does in his, so it’s not like she’s spending one-tenth of the time he does focusing on work, and nine-tenths of her time shopping for lingerie, writing love poems, or fantasizing about how much she adores him. But you can bet that while she is doing her job, she probably thinks more about him than he does about her, and from day to day she is more conscious of the emotional rhythms of the relationship, and more focused on wanting more connection and intimacy.
Sometimes when I share the Love Pie analogy with women, they don’t completely relate to it until I remind them that focusing on love includes focusing on their children. Single mothers can understand this: Perhaps they aren’t in an intimate relationship, but their awareness is still on love the majority of the time – the love and concern they have for their children. Even women who are married often feel the large portion of their Love Pie is more dedicated to their everyday relationship with their kids than to the relationship with their husband. Whether this is healthy or not is a whole other topic, but the point is the same: She is a woman whose awareness, thoughts, and feelings are naturally focused on putting love first.
TAKING A TRIP INTO THE MIND OF A WOMAN
I’ve always said that if men spent a day in the mind of a woman in love, they’d be shocked and amazed at how much we think about them, how aware we are of them no matter what else we are doing. There’s an exercise I sometimes give couples to help the man understand how women put love first, and to give him an experience of our Love Pie: I ask the female partner to keep a “Thought Diary” throughout a typical day, writing down each time her awareness focuses on her mate and describing the situation. Then, she shows him her list. Without exception in the couples I’ve worked with, the male partner is astonished at how often during a day the female partner thinks about him.
I wanted to give you male readers a chance to experience this, so here’s a sample from one woman’s list that she kept in relation to her boyfriend, Joseph. Melissa is an executive at a radio station and has been involved with Joseph for almost a year. I’ve actually only included half of a day’s diary – a full day would go on for pages!
Melissa’s Thought Diary
| 6:45 AM | I wake up thinking about Joseph, excited that I am going to see him tonight. I lie in bed fantasizing about it for a while. |
| 7:00 AM | I want to call Joseph to say good morning, but I tell myself I should wait to see if he calls me. |
| 7:10 AM | I can’t decide whether or not to wash my hair now, or wait until just before my date so it’s really clean when I see Joseph. |
| 7:15 AM | I decide to wait to wash my hair, but while in the shower I remind myself that I need to put out the new body lotion Joseph said he likes so I’ll remember to use it after my shower this evening. |
| 7:40 AM | I am eating breakfast, remembering how sweet it was last weekend when Joseph stayed over and we had breakfast together. |
| 7:50 AM | I’m watching TV and there’s a report on the news about Caribbean hideaways. Joseph and I have been talking about taking a trip there soon, and I write down the information the reporter mentions. |
| 7:55 AM | Still no call from Joseph. I am wondering whether or not I should call him and mention the TV travel report. I decide to wait another ten minutes. |
| 8:05 AM | I call Joseph and we talk for a few minutes. He is racing around getting ready for an important meeting at work, so he can’t really concentrate, but he says he can’t wait to see me later, so I am happy |
| 8:20 AM | While I am putting on my makeup, I think about the conversation I just had with Joseph, and replay the sweet things he said. |
| 8:35 AM | I am in my closet, deciding what to wear for work, and start thinking about which outfit I should wear tonight when I see Joseph. I bought a new top a few days ago that I think he will like, and I try it on just to verify that I am still pleased with it. |
| 8:50 AM | I am making the bed, and decide that I will change the sheets later before Joseph gets here. Of course, I am hoping he will spend the night. |
| 9:20 AM | I am driving to work, listening to the radio. A song by Carlos Santana comes on that Joseph and I love, and it reminds me of a road trip we took to San Diego when we played the Santana album the whole way. I smile thinking about what a great time we had. I am tempted to call Joseph on his cell phone and tell him I am remembering San Diego, but I know he is probably on his way to a meeting and focusing on what he needs to accomplish. |
| 10:45 AM | I am looking at Joseph’s picture on my desk, and decide that I want to get a nicer frame for it. |
| 11:30 AM | I notice the time, and wonder if Joseph’s meeting is over and how it went. I am hoping he’s happy with it, so that he’ll be in a good mood tonight. |
| 11:50 AM | Joseph calls for a second on his way back from the meeting. He sounds pleased. I tell him about hearing the Santana song this morning. |
| 11:57 AM | I notice that I’ve been a little agitated since Joseph called, and I realize I am feeling concerned about something he said on the phone regarding his needing to go out of town next week. |
| 12:30 PM | I am at a lunch meeting with a new client at a restaurant I’ve never been to before, and I’m thinking that Joseph would really like it, and that we should come here some time. |
| 2:10 PM | I pass a grocery store, and remember that I am out of Joseph’s favorite soap. I decide to stop and pick up the soap, and once inside, I walk through the produce section and notice that they have beautiful raspberries which Joseph would love, and buy some. |
| 2:35 PM | I check my messages back at the office, and even though I just talked with Joseph a few hours ago, I feel a tiny bit of disappointment that there’s no message from him. I know this is silly, but it’s how I feel. |
| 2:55 PM | I open my mail, and discover an invitation to a party celebrating a well-known writer who is doing a benefit lecture in town next month. I make a mental note to myself to ask Joseph if he will be able to come with me. |
| 3:15 PM | I glance at the time on my computer clock, and feel a twinge of excitement that I will see Joseph in less than four hours. |
So what’s your response to Melissa’s Thought Diary? When I show this list to women, they read it and say, “Oh my gosh, that’s exactly what I do!” Perhaps the content is varied for married women or women with children, but the frequency of thought is very similar. Men, on the other hand, have a very different reaction to this list. Some think I’m playing a joke on them, that a list like this can’t be genuine. Others make comments like: “This Melissa seems pretty neurotic,” or “Sounds like she needs to get a life!” Little do these men realize that their own girlfriends or wives probably think about them as much as Melissa thinks about her boyfriend, Joseph.
For Melissa, as for