are saying and I think you are right. You don’t have enough money, so give up and stop dating altogether, then you’ll have more time to pick out the small apartment where you are destined to die alone. (Make sure it has no windows or a view of the alley where the dumpsters are.) Or you can A) not worry about girls who are only interested in guys with money, B) figure out ways to be creative with the money you have and C) figure what kind of life you want to have. But before you do all that I’d say you should take a good long look at how you feel about women because from your letter it seems like you hate all of them as well as yourself. With all due respect I don’t know anyone that would sign up with someone with that attitude and lack of self-esteem. You’re surrounded by women all day—that’s a giant opportunity that not all guys have and if you took advantage of it and learned how to be charming and funny instead of pissed off at all the women you’re surrounded by you’d probably be in high demand for dates instead of being rejected by them. And by the way there are far more attractive things than money, like for instance confidence. You should try to get some of that. It’ll get you further in life than a wad of cash.
THE CHICK THAT ROCKED IT
I’m not going to pretend that I’ve never been the kind of guy that doesn’t take advantage of a good opportunity with girls. I don’t know if it’s a “Daddy” thing or what but some girls let you walk all over them or treat them like shit. When we were still in college the guys would all sit around and compare notes about it. So after college I expected that it would probably be different once I was in the business world working with professionals instead of sorority girls. But even the most successful women are so starved for male attention that they’ll let you go all the way without even promising them a phone call. It’s wild. So I was riding the wave of no strings attached for many years until I met Susan. Susan wasn’t having any of my bullshit and wasn’t even kind of amused by it. For the longest time I couldn’t figure out what it was that made her different but I was so fascinated by her. She was smart, sexy and confident, which is great, but I had been with women like that before. She was pretty-ish but had a good size nose that she should have been self-conscious about but wasn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and she couldn’t care less about me. I tell you I have never worked so hard for a first, second or third date as I did to get Susan to go out with me. The more time I spent with her the more I was intrigued by her, but it wasn’t until years later when we were living together that I finally figured out why she was different from every girl I had ever dated before. She liked herself and didn’t need my approval in the slightest bit. So I married her before she could realize that I lacked those qualities myself and I hope that I somehow get to learn them from her before she figures me out. Why women settle for scraps I’ll never understand, but as long as they do guys are happy to reap the benefits from it.
Tim
Denver, CO
IT WORKED FOR ME!
I met you guys at a singles mixer for “It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken” in Seattle. During a Q&A session I told you about my last relationship with a verbally abusive man and the subsequent breakup of it and you were both very supportive of my decision to leave (a decision I was regretting at the time). When you spoke to me one of you said that I didn’t think I deserved anything better than being in an abusive relationship and I told you that you were wrong. You continued to challenge me on that idea and it really hurt my feelings because I like to think of myself as a pretty together person who likes herself. But when I got home that night I looked at the pictures in frames around my house, seeing images of myself as a little girl with my parents and at various stages of my life and I burst into tears. I cried for a long time and it was a therapeutic crying jag but during it, or maybe what caused it, was the realization that you were right. If I really felt like I deserved better I wouldn’t have stood for the abuse as long as I did and it wouldn’t have been hard to leave. So it’s a few years later now and I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself and seeing a therapist to try to figure out why I constantly compromise myself for others that wouldn’t do the same for me. I feel like a different person, a clearer person and a more confident and valuable person. Today I’m happy to write to you to tell you that I’ve met a wonderful man who loves and reveres me as much as I do myself and we’re getting married this fall. (Please see the enclosed invitation.) I hope you can attend because you really did change my life, but no need to bring a gift as you’ve already given me one.
Mavis
Kirkland, WA
FIRST PERSON SINGLE by Amiira
I settled for pieces of the pie for a long time in my romantic history. If there was a guy with only few of the qualities I was looking for but loads of the ones I wasn’t, then I was on board! Or better yet, if there was a guy who wasn’t ready to commit but could muster up just enough effort to string me along, then sign me up! That’s my man! But don’t tell him he’s my man because it might scare him off. Anything that felt bad and made me insecure was worth the effort because if I could just get the person who doesn’t love me to love me then I would know for sure that I am good enough. Good enough for what? Seriously. What is it that I’m looking for and why do I think that this asshole that makes me feel less than or inadequate is not only better than me but has the answers? Why does someone else hold the key to my self-esteem? That’s the revelation I finally had after yet another disappointing quasi-relationship with someone who had such bad qualities that it was almost comical. It takes one of those to give you the proverbial smack up side the head so that you can give your brain a good shake and get all the self-loathing out. You have to continually hit the reset button on your life to make you consciously start making better choices because no one else can do it for you. Look, it’s hard to be in a relationship where there’s an imbalance of feelings. I know it because I’ve been on both sides of that imbalance and neither of them is really that comfortable. At least when you’re the one least invested you don’t feel the panic and inadequacy of when you’re on the losing end of the “Please Love Me Enough” equation. But being uncomfortable in your relationship is symptomatic of not only that you’re in the wrong relationship but that you aren’t in a good space with yourself. Continuing to be in bad relationships where you feel not good enough, unloved, and insecure or anything other than consistently great is like having a gambling addiction. Every day thinking the next will be the turning point where things will stabilize and be great is the same thing as thinking that the next hand of cards is going to make you the big winner when in fact you’re just slowly giving yourself away. It’s denial in a truly profound sense because you participate in it daily and you know it even if it’s only on a gut level that shows itself in the discomfort you feel being riddled with self-doubt.
It’s hard to say why it took me so long to like myself enough to gracefully refrain from engaging in self-doubting relationships, but once I had figured it out it was an undeniable truth that I could not turn back from. No one knows better than I do about me and because of that I don’t need anyone to validate me. I am free. I am powerful. I am worthy. I am lovable. And people around me know that I know that about myself. It only took me ten years to get there but because I got there I found the best relationship for me and now I get the rest of my life to feel good.
THOUGHTS FROM MAN CITY
What attracts a man to a woman? Cleavage! The End.
Okay that’s not really what I want to say. It’s really an almost impossible question to answer. Probably because the answer lies in what each individual man is looking