Roma had not felt loved, but on the contrary, felt rejected and lonely. But of course when he grew up, it was out of the question to talk about a simple warm conversation with his father. His father was somewhere deep in his anger, irritation, psychosis, blind wrong prejudices and baseless speculation, not realizing that love is power, life and victory.
Once my cousin got sick, and she had to visit one experienced intelligent psychologist. During the conversation, the psychologist, looking into my sister’s eyes, said: “Sometimes people get sick, because they do not know how to love. They learn to be humble and learn to love through their illnesses!” My cousin had been thinking for a long time what all this means is the phrase “learn to be humble and love.” She was not patient and was not afraid of offending anyone. There were no prohibitions and decrees for it. Buying things in the store, she could express to the seller everything she wanted in any situation, completely not caring what a person feels at the same time. In fact, my sister was always dissatisfied with something, was very touchy and like the fire kindled every little quarrel.
Once, when she was sitting with her friends and boasting how she could offend other people in a quarrel, her friend told her: “Me and Alexei never quarrel and do not offend each other.” My sister screwed up her eyes and lighted a cigarette, grinned and said in response: “You are boring.” Frankly, after examining my cousin, it became clear that she imitates almost all negative acts and habits. When she saw people with various physical disabilities in arms, legs, or the whole body, she made a squeamish face and said: “How terrible and disgusting they are. I cannot stand them!” My cousin did not understand many things, but she rejected many things from herself. She was very fond of giving out her advices to everyone, and for some reason she was sure that they were always right. She liked to teach people how they should live, believing for some reason that other adults’ lives were not right. But people who understood life better than she, listening to her advice and recommendations, often said in their minds: “What a stupid girl! She does not understand what she says!”
The psychologist, whom she addressed to, could not help her because a psychologist-woman did not know how to teach her to love. She simply did not know how to evoke a response from my obstinate, spiritually blind, pompous, psychotic sister. My cousin was expecting a magic pill from the psychologist, which was supposed to heal her, but she could not keep her ears open to the advice of an experienced psychologist because of not being adult enough, as well as having lack of inner inexperience, emptiness and because of incorrect psychological attitude to life.
When my sister left the hospital and saw one of the moms in the street gently embracing her son, she thought: “Oh! Children! They are intolerable. And why does she hug and embraces him on and on? Then he will grow into a worthless person.”
A few years ago, when we were walking with my sister along the street, and I helped one old lady to go upstairs with her bags, my cousin was very ashamed of this, and walked a few steps away from me, as if she was not familiar with me. Several years have passed since that moment, but nothing has changed. Katya, my sister, is still ashamed of the good and is not ashamed of stupid pride, insane anger, cruelty, extreme immorality and the lowest offenses. When my sister offends a person, she feels pleasure. This pleasure is like enjoying the reception of the most delicious food in the world. Now my sister is sick and wants to be healed of her illness very much. She is suffering. Maybe the illness can change my sister. After all, the people who were offended by her were even more afflicted. Two years ago, Katya became ill with the flu, which caused complications, as a result of which she had been suffering for about three months. After the illness it was possible to communicate pleasantly with Katya for about a month. After the illness, she became a completely different person. But after a while she returned to her former malicious, irritable, proud, touchy state. And a year ago she was very strongly bitten by an evil dog. And my sister became a little calmer again, more merciful, more harmless and a pleasant girl to communicate with. But after she got better again and started going to work, she returned to her former, angry, irritated, psychotic state. That change occurred right before my eyes. Every evening she came from work completely different. Probably it was not accidental that at work she had to communicate with people who did not like good and love. Accordingly, not having a love in her mind, my sister became like them after a short period of communicating with them. Only temporary suffering could stop her anger, grumbling and pride. Plus, my sister did not have any patience in herself. Once she reminded me my father, who once took Artem with him to build a garage. After a while, Artem asked his father to put a small piece of the wall on his own. Father let Artem do it. When Artem laid the first brick, and then the other, our father began to get irritated, as it was not satiscompany. Father began to scold him and offend unacceptably, and then, our father said to him: “You are a stupid fool!” He snatched a float from Artem’s hands, removed the crooked bricks that Artem had laid and, looking at Artem with an angry glance, shook his head and said: “Give a float to me, step aside and stay out of it! You are cack-handed. Can’t you see that the bricks lie hitchy? You’re completely blind!”
Artem, seeing his angry father, took a couple of steps back and, clutching his heel against the bricks, fell to the ground with his back and hit his head. Fortunately, the earth was not very tight and the headache passed in a few minutes. When Artem fell to the ground, he could not imagine that a metal pin was protruded in two centimeters from his head. Our father looked at Artem and on the protruding pin, and said irritably: “Look where you go.” Of course, our father did not even think about his son’s safety, without mentioning love for him. I remember how my father beat Artem in childhood. I cannot say that these beatings were ruthless and necessary for the upbringing with punishments. It was rather like a mad expulsion of one’s anger. Because, when somebody punishes a child, he/she does not beat with all the might on the nape, biting his/her lower lip from mental sadistic pleasure. And as a result, after such attacks on the head, children see sparks in their heads or fly off and strike at anything with their bodies. So, this happened once with Artem, and as a result he had a small scar left on the nape, for which he was pissed off as “a piggy bank” at the school.
Once I was told a similar story: “One man took a five-year-old son to work in the garden. Parents had to plant potatoes. Father was constantly talking about this potato. He used to sit for hours thinking about where to put it, where and how much to plant. This father often suddenly started talking about this potato and mixing psychosis, anger and irritation said: “And what is that you will eat in the winter?! Is it dry pasta?!” When they arrived at the cottage and laid out the potatoes, his little son began to throw potatoes in different directions. The father warned his child and told him: “If you once again throw potatoes somewhere, I will punish you for it!” His son stayed still almost five minutes. But then he took the potato again and threw it into the nearby vegetable garden. His father full of anger ran to his son, took him by the hand, set his teeth, pressed his lower lip and flung him aside. The child fell to the ground and hit his head on a sharp, medium-sized cobblestone, inconspicuous lying in the grass. Because of craniocerebral injury the child remained disabled for the rest of his life. His father has learned to love his son; he has been courting for him about ten years. Now this man tells other people that love is something that people can forget about and forever erase from their lives. He says that people need to remove irritation, hatred and anger from their hearts forever and settle attracting merciful love there. This man was like a former alcoholic who brought his body to a very serious illness because of drinking but now after suffering, having stopped drinking a person tells other people that they should also forget once and for all what drinking is. They should forget once and for all what beer, champagne and other alcoholic beverages are. Now this man was 100% sure that ten years ago he acted very badly. He gave way to insane anger, irritation, psychosis and made an irreparable mistake in his life, which he regrets every day and night. Almost every day this man sitting at night beside his son weeps bitterly. This man once said: “My father also did not understand what is most important in this life. I remember how he ran after me through the garden because we trampled as he said a beautiful berry bushes. I remember how I ran away from my father, stumbled and fell on the path of bricks, I rubbed my face, hands and knees,