have a powerful system of internal radar for detecting emotional tension in other people, particularly our mates. It is as if we are always on guard, watching for anything that might threaten the integrity of our relationship from the outside, or from the inside. So when we ask you “What’s wrong?” or suggest we talk about a problem, it’s NOT because we are trying to “stir things up” or ruin your peaceful evening; it’s NOT because we are nervous and paranoid, and are simply overreacting. It’s because we feel something is off between us, or something is going on inside of you, and we want to make sure that nothing goes undetected that could hurt us or come between us. It’s because we care so much, and don’t want to lose you.
WHAT WOMEN WOULD LIKE MEN TO DO:
How can you apply these suggestions to situations that come up in your relationship? Here’s a chart for men with very specific suggestions for how to keep what you’ve learned in mind and respond to your partner with more compassion and less judgment. Remember: Understanding that a women puts love first means seeing her behavior from this new point of view, rather than simply dismissing it as insecurity or neediness.
HOW MEN CAN RESPOND WHEN THEY REMEMBER THAT WOMEN PUT LOVE FIRST
INCIDENT: Your girlfriend tries to make plans with you for an upcoming weekend.
| Old Responses | New Responses |
| “Why can’t you just be spontaneous?” | “You’re so sweet to want to spend time with me.” |
| “Why do you always have to plan everything?” | “Thank you for thinking about this in advance. It will be fun.” |
INCIDENT: Your wife says she was worried when you didn’t call when you were working very late one night.
| Old Responses | New Responses |
| “Why do you get so worked up over nothing?” | “I’m sorry I didn’t call – I can see how you could have been worried.” |
| “Calm down – you always make yourself paranoid.” | “It feels good to know you care so much about me.” |
INCIDENT: Your girlfriend asks you what’s bothering you because you’ve been very quiet during dinner.
| Old Responses | New Responses |
| “Do I have to always be talkative and romantic around you, or you’ll get upset? You are so needy.” | “You’re right – I am feeling quiet. I had a very stressful day and I guess I just need to not talk much right now.” |
| “Why do you always have to watch every little thing I do? Can’t I do anything without being scrutinized?” | “Thank you for noticing. I have a lot on my mind tonight concerning work. It has nothing to do with you.” |
INCIDENT: Your wife gives you this book and suggests you both read it to help improve your relationship.
| Old Responses | New Responses |
| “Here you go again, saying it’s all my fault. I don’t need you to fix me.” | “You are sweet to always look for ways we can get closer. I am sure I can learn something new.” |
| “I’m not into that kind of self-help stuff. It’s for women. You read it if you want to.” | “You know I have a hard time with books like this, but if you think it has some valuable information for us, then I will definitely read it, because I do want to be a great husband.” * |
Can you see how the old responses are all based on misinterpretations of a woman’s behavior when she is putting love first – assumptions that she must be needy or insecure or trying to control her partner? The new responses, on the other hand, are all based on an understanding of the true intention behind her behavior and are examples of how a man can express his acknowledgment of that loving intention. Guys, please try experimenting with these suggestions, even if it feels awkward at first. I promise you will love the results!
DON’T EXPECT YOUR WOMAN TO LOVE YOU LIKE A MAN
To the men reading this: I know that, in spite of how hard I’ve worked here to explain that women put love first, you may still be secretly grumbling to yourself: “Why can’t a woman’s Love Pie look more like mine? Mine is much more reasonable – a little slice focused on love and the rest focused on life. This is a much more sane way to live. Why does she have to be so focused on me all the time? Why do I have to read charts about how to talk to her? Why can’t it all be much simpler?”
This complaint reminds me of an experience I had many years ago. I was in a serious relationship with a man I loved very much. We were in the middle of a difficult discussion about “us” – you know, one of those talks that makes men want to flee – and I was trying to explain why I needed him to check in with me more often, plan more time with me, and not disappear for days on end when I didn’t hear from him. He listened to my arguments silently, and then responded:
“Why can’t you focus on your own life and not think so much about me?” he asked with annoyance. “I wish you could just do your own thing, concentrate on your work, your projects and your interests, and then, if I happen to call you, you’d say casually ‘Oh hello, it’s nice to hear from you. I’ve been very busy. Well, how are you?’ Instead,” he continued, “when I call you now, you are so excited, and when I don’t call, you get upset and make it a big deal. Why can’t you just be more into yourself, and not so concerned with me?”
“In other words,” I replied