instead of him. The following thoughts ran through his head: “What do you know and what do you see?” There was nothing more in his head, because he could not have any more thoughts. He did not answer my question. He was worried if he tells us the reason for putting an angry mask on his face, then we can see his kindness and jump on him like on a donkey and use his kindness and we will rant: “It is prohibited to be kind in this world. Man is a wolf to man.”
He thought that kindness was a shame. He thought that good is a weakness. He thought that his wife and I would inflict evil blows to his kind soul. His gaze was similar to a security guard’s one, and there was written on his face: “Do not come to me and do not say or do anything to me, otherwise you might be as good as dead.” One day he told our young company the following: “People are like dogs! When you show pity and good to them, they grow insolent and walk over, regarding pity and good as weakness. So in my world there is no place for good or pity. Yes! Yes! Like dogs! The first who will restrain the others is the leader! Yes! And here’s another thing! You guys leave your friendly hugs! I embrace only girls! Here is my territory! Keep away from me at arm’s length!”
The environment in which he grew up, as well as many years of imprisonment still took their toll. He did not have the core of love inside, mind and inner strength, so he broke down mentally. His love was hacked. It was beaten many times, and it could not stand these blows. Of course, his love had to be like a concrete wall, and not be like a blotter. But before he got to prison he did not have this concrete wall, because making a robbery attack on another person, he did not even have a blotter. He absolutely did not care what could happen to the person he gave a thump on the head and from whom he picked out his bag and purse..
His wife told me that he could not confide in her. He worries that she will strike at his weak spots, as people in his former country did, and how people who were with him in places of detention did. Therefore, when he went out into the street, he frowned and gave an imitation of an evil animal’s frightening look. But imitating an angry frightening look, he only hurt everyone around him, carrying evil in his eyes, and was also tired of playing this evil role. But the actors who play the villains and show that evil is always wrong, that evil always loses and is unacceptable in the life of every person, they get paid and bring the money to their family, pleasing their relatives with love and prosperity. But the evil deterrent and killing love glance does not bring money, sense, goodness, and love in the real life. Evil disfigures a person and deprives him of pleasure and enjoyment from pure love. But it is interesting to note that he did not have good friends. All his friends were evil. I do not even want to remember the day when he introduced us to some of his friends. It was strange that he unclosed to his friends and trusted them more than us and all other kind people. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. Perhaps, his words which were said once have no explanation too: “I’ve seen a lot in this life, you’ll never understand this”. When he pronounced these words, he felt like some kind of cool person who saw and felt something that others never even felt before. Probably, the person to whom he gave a thump on the head while committing a robbery attack also now tells how he was robbed and tells his friends that they did not even dream about it.
I remember how my brother was bitten by a dog, and he told all his friends how tough he was. He told his friends that they would never have sustained such a dog attack and could not have fought with it. With these words he only discombobulated and offended his friends, just as my friend’s husband had already offended me with his gaze by my now quondam friend. Why quondam? Just because I could not continue to communicate with them. After communicating with them I degenerated and felt grayness, emptiness and disgust towards their company inside me. Laughter over immorality, booze, rudeness and all the rest madness was alien to me. Our roads had to disperse urgently. But if a person has not been bitten by a dog, if a person has not serve in the army, if a person has not
serve time in jail, if a person has never been at war and collect his guts near a burning tank, then such a person would not be the coolest? Of course not! It’s like stupidity! I somehow asked this comrade: “And should not my brother be imprisoned to make you respect him and should I be imprisoned with him?” When he heard this question, he did not answer for a few seconds, because he knew that I was a very smart girl. He knew that if he answered as he thought, then he would just look stupid. Therefore, he was ashamed to answer the question correctly, because he wanted to think quite differently, as he actually thought. After that, he did not want to communicate with me at all. Of course, he does not want to communicate with me. After all, I give people the mind and love, while he gives the wish to other guys to stay in prison and become cool. When the conversation came about the prison, he proudly replied: “I’ve been there and I know what it is. You will never understand it.” He deliberately exposed his hands with tattoo and told inwardly, lighting a cigarette: “I’m cool, because I was there”. My brother also told me repeatedly: “I hung on the balcony and jumped off the second floor. You will never repeat what I‘ve done.”
The comrade of my ex-friend understood in his mind that he told people bad things. He understood that from his words people might have a desire to follow in his footsteps, understood that many of them would want to make tattoos and many would want to learn jargon, but still said this because he wanted to distinguish himself and feel good. When young very beautiful and attractive girls said about him: “Look what a tough guy,” then the next day this fellow would show all his tattoos and tell what each of them means. These girls liked this and, the next day, he no longer hesitated to hide his tattoos, but on the contrary, he set them forth. But was it right? I do not think so at all. Is criminal and prison life romantic? No, it isn’t. It’s a big mistake of real life. And it isn’t worth to play in jail, as there is a probability that the entire saint can hide inside, and an evil and proud look, a smoking cigarette, a demonstration of tattoos and so on will be at the level of high flying birds.
When I get married, my husband will not regret that he married me, and will not live without love. I won’t remind him about his weak points and will always love him. Honestly speaking, the relationship between people is the most difficult relationship in the world. But when the basis of relations consists of pure love and mind, then there are no difficulties at all. There is only pleasure from the mind and love. But not only simple love should be inside a person. There should be a patient and humble love. One person asked me: “And where is the patience?” I answered: “And what do you need to love people?” He, having understood, answered: “Patience.”
Every person wants to see only ideal people around him. But if a person sees imperfection in another man, will he really consider him a fool? Will he laugh and tease him? Of course, it’s impermissible. Without showing patience to such people we just destroy love itself. Almost every day my little brother made some mistakes. But I didn’t hurry to be angry with him and humiliate him for it. On the contrary, with patience and with love I tried to show him his mistakes, and teach to what misdemeanors and sins can lead to. Although our father constantly got angry when he heard the word “sin”, I still told my brother that all evil is a sin. Anger, irritation and psychosis offend a person, but love shows mistakes and set on the right path with pleasure. Love teaches, prompts and helps.
What is the basis of child-rearing? Of course, patience and love! I have always admired and surprised with people who work as educators and teachers. How much patience do all these teachers need? But still, some of them are surprised when they are asked a question about patience. Such people answer: “Oh, what patience can you talk about?” I like to play with the kids and teach them, as well as for to spend time with them! Just look, how they pull their hands toward you and look at you with their loving eyes. So, why do you ask about patience?” But some people get panic and even feel irritation, anger and displeasure,