book, mother sat next to her son. Putting away pen and notebook, Max looked at the mother sitting near and noticed by her reddish face that she was crying and worried about him. He always felt bad when the most precious person in his life – his mom – is suffering so much because of him. He was getting frustrated with himself involuntary for giving even a little reason for concerns. He always tried to avoid it and be an adult. It was the right thing to do, but that was something that was scaring his mother. Maxim thought that she was afraid to loose him because he was growing up. However, if he started to act childishly she was becoming irritated: she started to yell at him, showing her disapproval and reminded that she considered him an adult and not the little kid. Maxim had no idea how to deal with the situation.