today I found that classmate on a social network, about whom I remembered a little earlier. I found the guy who stood near the closet and said: “Why did you lock him there? The guy has a mother who loves him and does not want you to keep him in the closet.” The guy I found on the social network was married already. He had two beautiful children. I was not upset about this at all. On the contrary, I was happy for him. I was happy for their life and for the fact that their family is in good health. Why am I glad and not upset? Because I can love, but do not envy. He is happy and therefore I am glad that he is happy.
I want to meet a man with whom I could be really happy, and with whom I could live my whole life. I want to obey my husband implicitly. But I would certainly like to obey an intelligent and loving person. But where can I find such a man? In a park or a cafe? Or maybe in church? Or maybe just outside? What should be inside my chosen one? Probably, I need an ideal person with whom I would feel loved, protected and pacified. I do not want it to be like in some families, where people live by the principle – I do not interfere in your affairs, and you do not interfere into mine. I want only WE in the relationship with the spouse. And I want every day to be like a separate happy life.
I do not want my future husband to be like my father or that very grumpy, angry old man who grabbed somebody else’s potatoes, because there are people in the world who do not enjoy mutual love, but completely the opposite.
I remember that our father always told me and my younger brother that pity and love are the worst feelings and demanded from us that we should remember this forever. He liked to repeat the proverb "man is a wolf to man.” He also believed and taught us that in this life everyone defends his/her own interests, and the manifestation of kindness and sentimentality only soften the personality and make it weak. Strangely enough, but that’s what my father said. He often watched feature films about prison subculture and drew conclusions about the fact that strength, self-assertion, malicious gaze, revenge, resentment for offense and many other atrocities constitute the basis of a safe and peaceful life. It took me quite a long time to personally re-educate myself and learn to think and understand everything in a completely different way. Many of my father’s wrong, stupid words hid very deep inside me. He educated us in rudeness and cruelty, never gave us anything voluntarily, neither played any game with us, nor spoke to us, or rejoiced at our presence, he never looked with love into our eyes, and rarely, due to a sense of duty, grudgingly pretended to smile. He was always ready to a conflict. Even if some person parked his car in front of our entrance just for few minutes, he always shouted to him with anger: “I put my car here!”
Once, we made a gift to our father. We invited him to our grandmother, because there a surprise was waiting for him. We bought a big cake, and the following words were written on it: “Daddy, you are the only one, and we love you very much.” When our father came into the house and we gave him that cake with smiles on our faces, our father turned his face slightly aside and was ashamed to look into our eyes. Our father was ashamed of tenderness, kindness, love and mercy. Therefore, when we gave him this cake, the following was written on his face: “I cannot tolerate tender love, I feel like somebody has taken off my underpants in the presence of my children.”
Our father did not know what to talk about to us, did not know what to say or do something pleasant for us. His patience always lasted only for a few days. I saw how patiently he answered our children’s questions for about a week. That’s a given. It is necessary to endure and show feigned gratitude for such a hearty gift. When more than one week had passed, our father admired and triumphed that feigned love had become a thing of the past and he no longer needed to simulate this pretended love. Now he was completely free. He returned to selfishness, anger, irritation, psychosis, rage, swear words, humiliation, resentment, pride and to his drinks. Father also rarely said: “I get tired at work, so let me alone.” But what does work, fatigue and other hardships have to do with, if love breathes always and everywhere.
When my younger brother was taken ill and got to the hospital, our family hurled all efforts to help our Artem. Only our father did not show any initiative. He just stood with unhappy face and embarrassment and did not want to say a couple of affectionate words to his sick son. Our Artem recovered after some time, and he was discharged from the hospital and returned home. But our home without the father’s love does not look like a home. Our father lived in his own world, in a world of irritation, anger, rejection, constant resentment and humiliation.
What did our father feel when we were born? Of course, when our father was a little younger, he said: “My children got sick. And I’m their father! I will assemble all my internal powers and I will come to their room to embrace them, give them some medicines, and put my hand on their diseased body parts. I have to go to them. They are my own children!” But to our great regret, our father got squint to egoism, anger, endless psychosis, blindness, humiliation, resentment, pride and endless irritation. And a few years later, my father’s heart said: “Do not disturb me, and get out! I’m tired at work! It makes me furious! Get out of my way!!”
Our dad is a tough cookie and intolerable person. When my mother married him, she did not suspect that he would be like that. She always told us: “Our father was so tough when I married him. He became like that over time. And at first every man is normal!”.
Our dad had one friend whom he constantly listened to more than our mother. But this very friend later got into prison for some machinations with money. His friend was not able to present at the funeral of his father, because he was in prison. Only our father was at the funeral. His friend’s mother asked him: “Why did you allow your friend to go to jail and not see his father for the last time? Why?” But our father just stood and looked blank. He did not understand that one had to live with reason in his head. Our father knew that his friend was engaged in something illegal, but because of his indifference and stupidity, he did not tell his friend to stop. Our dad felt good being in an alcoholic delirium with his friend. But our father still considered himself the most intelligent person and considered his life normal, smirking and proudly being extolled before other people. Surprisingly he opened his eyes so wide when his friend’s mother told him, that probably there was a dry seed of reason gave a small green sprout in the head of our father. But will our father change? Will he be able to turn from the stupid into the intelligent one, from the spiteful and irritable to the loving and humble?
My mother also told me that when our father was young, he courted to her very nice and tried to look like a kind, intelligent and strong person. And then he was not that at all. When he achieved his goal, and our mother became his wife, my father relaxed and his inner evil, impatience, humiliation and psychosis merged into their relationship.
My parents often brawled and sorted out their relationships. I heard what they were arguing about and screaming at each other. Once I saw two small children who were quarreling with each other, unless it could be called a quarrel. One boy was 3,5 years old, the second one was only ten months. The elder brother pushed the younger and swore at him for grabbing his clothes and preventing play with toys. He tried to explain something to his little brother, and said, “Why did you touch me, don’t you see that I’m playing with toys, and you hinder me to play!” These guys did not understand each other, as well as my parents, due to the fact that no one wanted to stop the quarrel. While quarrelling they told each other insulting words. Loads of wicked and sarcastic expressions were composed in their minds. Each of them recalled the most evil moments of past quarrels.