under a grievous disease, and being, as she thought, nigh unto death, she would fain see me before she died. So I straightway made all things ready for my journey, and having bidden farewell to my uncle, I set sail on the morrow from Alexandria, and on the fifth day arrived in Jerusalem; where, according to my mother’s desire, I purposed to offer sacrifice unto the Lord, and to make vows for my mother’s health.
The sun was well nigh set when I came to Jerusalem. But on the morrow, as I went up to the Temple through the narrow ways, amid the throng of them that sold oxen and sheep and doves, new thoughts and doubts rose in my heart, such as I had never felt before when I had gone up to sacrifice during the three great feasts. Methought the Lord must needs turn His face from so much traffic and disorder and defilement of His Holy House. On both sides of the gate Horæa, as far as Solomon’s porch, were shops of merchants and stalls of money-changers. Even in the Court of the Gentiles, which is a part of the Temple itself, there were penned flocks of sheep and oxen, with drovers and salesmen. Pilgrims and proselytes from all parts pressed and thronged; buyer reviled seller, and seller buyer; from the stalls of the money-changers one might hear the clink of money mixed with the sounds of contention. The stench also of so many cattle, being increased by reason of the great heat, made the ill-savour of the place almost past bearing. Also I could not but marvel at the greediness of the sellers. For the Chief Priests had let out the right of selling offerings at a great price, to make profit thereof for themselves, insomuch that a single dove was sold for a gold piece.
Then, again, when it came to the offering of the sacrifice, I must needs wait for the space of an hour whilst others were offering up their sacrifices; and the Levites and priests seemed all in haste, and did their work rather as an handicraft than as worship; and many others were sacrificing at the same time, and the cries and struggles of the victims, and the smoke and reek of the fat, and the blood flowing on all sides, caused the place to seem rather like a butcher’s shambles than like the House of the Lord. Now all this I had known and seen aforetime, yet had I never taken it to heart. But now there came to my mind certain words of Philo touching the sect called the Essenes, how they worship the Lord with an exceeding carefulness of purity: wherefore they think it not meet to sacrifice the blood of beasts unto the Lord, but they offer up their own hearts, purified so as to be a fit offering for Him. Also at this time (perchance because I was but freshly come from the lecture-rooms of the philosophers of Alexandria, or belike because the Lord would have it so to be, willing by easy degrees to open mine eyes, and to reveal unto me His Messiah) so it was that I could think of naught but the words of Isaiah the Prophet wherein the Lord saith, “I am full of the burnt offerings of rams, and the fat of fed beasts, and I delight not in the blood of bullocks, or of lambs, or of he-goats.” These words, I say, so possessed my soul that, even when the victim was being slain, I could not refrain from repeating them to myself again and again; albeit against my will, being fearful to pollute the sacrifice of the Lord. But though I made shift to dissemble my trouble until the sacrifice was ended, for fear of offending the priests, yet when I had returned to my lodging in the city, I could not forbear weeping; for behold, all worship seemed as vanity, and the children of men were in mine eyes as beasts of the field, void of understanding and given over to all folly; and God was He that had made them thus. Therefore I cried aloud in the fervency of my passion and said, “It is written, ‘On three things the world is stayed: on the Law, and on the Worship, and on the Bestowal of Kindnesses;’ and lo, I know not the interpretation of the Law; and worship is naught but vanity; and as for kindness, my heart is dry and empty of love, so that there is no kindness in me.”
On the third day after the sacrifice, I came to Sepphoris. My mother was so far recovered of her sickness that she was no longer despaired of by the physicians. For the time, my joy thereat, and our rejoicing together (because the Lord had suffered us to look on one another again) drove away my former searchings of heart: which notwithstanding presently came back upon me. My mother took a delight in my continual presence, and that I should sit by her bed, expounding unto her passages of the Law; and many a time, while I was doing this, she would make mention of the title wherewith I had been honoured by Rabbi Jonathan, who had called me “the plastered cistern.” But oftentimes it was not in my heart to find any words of comfort or hope, and when my mother longed for the draughts of the Law I felt that I was a dried-up cistern, and no longer full.
At the last, on a certain morning, my mother, having (as I suppose) noted my silence before, spake aloud reproving me, albeit gently, and saying, “Why flow not the drops of refreshment from the plastered cistern as in former days?” But I replied in haste, “Call me no longer, O my mother, a cistern. For lo, I am become even as a strainer, which letteth out the wine and keepeth in itself nothing but the dregs.” Then my mother wept bitterly, thinking that she had angered me, and that I had spoken falsely; and I also wept, partly for that I had made her weep, but still more because my words were true.
Then went I forth hastily into the street; and meeting Jonathan the son of Ezra, and Abuyah the son of Elishah, I accompanied them. And we came to the well that is on the road to Nazareth, about a thousand paces from the town, and there we sat down to rest. For a time we were silent. Then I turned to Rabbi Jonathan and said, “Simeon the Just was of the remnant of the Great Synagogue. He used to say, ‘On three things the world is stayed: on the Law, and on the Worship, and on the Bestowal of Kindnesses.’ Now there was a certain young man which observed the Law, and worshipped duly in the temple. Also he clothed the naked, and buried them that lay unburied, and fed the hungry: but there was no kindness in his heart. Is such an one, therefore, in the path of righteousness?” Then Abuyah replied at once, “He is righteous. For it is written concerning the statutes and judgments of the Law of the Lord that whosoever doeth them shall live in them; but whether he shall do them easily or with difficulty, or gladly or sorrowfully, concerning this, behold, nothing is written.” But Jonathan the son of Ezra was silent for a while, and said at last, “Antigonus of Soko used to say, ‘Be not as slaves that minister to their lord with intent to receive recompense; but be ye as slaves that minister to their lord without thought of recompense; and let the fear of Heaven be upon you.’ ”
Then I replied, “True, oh my Master; but ought not the love of Heaven as well as the fear of Heaven to be upon us? For is it not said, ‘Learn for love, and honour will come in the end’?” “Thou speakest well,” said Jonathan, “and it is written also as the chief of all the commandments, ‘Thou shalt love the Lord thy God, and Him only shalt thou serve.’ ” Then I said, “But what if a man feel no love of God in his heart? For I have met lately certain of the Gentiles, yea, and some also of our own nation, which have no love of God; whereof some even constantly say that there is no God. Yea, and even in mine own heart arise strange questionings as to whence I came into this world, and whither I am going, and before whom I am to give account and reckoning.”
Then Abuyah brake forth again: “Joseph son of Simeon, busy not thyself with questions that are too high for thee: for it is said ‘Whosoever shall consider four things, what is above, below, before, behind, it were better for him that he had not come into the world.’ ” “Yea, but,” said I, smiling, “it is said by the Wise, ‘Consider three things, and thou wilt not come into transgression, Know whence thou earnest; and whither thou art going; and before whom thou art to give account and reckoning.’ ” Hereat Abuyah arose hastily from his seat in sore displeasure, and he said, “Child, thou hast defiled thyself by going to a city of the Gentiles which is not a place of the Law; for it is said, ‘Two that sit together without words of the Law are a session of scorners;’ and again, ‘Betake thyself to a place of the Law, and say not that it shall come after thee, for thine associates will confirm it unto thee: and lean not unto thine own understanding.’ Howbeit, I thank thee, O Lord my God and God of my fathers, that Thou hast cast my lot among them that do frequent the schools and synagogues, and not among such as frequent the theatre and the circus. For both I and they work and watch: I to inherit eternal life, but they for eternal destruction.” So saying he departed, and left me alone with Jonathan the son of Ezra.
Jonathan sat still by my side saying naught, but gazing up into the heaven, or else upon the trees round about us. For all around us were orange-trees and pomegranate-trees; the leaves thereof scarce to be seen for the multitude of white and scarlet blossoms; for the spring was now something worn. The fields also and the gardens and the hedges of cactus, by reason of the rains, were of a marvellous verdure,