lived like that for a few years, I got tired of all this inner evil and I hated all this evil and once again said to myself: “I cannot live like this anymore! I want only peace and good. I’m tired of suffering from the evil that lives inside me. My love should conquer and survive among all existing evil and start a new, pure, bright life, because evil never brings anything good. Evil brings the most terrible suffering to everyone. Evil has always been evil. I do not want to do any harm to anybody. I also do not want other people to do something evil to me. If a human learns the science of survival in this world, for me it’s time to master the science of love, and the science of evil will be left behind forever. I will fight for love! I really want to love and be loved!!! “After these words I began my journey to love. I joined the fight for the sake of love. But, of course, when all the evil forces of the universe found out about it, they started to fuss and tried to get me back into my former state, because now I like me much more than I was before. For several years I was the embodiment of their evil dream. But I must cope with evil and must win.
I really wanted to love. Many people I know were defeated in the battle for love. But can I win this battle?
What is there in the wish list of many people? There is everything that a human usually wants, namely: beautiful and expensive cars, money, houses, apartments, business, health, fame, beautiful face and body, a desire to go or not to go to work, a desire to go abroad, a desire of peace, a desire to have a child and many other different desires.
My friends once wrote for me about their desires on sheets of paper. Their wish lists had all the expected desires except the only one. None of them wrote about the desire to love other people, to accept and love them as they are. Some of them wrote that they want to be loved, appreciated and protected. But, unfortunately, no one wrote or said such words: “I do not want to hate all people or be indifferent to my children, husband, wife, father, mother, friends and all other people. On the contrary, I want to feel strong but tender and sweet love for them. I do not want them to love me without reciprocity. I want to love them very much, even if they do something bad to me or say something insulting. I want to have a constant, tender and strong love in my heart. I want to love all people very gently and strongly.”
But, alas, this was not written. Maybe my friends forgot about such a feeling as love. Or maybe they just do not need it. Or maybe they have never met with it before. Why is it so?
Very often people are simply ashamed of this most true holy love. Very often love is hampered by pride, hatred, resentment and irritation. Sometimes people come up with different reasons for loving nobody on the earth. And who can answer the question: “what is love”?
I remember the words of my friend, who told me once: “Yes, Elena! You’re right! We should love all the people, especially our close relatives. I realized that when I buried my mother. Then, standing at her coffin, I realized that I did not love her as I should have to do. I remembered all the offences that I caused. And I was very sorry. I wanted to erase all the pain and not to remember the mother’s tears because of my cruelty, stiffness, stupidity and because of my insulting words that constantly came to her like a bird that crashed slap-bang into the window. I would like to see her alive now, I would like to come to my mother and present her something, embrace her, apologize and say that I love her very much. But, unfortunately, you can neither turn the time back and nor correct anything. My brother also wept bitterly at the funeral, and afterward he remembered how much he had offended our mother. He paid attention to one incident when he brought our mother to an infraction, telling her one insulting word. After the funeral, he said: “Mom loved me, took care for me, raised, worried about me, and what have I done? I was rude to her constantly. I promised that I would not do like that, but the only things I gave her were insults, quarrels, anger and proud smirks. Forgive me, my mother!“He stood at her grave and asked for her forgiveness, but our mother did not hear him. For some reason, he could not ask forgiveness when our mother was alive, but standing at the grave, he cried and remembered all the pain that he had brought to her and greatly regretted about it. He regretted that he could not turn the time back to ask her forgiveness and say how much he loved her. After the funeral, he even changed for the better. But, of course, my brother does not hesitate to tell me the same offensive words that he told our mother. At the funeral I also remembered all the resentments that I inflicted to other people. I remembered how I offended my classmates, neighbors, random passers-by, colleagues, and also I remembered how I offended with various ridicule and different words the guests which came to us from another country, until one of their Asiatic brethren drove away a very evil dog that attacked my brother on the street. Only after that I calmed down a little. I used to think that I did the right thing, but now I realized that I was deeply mistaken. I lived my life improperly. My mother did not say about me: “What a lovely, kind, sweet, loving daughter.” Neither could I say about my mother. That’s how we lived our lives without love. It’s a great pity that I offended my mother.”
This is the story told to me by my old friend about her family. She told me that she and her brother regretted that they had offended their mother and had not told her how much they loved her. My friend told me that she insulted her mother the same way that her brother offended her. But in order to offend someone, you should first let in your heart some kind of malice and after that pour out the evil resentment to your near and dear. I do not know what kind of relationship she has with her husband, but I know that my friend, like her brother, has no love to people. Even while a conversation with me she switched to condemning her brother, exposing herself smarter than he. It would not hurt if she starts with herself. After all, if someone asks her about good and love, then what can she attach to her good report? Sinful words against her mother, slanting evil looks or something else? What will she attach to her life?
After the death of her mother she, of course, regretted that she could not give her that true love, but she continued to treat her brother and husband just as she treated her mother. She did not take any lessons from her mother’s funeral. Only for a few days my friend has been a little bit different. She shut her screaming mouth for a few days and reduced her tone to a minimum, because it’s not proper to swear and change the tone right after such an event as a funeral.
My old friend saw only flaws in her brother, in her husband, and in the people around her. She absolutely did not want to and did not know how to find and see the good in a person. Very soon she forgot about good deals that people have done for her, and always focused only on the worst things that lived in other people. To be honest, she lost interest in communicating with me, after I stopped listening to her evil gossips and speculations about other people. Once, on her wicked and hateful talk about our acquaintances I replied: “Well, why are you so harsh with them? Maybe it’s worth seeing them as good ones, and those things that you are talking about can be left in the past, and you will never touch them again. Maybe we will talk about something good?”
She did not expect at all to hear such words. She looked at me with her angry eyes and after a few minutes she went home, trying her best to show me how she did not like my words. Of course, this was not the only time when she behaved quite differently from what love demands. Sometimes it was possible to expect surprises from her which are worse. So, once again, when I met her, I just listened to how she blames her brother in everything, says that he does not know how to love his wife, how she says that her husband does not know how to love her, and how she calls all the people stupid and humiliated them. But if she knew how to love, her words and deeds regarding me, her brother, her husband, her mother and other people would be the opposite. It is not right to throw stones in other people when you live in a glass house. My friend needed love. She liked people who could show love for others. She liked people who had love in them. My friend was a double-minded person. She dreamed of love, but when someone insulted her, she began to curse the person who insulted her and was like the most