to an insult. Many people can share this point of view with her. People insult and humiliate, and this is just your normal reaction. For example, her mother, just look at her and ask herself: ‘How can you ever love such mothers who offend their children with the sarcastic words and just unbearably irritate them with their grumbling?’ Their mother was not perfect, so they could not love her. Their mother was like your mother. She, like your mother, forced them to do something about the house and did not allow them much and interfered into their lives. So outbursts of anger and murmur are quite normal. How else to react to maternal injustice, grumble and endless breathing down your neck? And anyway, aren’t you interested in talking to this girl, who is called your friend, about other people? Don’t you feel how you wish to be sweetly exalted and condemn some friend or person you do not know angrily smirking at the same time? After all, this is the only enjoy for many people. And is there something else to please your soul?! It is impossible to eradicate this desire as well as to close your malicious outraged mouth forever in order not to insult anyone. It’s like trying to overcome gravitation by your own forces!!!”
But after a while the image of kind thoughts, like the voice of love, told me: “These are your own mothers who constantly take care about both of you.” Why should they be offended?! Remember how they did not sleep with you at nights, how they cared and protected you. They are your own beloved mothers. And with your love you can heal your friend. In your friend’s heart there is still a proud condemnation, discontent, anger instead of love, and at any conversation she always wishes to condemn someone and look brainy. But you should love her very much, heal her with your love and she will become completely different.”
Now I’m not married yet. But I yearn to meet a man who has love in himself. Our mistake is that we are not the first to show love but we expect it from others forgetting that by showing love we can heal people by our deed or word. Giving this love to another person we only awaken him from sleep and fill his heart with love. In recent years I’ve thought a lot about love, good, mercy and evil. I had thousands of questions that I would like to receive answers to. But two questions bothered me most. “Why can I love and then hate one and the same person? Why don’t many people want to love me first? “But if a lot of people do not want to love me first or do not want to love me the way I am, will I really suffer from it and inspire myself with hatred, anger, resentment or something else? If they influence me, it will not be love anymore. From whom should this love come when two people meet each other? If for example my future husband does not have this love in himself but only will do something to please me for a while of course, I will find out it immediately in a very short time. A person can say that he loves someone, you know. He can also suggest that other people should love each other but it is quite possible that he doesn’t have this love in himself, may not wish to acquire it for himself, may not have patience, humility and love but only a flurry of grievances, aching grudge, anger, pride and discontent. But if it is so, I will try to give him love anyway. After all, how many times I had to see how young couples without ending the squabble and on the contrary, adding fresh fuel to a quarrel, said insane things and then they simply regretted about it. I did not want to be like them. I needed love, and I wanted to have love in myself. But if, as I have already said several times before, someone said something insulting to me, then I like a balloon inflated by air filled with insulting hatred, covetousness and cruel anger. I clenched my fists and just imagined how I smothered my abuser. And again for several weeks I couldn’t cope with it. The evil mind told me: “How can you love people who abase you?! How can you?! They walk all over you and they are worth being hated with fierce hat red. They are worth being tormented and torn into pieces in your heart. When you are offended again you without any hesitation say to your heart: “Oh, they are not good! But now I’ll tell them in return!!! Now I will revenge them…". Insulted anger is always on the tip of one’s tongue. It wanted to hurt my nearest and dearest and did not want to spare anybody. A lot of people who saw me in this state said that I was a very wicked girl… I was especially angry with my neighbors who seemed to be different. But always after my spiteful words I tried somehow to justify myself telling everyone that I was simply very much offended, hurt, gone into personals and angered. But one day I finally realized that offence was not guilty for my attitude towards people, but I was guilty myself, because it was I who let out all the evil that lives in me.
When I multiplied violent speeches, multiplied condemnation and murmur my heart began to fill with anger and darkness. But how can we get out of the dark if in this life we are constantly offended, hated or simply rejected by someone?
How can we learn to love? Many people neglect this feeling and do not want to love or do not believe in love, saying that everyone is looking for only a profit in this life. Some people arrogantly make fun of the word “love” as several years ago I used to do. But after a few years, I grew up a bit, stopped joking with life and began to perceive reality adequately, where every word, every thought and deed determines who you really are, determine your future destiny in this and in the next life. So, I began my way to love.
There was one family living next door. It looked unremarkable, but it was for those who did not know them. I remember when they were not married yet, her current husband paid his addresses to my neighbor. After a while, they arranged a wedding, and I saw the joy and the love that shone on their faces. Natasha, that was her name, was very kind and good, and her kindness and sincerity set her apart from most girls. She found a kind word for each person and she was ready to provide the necessary assistance at any moment. She knew how to love and treat with mercy to people around her. But Natasha was not happy with her husband for a long time. She did not know what evil and what hatred were. Subsequently, all this evil originated in her husband. And all this gradually grown evil was imperceptible. He let it into his heart by himself. At first, I noticed that my friend’s husband had no love for his child. He almost never talked with his son. He only spoke to him occasionally so as to make the other people think that he was a loving father. He never looked cherishingly into the eyes of his son, never hugged him and never smiled to him. When I saw his son looking at his father with anticipation of holy love, my heart suffered. I realized that my mother, father and other people like this child expect only love from me. But every time I looked at my father, I also realized that it’s not easy and even hard to love some people. Many people languish for love, but they do not want to give up their sinful habits and deeds.
Once I saw from the window of my house how the father of this little child ran to his two-year-old son, grabbed him by the collar, lifted him up a little, squeezed his throat and gave him a spanking. The baby’s body flew from every father’s spank, almost a meter ahead and a little bit upward. I did not hear the cries of the baby, although my window was slightly ajar. He could not scream for one simple reason – his throat was squeezed. Only after his father blew up at his son, he was able to let him go. Baby fell to the ground and through tears and cough tried to catch his breath. I was shocked. Everything happened so quickly that I did not even have time to shout something out of the window. Or maybe I could not cry out something because my heart just caught a shock. I remember when I was bitten by a dog, and I could not move my foot, because a wave passed from my leg led to the numbness of the whole body. When the kid rose from the ground rapidly breathing and chocking with tears, he ran to his father and hugged him. But his dad just pretended that he was pitiful to his son. The little boy had no one else to run after love and cure the physical pain, so he ran to his father to be pitied.
In a few seconds I realized why my cheerful neighbor had not been shining brightly with joy for the last few years. I thought that there was another reason. I thought that she had become a serious, caring, silent married woman, but I was wrong. Her marriage turned into a very intense suffering and experience. A couple of minutes later I ran out into the yard and approaching this man, said: “What are you doing, you almost strangled your son! Are you able to beat your children?!” When I said this, tears flowed from my eyes and my hands trembled violently. His son looked back at me and tried to hide from me somewhere deeper into father’s arms, thinking that now I would strangle and beat his father. He loved father very much and he wanted